Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

How to be a better mom

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I don’t know about you, but I am constantly wondering how I could be a better mom. I’ve read a lot of books and talked to a lot of experienced moms, searching for information that might help in my own child-raising struggles. Sometimes I’ll even manage to put a great idea into practice for about a week, and then I fall right back into the same pattern of begging, yelling and bribing in an effort to squeeze some small amount of obedience from my children. I start the day wanting to set a joyful tone for our home, but I find myself become discouraged and irritable, often by 9:00 a.m. (on good days). I feel like I have the pieces of the puzzle, but I can’t keep them together for more than a couple of hours at a time.

On my search for the answer to these dilemmas, I would hear people talk about spending time daily in God’s Word and in prayer. Honestly, I thought it was a little legalistic and regimented. I knew I should be spending more time with God, but it was so hard to set aside the time. (Strangely enough, I have no problem finding the time to play on Facebook and watch American Idol.)

Then came Bible Study Fellowship. I am finishing my first year in BSF, and I can now say that I have discovered the secret to being a better mom. Those “legalists” were right: the answer is spending time with God daily. (Or almost daily, in my case–just being honest!) I still fall short over and over again . . . take this morning, for example, when I was yelling at Christopher about 30 minutes before leaving for BSF. But I find myself less discouraged, less irritable, more joyful, and handling the rough spots in my life much better than I did a year ago. I know the reason for this is that God has been convicting me of my sin and teaching me about His character and truth through my study of His Word. I look forward to becoming even more wise, self-controlled and joyful in my parenting as He teaches me more.

At this point, you might be thinking, “This BSF has a parenting class?” That’s the crazy part about it. I’ve been studying the Gospel of Matthew this year. From the book of Matthew, I’ve learned huge lessons about materialism, obedience, forgiveness, relying on God’s strength, worship, contentment, being a better wife and mom, and so much more. God’s Word is always effective–when it goes out, it never returns void–so no matter what you are studying in God’s Word, He knows what you need and He will teach you through His Truth. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to figure out: Christ tells us in John 15:4-5 that we need to abide in Him. Jesus said that He is the Vine, we are the branches, and we cannot bear fruit apart from Him. It is only by being connected to the Vine that we can accomplish what He has called us to do.

So if you want to be a better mom (or wife, or daughter, or friend), let me encourage you to plug yourself into the only Vine that can provide what you need. If you do not have a Bible study that challenges you to daily study God’s Word and apply it to your life, check to see if there is a BSF group in your area. You can search for BSF classes near you by going to www.bsfinternational.org. It is very likely that your local BSF will be having an intro class during the week of May 12, when you could hear more about BSF and register to be in the class in the fall. If you are reading this after the week of May 12, you can attend intro classes in September and not be too far behind. Two things I love about BSF are the weekly lessons that hold me accountable to be in God’s Word throughout the week and the children’s program for children ages 2 and up. It is not just child care–the children study the same passage as we do, and the program is fabulous.

I’m amazed as I look back at my blog entries since September–almost all of them have been influence in some way by my BSF studies. If you are like me, struggling to keep the puzzle pieces together, please take the time to find a Bible study that will keep you daily connected to the Vine. If you would like more information about BSF, leave me a comment and I will get in touch with you.

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More on "Calm My Anxious Heart"

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I’ve been reading more of Linda Dillow’s Calm My Anxious Heart and really liked her chapters on being content with my role and with my relationships. It is so easy to always be looking ahead to a point in time when I think my life will be easier or better–when all my kids are dressing themselves and taking care of their own potty-related needs, when Noel cuts back on his hours, when I start to really love working out and hate eating sweets (yeah, right!). Before I was married, I wanted to be married. When I didn’t have kids, I wanted a baby. And now that I have preschoolers, I want them to go to school (and on my more insane days, I want another baby). I have a tendency to think that surely having a 2-year-old and 4-year-old is about as tough as it gets, and when they get a little older, then I will be able to pull myself together and be the kind of wife, mom, friend and Christian I want to be.

