Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

A Meek and Quiet Spirit, Part 1

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When I recently ordered the Maxwell’s scheduling book (Managers of Their Homes), I noticed another book on Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit, by Teri Maxwell. No thanks, I thought. You see, I’m planning on homeschooling three days a week with an angry and resentful spirit. Who wants to be meek and quiet? Doesn’t sound like it would serve my interests all that well. It was about at that point in the train of thought that I realized I must immediately click “Add to Cart.” And I’m really glad I did.

I would definitely recommend this book to any homeschooling mother OR any mom who struggles with keeping her sanity, let alone a meek and quiet spirit, during long days at home with preschoolers. I’ve learned so much already from this book, and I haven’t even gotten to Chapter 6: Hard Work and Dying to Self. I know that one is going to hurt tomorrow morning and will probably result in the post, A Meek and Quiet Spirit, Part 2 (why I changed my mind about this book). Ha ha!

I have learned so much from her discussion of “meek and quiet spirit robbers” such as fear and worry, disorganization, and anger. I have been reminded several times by this book that my children are watching the way I deal with worries and how I control (or fail to control) my anger and frustration. All of my teaching on self-control won’t do any good if I don’t exhibit it myself!

In her chapter on Anger, Maxwell writes about having high goals and low expectations for our kids. Low expectations should not be confused with permissiveness. But she points out that our children are just that–children. They are in the process of learning how to be godly adults (we hope), but they are still learning. So while we have lofty goals for our children’s obedience, kindness to others, self-control, responsibility, etc., we must understand that they are going to fall short of those goals. Our expectation is that they will disobey and require discipline from us. If I start my day knowing this, it will take away my shock that our son is yelling at his brother over a toy again and might help me keep my temper under control.

Maxwell also suggests having well-defined consequences mapped out for disobedience or irresponsibility. That way, there is no stress involved in figuring out how to handle disciplining a child. When the child disobeys, the consequence is given. That way, the consequence doesn’t depend on mom’s mood or how many times the infraction has occurred that afternoon, and everyone knows what to expect.

Maxwell also points out that anger is a choice. She gives the examples of not being as easily angered at church as we are at home, or yelling at our children until the phone rings and then answering the phone in a calm tone of voice. That was so convicting for me! It is a choice. And so often I choose poorly because I am trying to rely on my own strength. What I appreciate about this book is that it is not only giving me practical suggestions for how to deal with fear, disorganization and anger, but also reminding me that I will not do well at any of it if I am not relying on God’s grace and strength. His grace is sufficient!

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Praying for my kids

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*** I’ve revised this recent post to participate (for the first time!) in Works For Me Wednesday at Rocks In My Dryer. Head over there to check out everyone else’s great ideas! ***

I’ve been trying to do better lately about praying for my kids. My attempts at praying for my kids often lapse into brief prayers like this: “Please Lord, help them to obey. Change their hearts so that they love you with all of their heart from an early age. And please, help them to obey. Please.”

What I’ve been doing recently is using a notebook from two years ago when I studied the book 31 Days Of Prayer For My Child by Susan Alexander Yates and Allison Yates Gaskins. (Yates also wrote 31 Days of Prayer for My Teen if that’s where you are. And if that’s where you are, I would guess you really need that book!) The book goes through 31 topics to guide you in thoroughly praying for aspects of your children’s life, from your own shortcomings as a parent, to their future spouse and friendships, to their spiritual life.

When I read the book a couple of years ago, I got a small notebook and for each chapter, I summarized what I wanted to pray regarding that topic, an attribute of God that relates to it, and a relevant Scripture passage, usually one of the several referenced by the authors. (This was suggested by the authors, not a brilliant idea of my own.)

For example, on the chapter about Sibling Rivalry, I wrote: “Praying that Christopher and Will would be lifelong friends, not for outward appearances, but for Your glory. God is triune–our perfect model of unity. Romans 15:5-6: May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Now that I have all 31 days recorded in my notebook, I can use it each month. I look at the listing for that date and pray about that topic for my kids. If you don’t want to buy the book or feel overwhelmed by the thought, you could simply brainstorm 31 prayer topics, perhaps with Scripture references, and create your own prayer list.

What I love about my notebook is that when I inevitably miss a day, I just keep on going and hope that I don’t miss again on the same date next month! Surely over the course of a few months I’ll get all 31 topics covered with prayer.

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How to be a better mom

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I don’t know about you, but I am constantly wondering how I could be a better mom. I’ve read a lot of books and talked to a lot of experienced moms, searching for information that might help in my own child-raising struggles. Sometimes I’ll even manage to put a great idea into practice for about a week, and then I fall right back into the same pattern of begging, yelling and bribing in an effort to squeeze some small amount of obedience from my children. I start the day wanting to set a joyful tone for our home, but I find myself become discouraged and irritable, often by 9:00 a.m. (on good days). I feel like I have the pieces of the puzzle, but I can’t keep them together for more than a couple of hours at a time.

On my search for the answer to these dilemmas, I would hear people talk about spending time daily in God’s Word and in prayer. Honestly, I thought it was a little legalistic and regimented. I knew I should be spending more time with God, but it was so hard to set aside the time. (Strangely enough, I have no problem finding the time to play on Facebook and watch American Idol.)

