Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

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How to help a close friend with cancer

September 19, 2012 by Marissa 1 Comment

In a previous post, I discussed a topic on which my friends have made me an expert:  how to be a friend to someone with cancer.  Of course, it looks different if you are one of the few women closest to the woman batting cancer.  You may be leaned on more heavily for emotional and logistical support by your friend.  So this post is for those of you who have one of your besties battling this terrible disease.

Recently, one of my close friends was talking about when I had cancer and said, “what we went through . . . ” and then stopped and said, “I mean, what you went through . . . ”  I stopped her and told her that WE went through it.  I look back on my cancer journey and know that for my close family and friends, we all had cancer together.  Yes, they got to keep their hair, and our experience of the situation was different.  But they bore my burdens to such an extent that we were all heavily affected by cancer.

If you have a close friend battling cancer, it has probably changed your life. You may want to read my previous post about helping a friend with cancer.  I hope those ideas combined with this post will help you understand as much as possible what your friend is going through.  Again, I am writing about women helping women.  I won’t even try to guess what a man needs as he battles cancer.  And everyone is different, so please ask questions, or even share this post with your friend with cancer and ask her what she agrees with from her experience.

1.  Offer to coordinate help.  Find out their meal needs, food allergies and dislikes, and set up an online calendar so friends can sign up.  Your friend does not have the energy to sort through offers of meals, assign dates to people, and make sure she doesn’t get three lasagnas in a row.  Ask your friend to send out a mass email or post on her Facebook wall that all offers of help should be sent to you, and then you can organize this for her.  You may also help coordinate child care, housecleaning, and other logistical needs during her treatment.

2.  Text or call when you’re heading to the grocery store.  When I was in treatment, two of my close friends kept an envelope of my money in their purses.  They would pick up groceries that we needed, figure out my total, and pay themselves out of my envelope.  (I hope they rounded up, because I bet that was a pain.)  When they ran out of my cash, I’d hand them some more.  It was a huge help, since I was usually in Houston or didn’t have enough white blood cells to be at Wal-mart.  And if my husband goes to the store, he comes home with Ramen noodles, Pringles, and Mountain Dew.

3.  Anticipate needs she may not be thinking of (or not have the courage to ask for help with).  When it’s time to sign up for items for a school party, sign up for her, and let her know you’ll grab it at the store and take it to the school.  If your children are invited to a birthday party, offer to grab a gift for her child to take.  (See how often that envelope of cash will come in handy?)  Decorate her house for the holidays–and don’t forget to take the decorations down when the holiday has passed.  These are all tasks my close friends helped with, and it was greatly appreciated.

4.  Be sensitive to her need for normalcy.  After just spending three paragraphs telling you to do everything you can for your friend, I’m going to throw a wrench into the formula and tell you this:  your friend with cancer may be grasping at every bit of normalcy she can find.  She may want to get her own groceries and do her own laundry or get the birthday party gift herself.  Just be sensitive to what she’s capable of doing, ask questions, and let her tell you “no thanks.”

5.  Tell your friend when people ask you how she’s doing.  Cancer treatment can be lonely and isolating.  Sometimes it feels like the normal world is going on without you, while you’re stuck in cancer world.  It helps to know that people in the normal world are thinking about you and care enough to ask your friends how you are doing.    You may also ask your friend to clarify which information can be shared with others and what needs to be kept private, as many may rely on you for information about how she’s doing.

6.  Listen.  Your friend has a lot on her mind.  She’s been diagnosed with a serious illness, and depending on her treatment and her prognosis, she may be dealing with major changes to her body, her lifestyle, and her life expectancy.  You cannot fix this.  Even if you could figure out the most perfect, profound, thoughtful words to say, your friend would still have cancer.  You don’t need to have answers or perfect words.  Just sit with her, be a safe place, and listen.

7.  Remember that your friend is overwhelmed.  I hate to be harsh, because I know it is tough when your close friend has cancer.  But you need to remember that this isn’t about you.  Your friend is probably stressed, exhausted and highly emotional.  She may say or do things that hurt your feelings.  You will need to give your friend mountains of grace and forgiveness during this time, and you may want to find another friend who can help you process your feelings.  Don’t try to ask for emotional support from your friend with cancer.  She doesn’t have it to give right now.

