Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

Greed

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Tuesday night at the dinner table, as Noel prayed before the meal, he thanked God for all our material blessings. This isn’t a routine part of our pre-dinner prayer, so in my mind I started wondering if he had found out about a Christmas bonus or a raise or some exciting news like that. Later, as I drove home from BSF, I realized how disgusting and sinful my reaction was. I had been sitting in a beautiful home, filled with furniture, food, clothing, and toys, about to eat one of many meals that could be prepared from our fully-stocked pantry–we have more than we could possibly need. And instead of joining my husband in being grateful for all the ways God has blessed us, I was thinking, “Is there more??”

It gets worse. I thought back on the things that consumed my thoughts during the day. I had contemplated whether or not I would ever own designer jeans, when I might be able to have a set of Lenox Christmas china, and when I might be able to afford a housekeeper. I spent time obsessing over the layers of fat around my stomach and spent too much time and money making sure that if I wasn’t able to look cute, my kids certainly would.

Then I remembered an incident a day or two before when Christopher had some kind of treat and wanted another one, and I admonished him for being greedy. “You need to be thankful that you got a treat–to want more is just being greedy.” And more layers of sinfulness started to peel back in my heart as I saw not only a shocking level of greed in my life, but hypocrisy as well. How will my children ever take my warnings about greed seriously if they see me chasing after more and more in my own life?

It was part of our BSF lecture that night that drew my attention to this particular pattern of sin in my life. In Matthew 9, Matthew gives his own testimony (verse 9). He was a tax collector, which means he was the most corrupt, hated man in town. He was becoming filthy rich by cheating his own people. When he left his tax collector’s booth to follow Jesus, he suffered a massive financial loss. But, as our BSF teaching leader pointed out, Matthew never mentions this material sacrifice. Because his heart had been transformed by Jesus’ amazing grace, it just wasn’t an issue for Matthew.

I am willing to give for Jesus. I’m willing to have less because I’m trying to glorify God with my finances. But I can’t say I don’t think about it. Sometimes I feel like I deserve a medal just for giving God what is His to begin with, and I look down on others who I feel aren’t being as holy as I am in this area, when in reality, I have a lot of work to do. I want to be like Matthew–to be so singularly focused on Christ that the things of this world are of no significance, except in how they can be used for God’s kingdom.

I’ll admit, this entry is not easy for me to post. I’m embarrassed about my thought life, and it would be much easier to keep it between God and me. I’ve thought a lot lately about why I’m keeping this blog. The two primary reasons are for my own growth as I grapple with issues and then go back and read the posts and remind myself of what God has been teaching me, and also as a legacy for my children to see what God was teaching me through them and others. The goal of this blog is to bring glory to God. So if I can be reminded in a few weeks to continue to repent of my greed, and if my children can someday see that I was trying to live with integrity as I taught them to not be greedy, then I’ve accomplished my goal. And if other women reading this are struggling with these same issues and are helped by my making this post public, then I hope God is glorified by that result.

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Decreasing

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It has been a long time since I’ve posted, in part because there are lots of different ideas wrestling around in my head and I’ve had trouble organizing them into coherence. I’ve also been dealing with sick children for what seems like ages, and so I’ve spent quite a bit of time feeling restless, exhausted, frustrated and full of self-pity–none of which are all that conducive to spiritual growth for me. I’m so thankful to be doing BSF, which requires me to spend time in the Word even when I want to forget it.

Last week when Christopher was feeling especially crummy, he asked me, “What is God doing to me?” I don’t know the answer for Christopher, but I know what God is doing to me–He is teaching me that I need to be decreasing so that He may increase. This idea came to me in my BSF notes a couple of weeks ago, and it needs some context, so let me back up a little.

Apparently, I am quite forgettable, and it drives me nuts. Countless people meet me, sometimes more than once, and then don’t remember me at all the next time they see me. There was one woman I knew who met me about 5 times (including one time she was in my home!) before she remembered that she knew me. But this idea of myself decreasing so that God may increase means that when people meet me and interact with me, they see Christ. It is not my reputation that increases, but God’s glory.

This is a really difficult one for me. When I meet people, I’d much rather they think how friendly or witty I am, how well-behaved my children are, or maybe even how nice I look. I want them to think I’m somebody worth knowing and to want to spend more time with me (or at least remember my name next week). If I’m going to point people to Christ, then I’d have to stop thinking about how memorable I am, how well-liked I am, how trendy my clothes are (or aren’t). And if my words and actions are those that would always bring glory to God, I could be seen as weird.

I think an idea that is closely tied to this is something our BSF teaching leader talked about last week: our citizenship in the kingdom of Heaven trumping our citizenship as Americans. (See Ephesians 2:19 and Philippians 3:20 if you’re not sure what I mean by citizenship in the kingdom of Heaven.) She said that kingdom citizens have no use for earthly gain, but only fight for eternal gain (that is, wanting others to see Jesus Christ). She also encouraged us to ask ourselves: Do my attitudes better reflect my heavenly citizenship or my American citizenship? Have I renounced the things of this world? Is Jesus more valuable to me than any earthly thing?

Honestly, I’d like to think I can hold on to earthly gain as long as Jesus is in the mix somewhere. That I don’t have to actually renounce the attitudes and priorities of our culture as long as I’m not as worldly as the person next door. That it is okay to store up earthly treasures for myself as long as I tithe.