Then came Bible Study Fellowship. I am finishing my first year in BSF, and I can now say that I have discovered the secret to being a better mom. Those “legalists” were right: the answer is spending time with God daily. (Or almost daily, in my case–just being honest!) I still fall short over and over again . . . take this morning, for example, when I was yelling at Christopher about 30 minutes before leaving for BSF. But I find myself less discouraged, less irritable, more joyful, and handling the rough spots in my life much better than I did a year ago. I know the reason for this is that God has been convicting me of my sin and teaching me about His character and truth through my study of His Word. I look forward to becoming even more wise, self-controlled and joyful in my parenting as He teaches me more.

At this point, you might be thinking, “This BSF has a parenting class?” That’s the crazy part about it. I’ve been studying the Gospel of Matthew this year. From the book of Matthew, I’ve learned huge lessons about materialism, obedience, forgiveness, relying on God’s strength, worship, contentment, being a better wife and mom, and so much more. God’s Word is always effective–when it goes out, it never returns void–so no matter what you are studying in God’s Word, He knows what you need and He will teach you through His Truth. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to figure out: Christ tells us in John 15:4-5 that we need to abide in Him. Jesus said that He is the Vine, we are the branches, and we cannot bear fruit apart from Him. It is only by being connected to the Vine that we can accomplish what He has called us to do.

So if you want to be a better mom (or wife, or daughter, or friend), let me encourage you to plug yourself into the only Vine that can provide what you need. If you do not have a Bible study that challenges you to daily study God’s Word and apply it to your life, check to see if there is a BSF group in your area. You can search for BSF classes near you by going to www.bsfinternational.org. It is very likely that your local BSF will be having an intro class during the week of May 12, when you could hear more about BSF and register to be in the class in the fall. If you are reading this after the week of May 12, you can attend intro classes in September and not be too far behind. Two things I love about BSF are the weekly lessons that hold me accountable to be in God’s Word throughout the week and the children’s program for children ages 2 and up. It is not just child care–the children study the same passage as we do, and the program is fabulous.

I’m amazed as I look back at my blog entries since September–almost all of them have been influence in some way by my BSF studies. If you are like me, struggling to keep the puzzle pieces together, please take the time to find a Bible study that will keep you daily connected to the Vine. If you would like more information about BSF, leave me a comment and I will get in touch with you.

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Wisdom from those who are wiser than me

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I’ve heard a couple of great thoughts on parenting lately that have gotten the wheels turning in my brain. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine shared something that our pastor’s wife said to her. I’m paraphrasing here . . . She said that God, in His sovereignty, has given that child to you. Which means that God wanted that child to be raised by someone with your personality, your strengths, your preferences, your parenting style. What a great concept!

Of course, it is not license to sin against my children and say, “It’s just too bad that God gave my child a mom with a temper!” But within the boundaries given in Scripture for how we are to raise our children, there is freedom. Freedom to be rigid with routines, freedom to be spontaneous. Freedom to be a mom who always wants to be on the go, freedom to love to do things at home. Freedom to send your kids to public school, private school or home-school. And, I believe, freedom to pursue interests outside the home when God calls you to do so.

It is a great reminder to me that I don’t need to try to be someone different than I am. I am not a laid-back mom. I never will be. (Although I like to appear as though I’m a laid-back mom, on the inside, I am wincing as your snotty-nosed child touches my healthy child’s toys.) I like routine and can’t stand chaos. And sometimes I worry about these characteristics, like when my children are cautious and don’t like to get messy, and I think it is because I’m too uptight.

But I think my pastor’s wife is right–after all, she is the wise mother of 5!–God gave Christopher and Will to me. God thinks that what is best for my kids is having a mom who is type-A and likes to have a plan. Now if only I could eliminate the sin that keeps interfering with what God wants most for my kids! But He is sovereign even over my mistakes and can protect my kids from harm, even that which comes from my sin. (That last sentence is a truth often spoken to me by my friend Amy in Indy. I take no credit for anything wise about parenting!)

I heard another great idea this week, which was said by the friend of a friend. She talked about the importance of knowing your child’s personality traits, which right now may be causing problems, and praying for ways you can show your child how to use those characteristics for good. It is so easy to focus on those things about my kids that drive me nuts! And often I feel like I’m just dealing with the issues that are most urgent–lying, violence against your brother, obedience–and not taking the time to look at the big picture. In fact, when I heard this, I was convicted of the fact that I need to spend a lot more time thinking about and praying for my kids.

So the other day, over a skinny caramel latte (those make you lose weight, right?), I sat down to think about Christopher’s personality traits and what I hope they will look like when he is grown. Here’s what I came up with:

-cautious: can lead to fear, but I hope someday he will show great discernment and sound judgment

-highly emotional: can lead to frustrating meltdowns right now, but I hope someday he will show sensitivity to the needs of others

-stubborn: he gets mad because he wants to be in control, but I hope this will develop into the ability to have good self-control

-intelligent: can enable him argue with authority figures now, but I hope he will use his intelligence to study God’s Word and share His truth effectively with others

-creative: shows up in some of the lies he tells now, but I hope someday he will use his creativity to find innovative ways of serving others, playing with his kids and romancing his wife

I thought this was a great exercise for me, and one I should repeat regularly for both kids. It gives me a framework for praying for them and how God can be glorified by their unique personalities. It also gives me a little better perspective when he throws a fit, tells a lie, or refuses to get dirt on his hands.  And I hope to use this perspective to do a better job of letting my kids be who God made them to be, rather than trying to fit them into a mold I have in mind–to help my children develop their God-given characteristics in ways that will glorify Him rather than fitting an ideal that glorifies themselves or their parents.

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