Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

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Why I Stopped Handing Out Parenting Books

February 2, 2015 by Marissa 2 Comments

When my oldest child was a toddler, I read a couple of parenting books and decided I had this parenting thing figured out.  I loved the book Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman and recommended it to everyone I knew.  I was wholeheartedly on board with the idea of teaching my kids to obey me, just as they need to obey God someday.  If any of my friends encountered parenting struggles, rather than listening and praying with them, I told them to read the book.  (Seriously.  How do I still have friends??!!)

As my kids grew older, parenting got more complicated.  It became less black and white (“don’t run into the street!”) and a little more confusing (“are you supposed to punish them for being irresponsible?”).  And I was introduced to a couple of newer parenting books that talked less about first-time obedience and more about giving your children grace.

These books seemed just as biblically-based as the earlier books I had read and left me confused.  Was I supposed to demand obedience or give grace?  Or both?  And how?

I saw an article posted on social media lately that talked about not giving your kids a warning before expecting them to obey.  There was a lot of backlash in the comments, and people were clearly in two camps:  either agreeing with the article that parents should demand immediate obedience or disagreeing and saying parents need to discipline with grace.

This brought to my mind the division I see among Christian parents today.  There’s the group I will loosely term the “obedience camp” and the group I will call the “grace camp.”  These are probably unfair generalizations–I know that those in the obedience camp often give grace and preach the Gospel to their children.  And those in the grace camp set boundaries and require obedience.  But many parents and authors I know tend to fall more on one side or another.  And we silently (or sometimes not-so-silently) judge those on the other side for being too strict or too lenient.

So I wonder, which camp should I fall in?  I feel a lot of pressure from both sides.  One side has a curriculum called Growing Kids God’s Way.  Of course I want to grow my kids God’s way!  Another book I’ve read is Grace-Based Parenting.  There’s nothing more important that grace, right?  How do I choose between parenting God’s way and basing it on grace?  It’s enough to keep a mom awake at night, and trust me, that’s really saying something!

But what if the obedience camp and the grace camp are both biblically correct?  What if they are both God’s way of showing His grace to our children?

What if God, in His wisdom and sovereignty, gives parents different personalities and preferences and strengths and weaknesses that match the needs of their children? 

What if God loves our children so much that He gave them the parents they would need to grow into what He wants them to be?

What if, rather than following a formula or a book or a list of ten parenting application points, we search the Scriptures to see what God says about how to relate to our children and others?

What if not having all the answers causes us to fall on our knees every morning and beg the Lord for the wisdom to deal with whatever we will face that day as parents?  

I bet that would lead to some grace-based, obedience-demanding, radical Christian parenting.

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Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: children, discipline, God's word, Gospel, grace, grace-based parenting, motherhood, obedience, Parenting, prayer, wisdom

Comments

  1. Lorraine Brewer says

    February 6, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    Beautiful, honey! And…so very true! I can certainly identify with the “fall on our knees every morning” asking God for the wisdom, insights, patience and grace to parent lovingly and faithfully. I am confident that whenever we fall on our knees pleading for wisdom, God not only graces us with wisdom but grows us in ways we may not realize in that moment. Thank you, Lord!

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  1. 40 Biblical Principles For Parenting | By Grace Alone says:
    February 17, 2015 at 8:57 am

    […] Recently, I evaluated the books, advice, and paradigms which have influenced my parenting.  While I believe that parenting books and counsel from wise parents can be useful and good, I want to ensure that the primary impact on my parenting decisions comes from God’s Word. […]

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I write to remind myself of the truth of God's promises. I share my writing here in case you need to be reminded sometimes, too.

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Have you ever muttered the phrase, “I’ll belie Have you ever muttered the phrase, “I’ll believe it when I see it”? Usually we say this while rolling our eyes and thinking, “There is no way this is actually happening.” We don’t have faith it will come about, so we have to wait to see it with our own eyes. 

This month we’ve been walking through one of my favorite hymns, “It is Well” by Horatio Spafford. The first verse showed us how we can have peace even in suffering, and then the second and third verses showed us how peace with God is the foundation of a peaceful life. In the last verse, we see how our future hope can give us peace today: 

“And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll,
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.” 

I wonder if Horatio Spafford was thinking of the words of Paul in 2 Corinthians 5:7, where he writes that “we walk by faith, not by sight.” Right now, we can’t see God. We can’t always understand His purposes. But one day soon, we won’t need faith, because we will see our God with our own eyes: 

“They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. And night will be no more. They will need no light of lamp or sun, for the Lord God will be their light, and they will reign forever and ever.” (Revelation 22:4-5) 

When we see God’s face in the new heavens and new earth, He Himself will be our light. It’s hard to imagine what that will be like, but it means we will truly understand that God is our everything. He is the answer to every question. He’s the source of all that we need. He’s the light by which we see and understand everything else. 