8.  Be positive.  Whether she says it out loud or not, your friend with cancer is probably scared.  If she needs to talk about death, do not blow her off and gloss over her fears by saying, “Oh, don’t talk that way–you will be fine.”  Listen to her.  But unless her doctors have told her that her disease is terminal, she needs you to remain positive.  You may want to say something like, “I know you are scared.  If the worst happens, I will help Steve with the kids.  But we’re not to that point yet.  You are beating this!”

9.  Be in it for the long haul.  My cancer treatment lasted for more than 8 months.  And I am still dealing with the repercussions more than a year later, both physical and emotional.  When you are first diagnosed with cancer, there is a huge outpouring of love and support.  As time goes on, you start to wonder if people will move on to the next crisis before you are finished needing them.  Let your friend know that you understand this is a long-term situation, and you aren’t going anywhere.

10.  Understand that cancer will change your friend forever.  Your friend will be different, even after her cancer treatment is over.  Some of her friendships will survive this change, and others won’t.  If you want to be one of the friendships that survives, you must be willing to walk through these changes with her.  Be supportive of her new, cancer-related friendships.  Listen, ask questions and try to understand what it’s like for her as a cancer patient or a cancer survivor.  Be a safe place where she can talk about her fears and disappointments.  Know what conversation topics or events can trigger emotions about what she’s going through (or what she’s been through).  Realize that cancer will impact her life on a daily basis even after she’s finished with treatment and everyone else celebrates and moves on.

A note to my friends:  This list is compiled from the wonderful ways you supported me and from my own failures as a friend, not yours.  God used each one of you in His perfect way to be what I needed in different ways and different times.  You are one of His great expressions of His love for me, and I love you all.

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Filed Under: Cancer Tagged With: angiosarcoma, cancer, cancer support, encourage, friend, friend with cancer, friendship, help, prayer, suffering, survivor, trials

Comments

  1. Kelli O'Laughlin says

    July 9, 2014 at 9:04 am

    Thanks so much for sharing this. Kate Hoda sent your blog to me. I am friends with Morgan Upton Hayward. You are such a blessing to us! Thanks again!

    Reply

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marissahenley.com

I write to remind myself of the truth of God's promises. I share my writing here in case you need to be reminded sometimes, too.

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Have you ever watched a movie and realized that a Have you ever watched a movie and realized that a character you thought was a good guy was really the most terrible of the bad guys? It’s even worse when the other characters don’t know the truth. You feel a pit in your stomach as you see one of your favorite characters run to someone she thinks is safe, only to find out she’s turned to the wrong person for help. You hope she figures out who’s truly on her side before it’s too late! 

For the past month, we’ve walked through Psalm 34 together. We’ve seen how David praises the Lord in all circumstances and how the Lord delivers and provides. 

In the final verses of the psalm, we find the foundation of all the truth, thanksgiving, and praise of Psalm 34: None who take refuge in God will be condemned. When we run to Him for salvation, we won’t find out later that we’ve made a mistake. We’re safe in the grace and mercy of our Savior. 

“Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the LORD delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems the life of his servants; none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.” (Psalm 34:19-22) 

These verses point us to Christ, the One who delivers us from death by His death. Our afflictions are many, but they are nothing compared to the affliction Jesus suffered on the cross as He bore the punishment our sin deserved. 

Because He took God’s wrath for us, our Lord and Redeemer is now our safe refuge. As Romans 8:1 declares, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” When you feel weighed down by affliction and fear, take refuge in the One who died to redeem your life. He is our Deliverer, our Redeemer, and our Protector. 

No matter what you face this week, those who run to God find safe refuge in Him. 

P.S. It's time for summer break! I'll be taking a break from posting devotionals for a few months. I plan to return to No Matter What Monday in the fall. 😊
It was 4:15a.m., and I was having a pity party. It was 4:15a.m., and I was having a pity party. 

It doesn’t happen often (if it did, this devotional would include an advertisement for a free dog), but occasionally our dog decides he needs to go potty around 4 a.m. When Samson started pacing around our room and then scratching at the door, I was forced to abandon my hours of uninterrupted sleep and let him out. 