I started to realize the truth of my need to be content with what my role is right now when I had a single girlfriend over for lunch a few weeks ago. I was feeling jealous of her life–her nice clothes and car (the kind that doesn’t seat 8), her important job that brings her into contact with actual adults every single day, all the freedom that she has to do what she wants when she wants. It was the week before Will’s birthday party, and on my kitchen counter was a to-do list full of things, most of which I was dreading. Mop floors, clean bathrooms, dust living room, make treat bags, bake and decorate cake, etc. My friend looked at my to-do list and exclaimed, “I wish I had this to-do list!” I was shocked, but I shouldn’t be. It is so easy to take what we have for granted, to get weighed down by the mundane tasks — to lose sight of what a privilege it is to clean up after these little treasures God has given me and plan their birthday parties and teach them about Jesus.

In a discussion of maturity, Dillow writes: “We grow up when we see our life and our role from God’s perspective . . . when each morning we ask, ‘God, how can I glorify you today in my given role?'” She writes about Christ as an example. His role was to humble Himself, serve others, and give His life as a ransom for many. (See Mark 10:45 and Philippians 2:5-8) My role is to glorify God by serving my husband, my children, and others around me. My role is to mop floors, fix peanut butter sandwiches, change diapers and read books. My role is to train, discipline and teach my sons to love God and each other. My role is to pray for my children and about the decisions we make that impact their lives. I want to be a real grown-up and glorify God in the role He has given me today rather than waiting for Him to give me a more glamorous job.

In Dillow’s chapter on contentment in relationships, she focuses quite a bit on forgiveness. This is a fairly new topic for me, one that I’ve been thinking about more in the last year and realizing that it is something that I struggle with. (See previous post on forgiveness.) This is also a topic that came up in last week’s BSF lesson. I know God is trying to get my attention when He’s teaching me the same thing through two different avenues!

My BSF lesson and part of Dillow’s chapter on relationships examined Matthew 18:21-35, the parable of the unforgiving servant. In this parable, the king forgives his servant’s massive debt (roughly $15 million in today’s terms) and then the servant goes out and refuses to forgive another’s minuscule debt against him. Likewise, in Christ, we have been forgiven for a debt that we could never pay: the penalty for our sin. If we fail to see our need for the Cross, we will view other’s sin against us as great and difficult to forgive. If we have a proper view of our sin and how much we have been forgiven, it will be a natural reaction to forgive the much smaller offenses that others commit against us.

Studying this passage made me realize that if I’m keeping a mental list of the ways my husband has let me down or harboring resentment toward someone who has offended me, it should be a red flag for me that I need to turn my attention back to the seriousness of my own sin against God and grace I have been shown by His forgiveness. When those thoughts of “I’ve been wronged” start to trickle in, I need to consciously turn my thoughts to the Cross. This could really transform some of my relationships where I continue to hold on to past hurts and disappointments.

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What type of dirt am I?

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Last week at BSF, we were studying Matthew 13, and I found the parable of the sower and Jesus’ explanation of it to be especially thought-provoking (see Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23). I found personal application in thinking through the condition of the soil of my heart, but also application for parenting as I consider my role in cultivating the soil of my children’s hearts. In the parable, Jesus describes four types of soil: hard soil along the path that is snatched up by the birds, rocky soil where the plants spring up but have no depth to withstand heat, thorny soil where the seed is choked by thorns, and fertile soil where the seed produces grain in varying amounts.

My lecture notes provided by BSF provided a thorough explanation of each of these types of soil. Four types of “soil” are given the Word of God, but is only truly received by the good soil. For me personally, I am like the good soil only by the grace of God–He has redeemed me, bought me with the blood of His Son, Jesus Christ, and changed my heart so that I can receive His Word and produce fruit for Him. For a Christian, the application of this parable comes from verses 8 and 23–are we producing thirty-fold, sixty-fold, or a hundred-fold? Are we saved but lukewarm and complacent in our walk with Christ? Are we producing good works for Christ but still holding on to areas of disobedience? Or are we living in the Spirit, living in complete obedience and submission to Christ, yielding abundant fruit for His kingdom?

This was so convicting to me–I can’t just sit back and say, “hey, I’m saved, I’m good soil, so let’s move on to the next question.” Honestly, I would place myself in the sixty-fold category, and I’m only there because God has been teaching me so much through this study of Matthew and being in God’s Word regularly has taken away the complacency with which I usually struggle. But there are still areas of my life where I want to be in control. I’m not ready to give up everything in obedience to Christ, and that prevents me from being the most productive type of soil. I know what some of those areas of disobedience are, and I’m sure that there are others I’m not even aware of. I’m praying that God would give me the courage to become hundred-fold soil and point out areas of my life that I need to submit to His authority.