Right now, it can be well with our souls because we can believe it even though we don’t see it. We can have confidence that one day, our struggles and doubts will vanish, and we will live by sight in glory with Him. 

No matter what you face this week, one day your faith will be sight.
Have you ever had a relationship where there was t Have you ever had a relationship where there was tension, and that lack of peace seemed to spill over into every aspect of your life? It’s almost as if you’ve got a sore big toe that hurts with every step . . . when an important relationship is off kilter, it’s hard to ignore. 

If this is true of our human relationships, it’s even more true when it come to our relationship with the God who created us. Having peace in our relationship with God is essential to having peace in other aspects of our life. 

This month we’re looking at the hymn, “It is Well.” Last week we saw that Jesus gives us peace through His Spirit, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. This week we’ll look at the second and third verses of this hymn, which tell us how we can have peace with God: 

“Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control, 
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul. 

My sin - O, the bliss of this glorious thought! - 
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more, 
Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.” 

In these two verses, we see how the author of the hymn connected his peaceful soul with Christ’s sacrifice for him. We find this same truth in the words of the apostle Paul in Romans 5:1: 

“Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Romans 5:1)

Because Christ took the penalty for our sin on the cross, we have peace with God. We are reconciled to our Heavenly Father and Righteous Judge, the Lord God Almighty. We are justified, which means we are declared righteous by God because of the righteousness given to us by Christ through faith. 

This peace with God is a gift from God through Christ’s sacrifice. Because we didn’t earn it, it can’t be taken away. In all circumstances, we who have placed our faith in Christ can have peace in our souls, because we have peace with God. 

No matter what you face this week, you have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Many years ago, before my own cancer diagnosis, I Many years ago, before my own cancer diagnosis, I followed the blog updates of a mom whose young daughter was battling brain cancer. I was amazed at how this woman still clung to her faith in Christ and proclaimed His faithfulness, even in the midst of unimaginable suffering. Because of her faith in Christ, there was a foundation of peace beneath the turmoil she and her family endured.

This month we are going to make our way through one of my favorite hymns, “It is Well.” The author of this hymn, Horatio Spafford, also experienced great suffering. In 1873, his wife and children took a voyage across the Atlantic, and his four daughters died in an accident at sea. As he crossed the ocean to reunite with his wife, he wrote these lyrics: 

“When peace like a river attenders my way, 
When sorrows like sea billows roll, 
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, 
It is well, it is well with my soul. 
It is well with my soul. It is well, it is well with my soul.” 

How can we have peace when nothing around us feels peaceful? The answer can only be found in the peace that Jesus gives: 

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” (John 14:27) 

Jesus promises us peace that is different than any peace the world has to offer. The world’s peace is tentative and temporary, because it is dependent on our circumstances. Jesus’s peace is steadfast and eternal, because it is rooted in the character and purposes of God. We can be calm in the midst of suffering because we belong to the One who rules over all things. We are secure in His faithful hands. 

When Jesus spoke these words to His disciples in John 14, He was explaining that He was going away and the Father would send the Holy Spirit. He told them that the Spirit would “teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you” (John 14:26). The Spirit reminds us of God’s promises that we receive in Christ Jesus. He gives us peace that only comes from Him. 

No matter what you face this week, Jesus offers you His perfect peace.
I love this quote from D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones: “H I love this quote from D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones: “Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?” 

What a great question to ask: Am I talking to myself or listening to myself? When I’m listening to myself, I’m usually focused on my problems and wallowing in my emotions. In those moments, I need to talk to myself and remind myself of the truth about the Lord and His work in my life. 

That’s what David did in Psalm 103. He gave his own soul a little talking-to. He told himself—and other worshippers of God—to bless the Lord and remember all that He’s done. 

As we wrap up our month in Psalm 103, we see one last truth about the Lord and David’s response of praise in Psalm 103:19-22. 

“The LORD has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all . . . Bless the LORD, O my soul!” (Psalm 103:19, 22b)

Just in case there was any doubt about whether or not God can do all He has promised in this psalm, David spoke to himself about God’s sovereign rule over all. The Lord is on his throne. There is nothing that is beyond His reign. Everything falls under His royal authority. 

