Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

How to be a better mom

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I don’t know about you, but I am constantly wondering how I could be a better mom. I’ve read a lot of books and talked to a lot of experienced moms, searching for information that might help in my own child-raising struggles. Sometimes I’ll even manage to put a great idea into practice for about a week, and then I fall right back into the same pattern of begging, yelling and bribing in an effort to squeeze some small amount of obedience from my children. I start the day wanting to set a joyful tone for our home, but I find myself become discouraged and irritable, often by 9:00 a.m. (on good days). I feel like I have the pieces of the puzzle, but I can’t keep them together for more than a couple of hours at a time.

On my search for the answer to these dilemmas, I would hear people talk about spending time daily in God’s Word and in prayer. Honestly, I thought it was a little legalistic and regimented. I knew I should be spending more time with God, but it was so hard to set aside the time. (Strangely enough, I have no problem finding the time to play on Facebook and watch American Idol.)

Then came Bible Study Fellowship. I am finishing my first year in BSF, and I can now say that I have discovered the secret to being a better mom. Those “legalists” were right: the answer is spending time with God daily. (Or almost daily, in my case–just being honest!) I still fall short over and over again . . . take this morning, for example, when I was yelling at Christopher about 30 minutes before leaving for BSF. But I find myself less discouraged, less irritable, more joyful, and handling the rough spots in my life much better than I did a year ago. I know the reason for this is that God has been convicting me of my sin and teaching me about His character and truth through my study of His Word. I look forward to becoming even more wise, self-controlled and joyful in my parenting as He teaches me more.

At this point, you might be thinking, “This BSF has a parenting class?” That’s the crazy part about it. I’ve been studying the Gospel of Matthew this year. From the book of Matthew, I’ve learned huge lessons about materialism, obedience, forgiveness, relying on God’s strength, worship, contentment, being a better wife and mom, and so much more. God’s Word is always effective–when it goes out, it never returns void–so no matter what you are studying in God’s Word, He knows what you need and He will teach you through His Truth. It shouldn’t have taken me this long to figure out: Christ tells us in John 15:4-5 that we need to abide in Him. Jesus said that He is the Vine, we are the branches, and we cannot bear fruit apart from Him. It is only by being connected to the Vine that we can accomplish what He has called us to do.

So if you want to be a better mom (or wife, or daughter, or friend), let me encourage you to plug yourself into the only Vine that can provide what you need. If you do not have a Bible study that challenges you to daily study God’s Word and apply it to your life, check to see if there is a BSF group in your area. You can search for BSF classes near you by going to www.bsfinternational.org. It is very likely that your local BSF will be having an intro class during the week of May 12, when you could hear more about BSF and register to be in the class in the fall. If you are reading this after the week of May 12, you can attend intro classes in September and not be too far behind. Two things I love about BSF are the weekly lessons that hold me accountable to be in God’s Word throughout the week and the children’s program for children ages 2 and up. It is not just child care–the children study the same passage as we do, and the program is fabulous.

I’m amazed as I look back at my blog entries since September–almost all of them have been influence in some way by my BSF studies. If you are like me, struggling to keep the puzzle pieces together, please take the time to find a Bible study that will keep you daily connected to the Vine. If you would like more information about BSF, leave me a comment and I will get in touch with you.

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Perspective

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I have several friends’ blogs and other websites I enjoy reading, and I try to keep up with them as best I can.  But there are two blogs that I read faithfully every day.  Brad and Laura Grammer are friends of ours from Indy, and Laura is struggling with leukemia.  Drew Christy is the nephew of another Indy friend, and he has been in a coma since a car accident on February 22.  Brad, Laura, and Drew’s mom are all Christians, and the way they rely on Christ through their heart-wrenching circumstances is both convicting and inspiring for me.