I fumed as I got back in bed. I wasn’t just angry at Samson—I was mad at God. “Don’t you know how tired I am, God? Don’t you know I needed sleep tonight?” 

But then God’s Word flooded my mind, and I remembered that God is sovereign over all the details of my life—even dog’s bladders. He doesn’t withhold anything I need, and all that He allows is for my good. My anger subsided, and I eventually drifted off to sleep for a few more hours. 

It’s one thing to find comfort in God’s sovereignty in the minor annoyances of life like a dog needing to potty in the middle of the night. But what about in the major hardships? Even in a cancer diagnosis, looming layoffs at work, or a difficult relationship, God’s sovereign care is an anchor we can cling to. 

We’ve been walking through Psalm 34 for the past couple of weeks. In today’s verses, David proclaims the perfect provision of the Lord: 

“Oh fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.” (Psalm 34:9-10)

David made a bold statement here - that those who fear God lack nothing. There is nothing that is good for us that our heavenly Father withholds. 

In His wisdom, God knows what we need. In His goodness, He desires to care for our needs. In His sovereignty, He is fully able to give us all that we need. We can trust Him to be the God on the throne who sees and knows and cares for each of His children. Those who are His lack no good thing. 

No matter what you face this week, you can rest in God’s sovereign care.
This week we’re continuing through Psalm 34. Las This week we’re continuing through Psalm 34. Last week, we saw how David always found a reason to praise the Lord. And as we keep reading, we see David praise God specifically for deliverance from his fears. 

“I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them.” (Psalm 34:4-7)

When David wrote this psalm, his deliverance hadn’t happened yet. He was still on the run from Saul, a mighty king who was filled with murderous rage toward David. And yet, David trusted the Lord to deliver Him either in life or in death. 

When we’re waiting for deliverance for our troubles, this psalm gives us both an example and an encouragement. As an example, David took his fears to the Lord. He ran to God with his troubles. He sought the Lord, looked to Him, cried out to Him, and lived in His presence. 

Psalm 34 also gives us encouragement as we see that the Lord heard, answered, and delivered David. God sees our troubles and is not deaf to our prayers when we cry out to Him. Psalm 34:17 tells us that God’s eyes and ears are focused on us. He knows every struggle we face. 

God knows, and He delivers. In 2 Corinthians, Paul says, “He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again” (2 Corinthians 1:10). Not only does God deliver every once in awhile, but God rescues from all our fears. (Psalm 34:4) Our heavenly Father is more powerful than any enemy we face—even death. 

When we cry out to the Lord and when our hope of deliverance is in Him, we will radiate His joy and peace. Our “faces shall never be ashamed” because hope that is grounded in God’s promises will never disappoint (Psalm 34:5). Our troubles may not vanish, but the Lord is our Savior and Deliverer. 

No matter what you face this week, the Lord will hear you and deliver you.
One night several years ago at the dinner table, I One night several years ago at the dinner table, I asked my kids to share something they liked about each of their siblings. I thought it would be a beautiful time of encouragement. Will gazed at Christopher, deep in thought, and said, “What I like best about Christopher is that he isn’t very funny.” 

Do you ever struggle to praise the Lord? Maybe, like my son at the dinner table, you look at Him and think, “I’m not sure I can see much to praise right now.” 

This month we are going to make our way through Psalm 34, and we’ll see how David praised God even when his circumstances didn’t leave much to feel thankful for. King Saul wanted to kill him, so David was running for his life, hiding in caves, and trying to stay undercover by acting insane when someone recognized him. (See 1 Samuel 21.)

And yet, David began Psalm 34 with these words: 
 
“I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together!” (Psalm 34:1-3)

David said that he had God’s praise constantly on his lips. Even though his circumstances were challenging and discouraging, he called to mind all that the Lord had done in the past. Maybe he thought about how God delivered the Israelites from Egypt. Maybe he remembered when God chose him, youngest son of a family from nowhere, to be the next king of Israel. 

What can you praise God for today? How has He shown His love, goodness, and faithfulness to you? 

Even in the darkest days, we can turn our eyes to the cross of Christ and the empty tomb and remember how Jesus secured our salvation with His life, death, and resurrection. We can turn our eyes to heaven and look forward to the glory that is waiting because of what He’s done for us. We can trust His promise to be with us every moment and praise Him for His presence and faithfulness today. 