But I suspect that if Jesus truly was more valuable to me than any earthly thing, those earthly things would be utterly without value to me. And I would boldly proclaim Christ to others without any thought of how they would remember me but with only the hope that they would remember Jesus. I would give myself daily in sacrificial service to my husband and kids because it isn’t me that is important. And I would see that God truly meets all my needs in the glorious riches of Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

I’ve got a long way to go, and I’m not 100% certain I want to take the journey. But I’m going to keep praying that God will change my heart to desire Him more than any other thing, that He would cause me to decrease so that He may increase, and that He would give me eyes to see how truly worthless are the things I’m tempted to chase after.

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Worship

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Last week at BSF, our teaching leader talked about how God created every human to worship. Every day, all of us are worshiping something–either the God of the Bible or someone/something else (which is idolatry). She asked us a couple of questions: Who or what do you worship? And what would others who observe you say that you worship?

The first question is one that I’ve thought about before, but the second one really got me thinking about my kids. I spend about 10 hours every day being observed by my two little munchkins. Although they are too young to articulate it, I wonder what they would say about my worship if they could. Would they say Mommy worships the things of this world, or the one true God? Do they see me chasing after the approval of others and materialistic things? Or do they see me in constant communion with my Savior? Am I worshiping myself, my desires, my comfort? Or I am making daily sacrifices to live a life that brings glory to God? I’m afraid the answers are very convicting. And seeing it through the eyes of my kids, I know that the object of my worship is not only impacting my spiritual life, but my kids’ understanding of a God-honoring life as well.

A few more things about my Grandpa’s passing (see post below) . . . spending time sharing stories and celebrating his life last week left me feeling so thankful for his legacy of faith in our family. I found out that the Scripture passage he was reading when he died was Psalm 145. The psalmist is praising God for His wonderful works and telling others of God’s greatness and majesty. I especially like verses 4-5:

4 One generation shall commend your works to another,
and shall declare your mighty acts.
5 On the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.

God has given us all the responsibility to tell the next generation about Him. My Grandpa certainly did his part. I hope that someday my kids and grandkids will say the same about me. And verse 5 gives me the key: I must be constantly meditating on God’s wondrous works, the foremost of which would be the work of Christ on the cross. If I am, my praise and thanks will overflow with a contagious joy that will point my kids to God. It is a lofty goal, for sure, but Grandpa showed me it can be done.

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Dealing with life’s craziness

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I recently started attending Bible Study Fellowship, and our teaching leader is so wonderful that I’m sure I’ll be sharing many tidbits from her lectures. Last week, she said that all of us have craziness in our lives–I’m sure at this very moment, at least ten things have come to mind that you are dealing with in your own life. That’s what I started thinking about when she said it, going down the familiar path of self-pity, discouragement and mental exhaustion from worry. But the next thing she said grabbed my attention: “We can choose to deal with life’s craziness biblically or non-biblically.” Such a simple idea, and so obvious, and yet it has completely changed the way that I look at things. There are only two options, two black-and-white categories in which I can place the way I react to my kids, my husband, difficult circumstances and mundane responsibilities. One question to ask: Am I responding biblically or non-biblically?

So I sat down and thought about the three primary areas of my life that cause my emotional and spiritual struggles and then outlined my non-biblical responses and what some biblical responses would be. The first task was easy–I struggle with impatience with my kids, frustration with my husband, and feeling a lack of significance as a stay-at-home mom.

Kids: I tend to respond non-biblically by avoidance (“Just go play in your rooms for awhile, please!”) or in anger. Biblical responses would include responding in love (I Corinthians 13), displaying the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), being thankful for the time I have with them, and covering all of my parenting with a heavy dose of prayer (I Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Husband: I usually respond non-biblically because I am focused on myself and my needs. I am only seeing things from my perspective (I am tired and had a long day, and he better swoop in with a smile and unending energy and rescue me), and I end up being demanding and angry as a result. Instead, I should remember that I am called to love him sacrificially, just as God has loved me (Ephesians 5:1-2). I need to remember the stress he’s under and do what I can to support and encourage him (I Thessalonians 5:11). I need to view marriage as a tool for God to teach me and for God’s glory, not as a way to get my needs met. (More on that later from a great book I’m reading, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.)

Burnout: I struggle as a stay-at-home mom because I am focused on my need to feel good about myself, and I am desperate for a way to earn the praise of others. (Doing laundry and raising kids isn’t working out too well in that regard.) I want my life to be easy, fun and comfortable, or at least be significant in the eyes of the world. A biblical response would be to understand that I’m working for God’s glory and His eternal purposes by investing my time in my husband and children (Colossians 3:23-24). I must remember that God is faithful to sustain me through the work He has called me to do (2 Corinthians 12:9). I must resist laziness and ask God to show me how He wants me to spend free time–it probably isn’t those continuous Law and Order reruns I’m so addicted to on cable (Proverbs 31–especially verses 15 and 27).

I wonder what it would look like to put all my thoughts and actions through a biblical/non-biblical filter. My response to my kid’s tantrum–biblical or non-biblical? My judgment of someone I encounter during the day that annoys me–biblical or non-biblical? My shopping habits–biblical or non-biblical? (Ouch.) My response when my husband wants his back scratched at 10:00 pm–biblical or non-biblical? If I could permanently attach this filter to my brain, my husband would probably have more money and more frequent back-scratching. 🙂

One side-note: Thank you to Rachel for the comment on the post below. I really appreciated the use of the word “temptation” to describe your struggle with discouragement. I so often forget that when I am feeling discouraged because I am believing lies rather than the truth, it is sin. I’m not supposed to tolerate it or continue in it, but rather identify it as sin, confess it, and turn from the temptation to give in to those sinful emotions.

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