The other three types of soil–referring to those who do not yet know Christ as Lord and Savior–can be applied to my children. I believe that only God can change their hearts, making them like the fertile soil and able to receive His Word. But as a parent, God has called me to cultivate their hearts and prepare them to give their lives to Him. I think it is important for me to frequently evaluate my children’s hearts. Are they like the hard soil, where God’s Word is being snatched away by Satan or by their own hardness of heart? Are they like the rocky soil, making a confession of faith in Christ but without roots that can withstand difficult times? Are they thorny soil where God’s Word is being choked out by worries, distractions, and busyness?

I need to pray daily that my children would not be hard soil and that God would soften their hearts to His truth. I need to be wary of professions of faith in Christ that do not count the cost of discipleship and lack a depth of understanding that would withstand hardship. And I need to do what I can to protect them from the distractions of the world that would choke out the seeds of God’s truth that Noel and I are sowing in our home.

And, as always, I need to evaluate the example I’m setting for my kids. Do I demonstrate a desire to hear more of God’s Word and know Christ more intimately? Do I exhibit a faith that trusts that God is good, even when my consequences are difficult? Do I let worldly treasures and pleasures cause confusion and distraction for our family? Or are my priorities and decisions dictated by a single purpose: to obey God and produce fruit for His kingdom? I am so thankful that by God’s grace, He has changed my hard, shallow, distracted heart and made me fertile soil. I want to produce a hundred-fold crop out of gratitude to God for loving me, redeeming me, and calling me His daughter. I pray for evidence of changed hearts in my children and can’t wait to see how God will use their lives for His glory.

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The Mommy Action Figure

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Last night at BSF, our teaching leader was lecturing on Matthew 8. In that chapter, we see a man with leprosy, a Gentile military leader, and Peter’s mother-in-law all taking action that demonstrates their faith in Jesus. Our leader gave an illustration about a new line of religious action figures (including a talking Jesus doll) that will be sold at Wal-mart. (Click here for the news story.) She talked about the fact that if our lives have been changed by God, if we have been saved by grace through faith in Christ, our actions will prove that we have put our faith in Jesus as our Redeemer. In the second half of Matthew 8, we see that Jesus is the Ruler of the universe–over nature and demons–and that our faith in action should reflect this truth as well.

At the end of the lecture, she asked us, “If they made an action figure out of you, what would it look like? What would it say and do?” Would my action figure reflect my hope in Jesus as my Redeemer and the Ruler of the universe? Or would it reflect my desire to glorify myself and hang on tightly to my rule over my life (and the lives of as many other people as possible)??

The mental image that comes to mind when I think about an action figure of myself is not a pretty one. She would be dressed in sweats but never actually make it to the gym. She would be loud, speaking mostly in commands and exasperated rebukes. When you pulled the string in her back, you would hear, “Give that back to your brother! Stop whining! Do you need to go potty?? Go get in the car RIGHT NOW–we’re late!!!” She would run around a lot and run out of battery power frequently. And by the time the Daddy action figure got home from work, her head has exploded and you have to glue her ears back on so she can listen to how his day was. She would come with a SwifferVac (my new favorite toy!), laundry basket, and diaper bag sold separately.

I’m trying to be funny, but it was seriously a great question to get me thinking about how my actions reflect where I’m placing my hope. Is my hope in my stuff, my home, my financial security, my husband’s job, and how well my kids turn out in the eyes of the world? Am I busy about the work of all of those things? Or is my hope in Jesus alone as my Redeemer and the Ruler over all aspects of my life? Am I busy about the work that He gives me which has eternal value? Is my effort as a wife, mom and homemaker seeking to glorify myself by having nice things and a family that looks happy from the outside? Or am I seeking to glorify God alone by humbly serving my husband and children and preaching the Gospel to them with my words and actions? As always, these are some tough and very convicting questions.

And please, don’t buy my kids a talking Jesus doll for Christmas.

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