David bookended this psalm with the phrase, “Bless the LORD, O my soul” (Psalm 103:1, 22). He reminded himself of God’s goodness, listed out reasons to praise the Lord, and exhorted himself to praise God with all that he had. 

So how can you shift from listening to yourself to talking to yourself today? Take a minute to read through all of Psalm 103. Remind yourself of who God is and what He has done. Talk to yourself about His benefits: His steadfast love, His generous forgiveness, His forever promises, and His sovereign rule. Don’t forget all the benefits you’ve been given in Christ. Remember and respond to your Redeemer with praise and thanksgiving. 

No matter what you face this week, praise your sovereign Redeemer and King. 

P.S. It’s time for my annual summer break! I appreciate you joining me here each Monday for these devotionals, and I plan to be back after Labor Day. I hope you have a wonderful summer!
There’s a saying in my part of the country—and There’s a saying in my part of the country—and maybe your part, too—“If you don’t like the weather today, wait until tomorrow.” It’s especially true in the spring and fall, when the weather changes drastically from day to day and even from hour to hour. How am I supposed to tell my kids to dress for school when they need a coat in the morning and shorts in the afternoon? So much in life is constantly changing, whether it’s the weather, relationships, culture, or parenting—it feels like nothing stays the same.

We’re studying Psalm 103 this month, and we’ve seen David remember God’s benefits: His forgiveness, healing, redemption, sustaining power, and steadfast love.  In Psalm 103:15-18, David celebrated the eternality of God’s character. These truths he was remembering aren’t just for a fleeting season. They’re not here today and gone tomorrow. The steadfast love and promises of God last forever.

“But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep his covenant and remember to do his commandments.” (Ps. 103:17-18)

David contrasted God’s eternal character with the fleeting nature of man. In verses 15-16, he said we are like grass that the wind blows away. Nothing in our human world lasts forever. Relationships change. Careers end. Bodies age and die. But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting. He keeps His promises not just to us, but to the future generations that follow.

Psalm 103:18 says this steadfast love is for those who keep His covenant. God made covenant promises to His people throughout the Old Testament. He promised to bless them, and they promised to obey. When the people failed to keep their part of the covenant, God sent His Son to live an obedient life and die on the cross for His covenant-breaking people.

Galatians 3:29 tells us that if we belong to Christ, we are heirs to all God has promised. Because of Christ’s sacrifice, we are the covenant children of God who receive His promised, everlasting, steadfast love, now and forever.

No matter what you face this week, remember God’s everlasting covenant promises.
Do you remember the last time you were asked to in Do you remember the last time you were asked to introduce yourself to a group of people? It always feels so awkward to me. I think, “What were those things the group leader asked us to say? What do these people really want to know?” It’s hard to sum up who you are in just a few sentences.

This month we’re walking through Psalm 103 together as David remembered all of God’s benefits. In verses 6-14, David remembered what the Lord told His people about Himself: His righteousness, His character, and His forgiveness.

“He made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.” (Ps. 103:7-8) 

In verse 8, David echoed the words God spoke about Himself when He  proclaimed His name to Moses in Exodus 34:6. We know this is God’s character, because God chose to reveal Himself. The Lord is merciful. He is gracious. He is patient with us, and His constant, faithful, covenant love overflows.

David continued in Psalm 103 to try to capture with words the steadfast love and forgiveness of God:

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.” (Ps. 103:11-12)

David used some big-time analogies to portray these benefits for God’s people. God’s steadfast love is as high as the heavens are above the earth. How far do the heavens reach? Further than our human minds can imagine!

Our sins have been separated from us as far as the east is from the west. I wonder if David saw the sun rise in the east and set in the west and imagined places in both directions that he’d never see in his lifetime. He wanted us to know that when God removes our sin, it becomes untouchable. God’s forgiveness is complete, sufficient, and permanent. 

This forgiveness is given to God’s people through our Savior, Jesus Christ. Romans 5:8 tells us that “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” We can look to Christ and remember God’s steadfast love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness. 
 
No matter what you face this week, remember God’s steadfast love and forgiveness.
I don’t love a lot about Facebook these days, bu I don’t love a lot about Facebook these days, but I often log in to check my Memories section. I posted pretty frequently (probably too frequently!) when my kids were little, and it’s fun to screenshot the funny things they said and send them to those same kids who are now teens. I’m grateful for these glimpses into the past that help me remember those precious moments. 