I know it is cliche, but I think it is important for me to remember how truly easy and comfortable my life is right now.  It is so easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking that my life as a stay-at-home mom of two small boys is incredibly difficult.  But reading about the suffering of the Grammers and the Christys reminds me to be thankful for what I have.  I complain when my kids are sick, because it means that I am stuck at home with them, listening to their whining all day long.  But when Laura’s kids are sick, she has to go stay somewhere else and cannot see her kids because their germs could be dangerous for her.  And Drew’s mom has been waiting for over 2 months for her son to wake up and talk, and she would probably give anything to hear him complain about something.

Staying home with two little boys is not suffering.  Having a husband who works past 5 p.m. most days is not suffering.  Not having money to buy new furniture is not suffering.  Dealing with potty training and disobedience and whining most of the day is not suffering.  Even dealing with seemingly never-ending diarrhea is not suffering.  And not liking how I look in my jeans is definitely not suffering.  But I’m embarrassed to admit that most days, I think and act and talk like it is.

In addition to praying for healing for Laura and Drew, I’ve been asking God to give me a better perspective on suffering and gratitude for the life He’s given me.  Ever since my friend Linda, Drew’s aunt, reminded me how much Drew’s mom would love to have her son chasing her and screaming while she tries to cook dinner, I’ve been a little more patient with my kids.  I’ve tried to view each day with them as a gift and enjoy them more.  We never know what God has planned for us, so I want to be committed to making the most of this relatively easy time to teach my children and prepare my own heart to suffer for Christ’s sake.

The bottom line is that I can always find someone who is ahead or behind me on the suffering scale.  My attitude should be the same no matter what God gives:  reliance on Christ alone for my daily needs and gratitude for the ultimate gift of salvation that He’s given.  I hope that God is glorified by my easy life in some way even as I see Him glorified tremendously in the life and faith of the Grammers and the Christys.  Would you join me in praying for them?

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“Calm My Anxious Heart”–Greed

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I read Linda Dillow’s chapter in Calm My Anxious Heart on greed several weeks ago and have been mulling it over in my mind ever since. Several things stood out to me:

  • Everything I have belongs to God. (More on this below.)
  • The main issue is the condition of my heart. Am I content or always wanting more? (See Matthew 6:19-21–where is your treasure?).
  • No one can serve two masters–whom do I serve? Am I so busy taking care of my stuff that I don’t have time to serve God and His church?
  • Possessions are to be used for God’s kingdom, not gripped tightly or adored. What am I holding on to too tightly? Or what daydreams about possessions consume my day? How can I better use what God has given me to serve Him?
  • “God can rid your heart of greed, but it is your responsibility to remove yourself from situations that promote greediness . . . stand in your house and look around. Where does greed have hold of you?” (p. 97) For me, this means throwing out catalogs as soon as I walk in from the mailbox (when does looking through the Pottery Barn catalog ever lead to feelings of contentment?!?), limiting the time I spend browsing through the mall, and being careful about spending time with people who cause me to be tempted in this area.
  • “Listen to your heart. Listen to your words. Look at your actions. Are you teaching your children to be grateful for God’s blessings?” (Sorry, don’t have the page number for this, and my book is currently in Europe. I wish I was with it.)

The most striking thing for me in this chapter was when she talked about everything we have belonging to God, and therefore, the question is not “how much will I give?” but “how much should I keep?” If I adopt this “How much should I keep?” attitude, it radically transforms how I view my finances. Back when we were barely making it financially, prioritizing our spending was easy–pay taxes, 10% to God, keep the rest to pay our bills, thank you very much. But now that there is more than what we need for the bare necessities of food, clothes and shelter, things seem so much more complicated.

What does God want me to keep His money for, and what does He want me to do without so I can keep less and give more? Does He want me to keep enough for a new car or an old one? Does He want me to keep His money so my kids can have clothes from children’s boutiques or Target? Does God want me to use some of His money for an XM radio subscription so I can listen to commercial-free 80’s music? (I had totally rationalized the relatively small XM radio expense until I thought about it this way.)