No matter what you face this week, you always have a reason to praise the Lord.
Last January after Georgia won the college footbal Last January after Georgia won the college football national championship (sorry, Alabama fans!), I saw a photo of a man wearing a Georgia football jersey, standing with his arms raised and mouth wide open, as if shouting in triumph. He was surrounded by people who were smiling, crying, and hugging each other. 

This man wasn’t a Georgia football player celebrating at Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis after their win. He was a fan at a watch party hundreds of miles away in Georgia. But he so closely identified with his favorite team that he celebrated their victory as if it was his own. 

For the past few weeks, we’ve been making our way through the Easter hymn, “Worship Christ the Risen King.” Today we’re looking at the final verse: 

“We acclaim your life, O Jesus, now we sing your victory;
Sin or hell may see, to seize us, but your conquest keeps us free.
Stand in triumph, stand in triumph, worship Christ, the risen King!” 

The victory Jesus won over sin, death, hell, and the devil isn’t just a victory for Him. If we’ve been united to Christ by faith, the victory is ours as well. We stand with Him in triumph, freed by His victory. 

Consider what God’s Word says about our victory with Him: 

“The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Cor. 15:56-57)

“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? . . . No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.“ (Romans 8:35, 37)

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, Jesus speaking)

“For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.” (1 John 5:4)

Because of God’s grace, we share in Christ’s victory. We are free. We are more than conquerors. We can have courage and peace in all circumstances, because our Savior has overcome the world. 

No matter what you face this week, you share in Christ’s victory.
“He is risen! He is risen indeed!” This is a p “He is risen! He is risen indeed!” This is a popular refrain on Easter Sunday, but it’s also the way my church family starts the worship service every Sunday. We may be so used to hearing it that we forget that this is a massive, world-altering claim. 

If this statement is true—if Christ is truly risen—that truth changes everything. It gives purpose to our lives and our worship, and that purpose endures even when we struggle and doubt. 

This month we’ve been looking at the verses of an Easter hymn called “Worship Christ the Risen King.” This week we’re looking at the fourth verse of the hymn: 

“Doubt may lift its head to murmur, scoffers mock and sinners jeer;
But the truth proclaims a wonder thoughtful hearts received with cheer.
He is risen, he is risen, now receive the risen King!” 

We sometimes struggle with our faith because of doubts we have on the inside or because of attacks on our faith from the outside. But either way, the truth of His resurrection brings comfort and confidence. 

In Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians, he makes it clear that if Christ is not risen, the Christian faith is pointless: 

“And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins. Then those also who have fallen asleep in Christ have perished. If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.” (1 Corinthians 15:17-19) 

Our Christian faith isn’t just a crutch to use to get through life in this fallen world. Jesus wasn’t just a good teacher or a prophet. The gospel isn’t a myth we use to make sense of the world around us. 

Our faith is based on an empty tomb of the Son of God who came to live and die for us. Jesus rose again on the third day, proving that He was who He said He was. 

“But the angel said to the women, ‘Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay.’” (Matthew 28:5-6) 

Christ is risen! He is risen indeed! 

No matter what you face this week, Christ’s resurrection gives comfort and confidence.
One of our family’s favorite games is a card gam One of our family’s favorite games is a card game called Unstable Unicorns. It’s so fun, but the twists in the game can be infuriating. You’ll be close to victory, feeling like no one can stand in your way, and then one of your kids turns all your unicorns to pandas and snatches victory from your grasp. 

I imagine that in the days leading up to Jesus’s crucifixion, Satan thought victory was about to be his. Jesus was betrayed by one of His closest friends. He was arrested, mocked, beaten, and hung on a cross to die a humiliating, agonizing death. But the devil’s moment of victory turned out to be his humiliation and defeat.

This month we’re walking through the verses of an Easter hymn, “Worship Christ the Risen King.” Last week’s verses described Christ’s victory over death and hell. The next verse describes His decisive victory over the devil: 

“Hear the earth protest and tremble, see the stone removed with pow’r;
All hell’s minions may assemble, but cannot withstand his hour.
He has conquered, he has conquered, Christ the Lord, the risen King!”