This month we’ll be walking through Psalm 103. In this psalm, David calls himself—and all the people of God—to bless the Lord and remember all His benefits. In these first five verses, David lists several benefits he wanted us to remember: 

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.” (Psalm 103:1-5)

God forgives. This forgiveness is complete—He forgives all your iniquity. We’ll dig into the details of this gracious forgiveness next week!

God heals. While God often heals our physical diseases, the healing the psalmist probably had in mind here is our spiritual healing from the disease of sin. As 1 Peter 2:24 says, “[Christ] himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” 

God redeems. When you were in the pit of guilt, shame, and death, the Lord was the one who rescued you. 

God surrounds you with steadfast love and mercy. “Crown” means to encircle or surround. The steadfast love and mercy of God surrounds you today. 

God satisfies you and sustains you. God’s goodness fills us up and fuels us for the Christian life. 

When we remember who God is and what He’s done for us, it leads us to trust Him more deeply and praise Him as He deserves. And unlike my toddlers who’ve grown into teens, God never changes. As we remember, we can depend on His unchanging character to be the same for us today and every day. 

No matter what you face this week, remember the benefits you’ve received from the Lord.
Years ago, my young daughter was stalling before b Years ago, my young daughter was stalling before bedtime in one of my favorite ways—by showering me with compliments from head to toe. As she moved from my hair to my clothes, she mentioned my wedding ring with the “fake diamond in it.” I laughed and corrected her, “No, Sweetheart, that’s actually a real diamond.” Her jaw dropped and her eyes widened. “Mom!” she exclaimed. “You’re rich! You should take that to someone to sell it and buy me an American Girl doll!” 

Sometimes I feel the same way when I see the riches of God in display in His Word. The riches of the Father’s mercy (Eph. 2:4). The riches left by the Son when He took on flesh (2 Cor. 8:9). The Holy Spirit richly poured out through salvation in Christ (Tit. 3:5-6). 

My jaw drops and my eyes widen when I think that the One who has everything would choose to make me His child and provide me with an eternal inheritance. My Savior sacrificed it all to redeem me and purchased my salvation with His blood. 

For the past three weeks, we’ve been looking at our adoption as sons and daughters of God in Galatians 4. We’ve been adopted by God’s free grace, we have the privilege of calling God our Father, and we are no longer slaves to the law. Today we’ll see that our adoption makes us heirs to a glorious inheritance. 

“So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God” (Gal. 4:7). 

As children of God, we have a promised an inheritance that is imperishable and kept for us in heaven (1 Peter 1:3-4). Romans 8:17 tells us that we are co-heirs with Christ, and we can only imagine what His inheritance must be like! 

God’s abundant provision for us isn’t just the riches of eternal life with Him. He also gives what we need each day. In Matthew 7, we read that just as earthly parents give their children what they need, our heavenly Father will do the same for us. In the riches of His grace, He has everything that we need, and He will not withhold any good thing from us (Ps. 84:11). 

No matter what you face this week, God has made you an heir to the riches of His grace.
When I was a kid, I loved the movie “Annie”. W When I was a kid, I loved the movie “Annie”. When Annie first arrived at Mr. Warbucks’s house, the staff showed her around the house and asked what she would like to do first. Annie started listing areas she would start cleaning, because that’s what she was used to doing at the orphanage. She misunderstood why she was brought to Mr. Warbucks’s mansion. She wasn’t there as a servant but as a guest - and eventually as an adopted daughter. 

For the past couple of weeks, we’ve been looking at our adoption as sons and daughters of God. In Galatians 4:7-9, Paul contrasts the role of a slave and a son as he explains our adoption by God’s grace. 

“So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. Formerly, when you did not know God, you were enslaved to those that by nature are not gods. But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more?” (Galatians 4:7-9)

In this portion of Galatians, Paul is in the middle of a larger argument about slavery and redemption. The church at Galatia had been led astray by teachers who said they had to earn their salvation by keeping the law. Paul wanted them to understand that they were no longer slaves, but they had been set free to be sons and daughters of God. 

God has always been the God who redeems His children from slavery. In Exodus 2, God heard the groaning of His people, the Israelites, who were enslaved in Egypt.  Exodus 2:25 says, “God saw the people of Israel—and God knew.” God heard, God knew, and then God acted to bring His people out of slavery and give them a secure place in the Promised Land. 

God acted to redeem us from slavery to the law by sending His Son to die as an atoning sacrifice for our sin (Galatians 4:4-5, 2 Corinthians 5:21). Now we live in the freedom of adoption—children who have been saved by grace and are no longer in bondage to the burden of the law. 

No matter what you face this week, we are no longer slaves, but adopted children of God.
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