Now that I think about it, it isn’t complicated. I just don’t like the answer. It seems clear to me that God wants me to use some of His money to provide what our family needs, to create special memories with our kids, and for Noel and I having time alone together to strengthen our marriage. I hope God doesn’t mind my spending His money on the safest minivan money can buy (but He probably doesn’t need the sunroof), and I hope that someday He’ll let me keep enough to pay someone to clean my house (if I use the time to glorify Him by serving others and/or educating my kids).

But God probably doesn’t want me wasting His money on things that only glorify me, and that is where most of it goes. He isn’t concerned with what others think of my home decor, my purse, my clothes or my shoes. He doesn’t care if my kids have real crocs or generic ones. (I’m embarrassed to admit that I do care and went to great lengths to buy generics that look the most like the real ones. Kid shoes!! What am I thinking?!?) He’d probably like for me to realize how much eating out is an idol for me and how I shouldn’t be so lazy that I spend His money on Chick-Fil-A anytime I don’t feel like making a sandwich.

A disclaimer in case you’re still reading . . . I don’t think there is anything inherently sinful about children’s boutiques, crocs, new cars (in the interest of full disclosure, I drive a 2008 Odyssey with sunroof), Chick-Fil-A, or XM radio. It’s just that greed is an area in which the Holy Spirit is relentlessly working on me, and He is convicting me about several areas in which I am wasteful with God’s money. If you are seeking God’s wisdom pertaining to your finances, and He provides the money for you to have an XM radio subscription, you will not receive judgment from me . . . and enjoy singing along to some Chicago for me, will you?

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Whose clothes are you wearing?

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In last week’s BSF lesson, we read Matthew 22:1-14, the parable of the wedding feast. In this parable, Jesus is comparing the kingdom of heaven to a wedding feast. The king (God) invites many to this royal event, but they are too busy with other concerns to attend, and even kill the servants who came with the invitation. The king then invites others who fill the banquet hall. Then one man shows up without the proper wedding garment and is thrown into the outer darkness.

If you read this passage without the larger context of the rest of Scripture, it may sound as though God invites people to the wedding, and if you can’t manage to get the right clothes on, you will be cast out. However, our lesson pointed us to other relevant passages of Scripture:

Isaiah 64:6

We have all become like one who is unclean,
and all our righteous deeds are like a polluted garment.

Isaiah 61:10

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness.

The first verse tells us that our best deeds are only like a polluted garment, or as the NIV says, like filthy rags. But the second verse shows us how we get the proper wedding garment–from God Himself, who clothes us with the garments of salvation and the robe of righteousness.

How do we get this garment of salvation from God? How can filthy rags be exchanged for a robe of righteousness? 1 Peter 2:24 tells us “He [Christ] himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” And Philippians 3:8b-9 says, “in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith.”

Christ wore our filthy rags on the cross. And God takes Christ’s robe of righteousness and puts it on us. My own fanciest wedding garment cannot get me into the kingdom of heaven. God requires a robe of righteousness, and He supplies it in Christ. If you are in Christ, when God looks at you, He does not see your own record of good deeds and bad. He sees Christ’s perfection, Christ’s righteousness.

So the question is: Whose clothes are you wearing? It is a question I am asking myself and that I need to be asking my kids as they grow in faith. Are we living as though we have been given a garment of salvation, living in obedience out of gratitude to God? Or do we think we can keep wearing our own clothes, working as hard as we can to keep them clean and hoping it will be good enough? I think this distinction is crucial to my kids’ understanding of the Gospel. I’d love to hear thoughts from anyone on how to make sure our kids understand this important truth.

From one of my favorite hymns, “How Much I Owe,” words by Robert Murray McCheyne:

When I stand before the throne, dressed in beauty not my own,

when I see Thee as Thou art, love Thee with unsinning heart,

then, Lord shall I fully know, not ’til then how much I owe.

Chosen not for good in me, wakened up from wrath to flee,

hidden in the Savior’s side, by the Spirit sanctified,

then, Lord shall I full know, not ’til then how much I owe.

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