Paul wrote about this victory in his letter to the Colossians.

“This he set aside, nailing it to the cross. He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.” (Col. 2:14b-15) 

According to the ESV Study Bible, “The cross of Christ marks the decisive defeat of the demonic powers . . . they were stripped of their power to accuse Christians before God.” The death and resurrection of Jesus proved that Satan and his demons couldn’t stop God’s plan of redemption. We still battle against the forces of evil in this world, but they’ve been publicly put to shame by the cross of our Savior.

The author of Hebrews described it this way:

“. . . [Jesus] himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.” (Heb. 2:14-15)

The devil’s power has been destroyed. We’ve been delivered. The one who enslaved us in fear has been defeated by our risen King!

No matter what you face this week, Christ has disarmed the devil.
I love this time of year. April brings blooming fl I love this time of year. April brings blooming flowers, and the promise of summer break is right there on the horizon of my calendar. Spring also means Easter and the opportunity to celebrate Christ’s death and resurrection for us. 

When you’ve been hearing about Christ’s resurrection for awhile, you might start to wonder, “So what?” So what if the tomb was empty? What does this mean for me today? I hope to answer some of those questions this month as we walk through the verses of the hymn “Worship Christ, the Risen King.” These opening verses declare Christ’s victory and the praiseworthiness of His triumph: 

“Rise, O church, and lift your voices, Christ has conquered death and hell.
Sing as all the earth rejoices; resurrection anthems swell.
Come and worship, come and worship, worship Christ the risen King!

See the tomb where death had laid him, empty now, its mouth declares:
‘Death and I could not contain him, for the throne of life he shares.’ 
Come and worship, come and worship, worship Christ the risen King!” 

The truth of this hymn can be found in passages such as these: 

“God raised him up, loosing the pangs of death, because it was not possible for him to be held by it.” (Acts 2:24)

“O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” (1 Corinthians 15:55) 

I love how the words of this hymn and the words of Scripture remind us that Christ conquered death and hell. Our modern lives are busy and typically free from the threat of death. We often forget that death and hell are our greatest enemies, so we don’t always find peace and comfort in our Savior’s triumph over them. 

But when we recognize that our greatest need is to be saved from death and hell, we realize the magnitude of what Christ has done. He is our risen King, and His triumph means that death and hell no longer threaten those who belong to Him. 

When we see the empty tomb with eyes of faith, our response is to join creation in resurrection anthems. We come and worship, lifting our voices in songs of praise to the risen King. 

No matter what you face this week, Christ has conquered death and hell.
For the past two weeks, we’ve been looking at ve For the past two weeks, we’ve been looking at verses from Ezekiel 34 about how the Lord is our good Shepherd who seeks for us and cares for us. Today we’ll look at more of Ezekiel 34 that describes the security we find in our Shepherd’s strength. 

When we think of shepherds, we may think of humble men who slept in a field with sheep and shook with fear in front of an angel choir on the night Jesus was born (Luke 2:8-9). But Scripture describes the Lord as a Shepherd who rules and reigns with majesty. Because of His strength, we have eternal security. Consider these verses from Ezekiel, Micah, and Revelation: 

“I will rescue my flock; they shall no longer be a prey. And I will judge between sheep and sheep. And I will set up over them one shepherd, my servant David, and he shall feed them: he shall feed them and be their shepherd. And I, the LORD, will be their God, and my servant David shall be prince among them. I am the LORD; I have spoken.” (Ezekiel 34:22-24)

“And he shall stand and shepherd his flock in the strength of the LORD, in the majesty of the name of the LORD his God. And they shall dwell secure, for now he shall be great to the ends of the earth.” (Micah 5:4)

“For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.” (Revelation 7:17)

Just as shepherds protect sheep from predators and danger, we have a good Shepherd who has conquered our enemies. We were in bondage to sin and death, but Colossians 2:15 says, “He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him.” The Lamb of God who gave Himself for us now reigns over all His foes. 

We dwell securely because our Shepherd is glorious, victorious, and strong. We belong to Him—we have no reason to fear. Our good Shepherd reigns in majesty, and we look forward to the day when He wipes every tear from our eyes. 

No matter what you face this week, your Shepherd’s strength guarantees your security.
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