scanxiety Archives - Marissa Henley

Past, Present, and Future Faithfulness {No Matter What Monday}

September 4, 2017 by Marissa Leave a Comment

Fifteen times in the past six years, a machine has taken photos of my insides, and a radiologist has scoured the images for evidence of cancer recurrence. Scan Days cause me to swing on a pendulum between complete confidence that everything will be fine and dreadful certainty that nothing will be fine.

One tactic I use during those stressful weeks is to remind myself that, no matter how worked up I get each time, all my other scans have been clear. Remembering past experiences brings some peace when I face uncertainty, but it’s a shaky, tentative peace. Statistically speaking, the years of good results makes future good results more likely. But there is no guarantee.

When contemplating past medical success doesn’t quiet my soul, I’m thankful there’s something better.

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:21-23)

Calling to mind the Lord’s faithfulness and steadfast love brings hope and peace to my anxious soul. Remembering His past faithfulness to His people in general and in my life specifically gives me confidence as I face uncertainty and doubts. Because God never changes, His past faithfulness absolutely guarantees His present and future faithfulness to us.

I don’t know if everything will be fine. But I do know the Lord will be faithful.

Because He was faithful yesterday, I can confidently depend on Him to be faithful today and expect Him to be faithful tomorrow.

No matter what we face this week, we can remember God’s past faithfulness, depend on His present faithfulness, and expect His future faithfulness.

(This week’s devotional is a flashback adapted from a post which first appeared here on May 30, 2016.)

Remember God’s Past Faithfulness {No Matter What Monday}

May 30, 2016 by Marissa Leave a Comment

I mentioned last week that it was time for the semi-annual check of my insides to look for cancer recurrence. This experience can be so daunting that there’s a term for the emotions that come with it: scanxiety. As I approached Scan Day, I swung on a pendulum between complete confidence that everything would be fine and dreadful certainty that nothing would be fine.

One tactic I use during scan weeks is to remind myself that, no matter how worked up I get each time, all my other scans have been clear. I am a five-year survivor and, as of last week’s clear scans, I have accumulated a record of 14 rounds of scans showing no evidence of disease. (Praise the Lord with me!) Remembering these past experiences brings some peace when I face uncertainty, but this peace is not a sure foundation. Statistically speaking, the years of good results makes future good results more likely. But there is no guarantee.

When calling to mind past medical success doesn’t completely quiet my soul, I’m thankful there’s something better.

Lamentations 3:21-23 says: “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”

Calling to mind the Lord’s faithfulness and steadfast love brings hope and peace to my worried soul. Remembering His past faithfulness to His people in general and in my life specifically gives me confidence as I face uncertainty and doubts. Because God never changes, His past faithfulness absolutely guarantees His present and future faithfulness to us.

I don’t know that everything will be fine. But I do know the Lord will be faithful. Because He was faithful yesterday, I can confidently depend on Him to be faithful today and expect Him to be faithful tomorrow.

What thoughts of fear and doubt are plaguing your thoughts today? What can you call to mind about the Lord’s faithfulness in your life? How can remembering His past faithfulness give you peace and confidence for your future?

No matter what, we can remember God’s past faithfulness, depend on His present faithfulness, and expect His future faithfulness.

Coping With Scanxiety (And Other Scary Things)

April 15, 2015 by Marissa Leave a Comment

In a few weeks, I will travel to Houston for my next cancer follow-up appointments. I’ll be honest and say that I HATE these appointments. I hate having to ask other people to take care of my kids for three days for something that isn’t fun. I hate having to travel down there. I hate the process of getting blood drawn, getting an IV, sitting around the waiting room, and laying in the scanner. I hate waiting until the next day to see my doctor for results. I hate walking the halls of the hospital and re-living the unpleasant memories. I hate those moments when I wait in the exam room for someone to come in and tell me whether or not I have recurrent, metastatic angiosarcoma.

I wish I could say that I waltz through all of this with joy, peace and complete confidence in God’s good plans for me and my family. But when they take my vital signs before I see my doctor for results, I usually end up having to tell the nurse that no, my pulse isn’t going to slow down unless she waits until after I get my scan results. Even just typing these words and thinking about being there makes my pulse quicken! The anxiety related to cancer follow-up scans is so intense that we survivors have our own word for it: scanxiety.

A friend asked me recently how I deal with the anxiety related to these appointments. Since I’ve been doing this for 4 years now, I’ve given it a lot of thought! Her question got me thinking about my coping strategies for anxiety and how they might be helpful to others.

1. Do the Next Thing

There are times when all I can do is just get through it. In the weeks before my scans, I know my focus needs to be on today and not on tomorrow or next week or three weeks from now. The Lord says to leave tomorrow to Him (Matthew 6:34). So one way I cope with anxiety is to push the thoughts of the future aside and focus on what God has asked me to do right now. Put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing.

2. Promises from God’s Word

I love, love, love God’s Word. God will never fail to keep His promises. There are many promises in God’s Word that have become especially precious to me in the midst of anxiety. Here are just a few: Psalm 46:1-2, Psalm 46:10-11, Psalm 73:25-26, Psalm 112:7-8, Psalm 121:1-2, Isaiah 26:3-4, Isaiah 43:1-2, Jeremiah 31:3, Lamentations 3:21-24, Habakkuk 3:17-19, John 16:33, Romans 8:38-39, Romans 15:13.

3. Prayer

I also take my fears and concerns to the Lord in prayer. I am so thankful that Christ made a way for us to come before our Father’s throne and ask for help (Hebrews 4:16). My prayers in the midst of anxiety are not fancy or articulate. They usually go something like this: “Please, God, don’t let me have cancer. This is so hard. Please help me.”

4. Asking Others to Pray

Our Heavenly Father doesn’t ask us to carry our burdens alone – He gives us a family, the body of Christ (Galatians 6:2). Often, I will share my struggle with anxiety with others and ask them to pray for me. I’m thankful for friends who are willing to share my burden and pray for me. It brings me great comfort.

5. Remembering God’s Past Faithfulness

Lamentations 3:21-23: But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

When I’m having a difficult time trusting God’s future faithfulness, I call to mind God’s past faithfulness. Here’s a little math equation for you . . .

Past faithfulness + never changing = future faithfulness guaranteed!

God has been faithful to me in the past. I could write all day about the ways He has worked in horrible circumstances for my good and for His glory.

God never changes. Never ever, no matter what. Therefore, I can put my hope in His future faithfulness in all circumstances.

Doing the next thing, reading God’s promises, praying, asking for prayer and remembering the Lord’s trustworthiness don’t make my fears vanish. But these strategies remind me where to run when I am afraid:

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? (Psalm 56:3-4)

Manna

September 4, 2012 by Marissa 1 Comment

One thing I love about the Lord is that we can always rely on Him to give us exactly what we need to endure any circumstance. When I had cancer, He showered me with His grace like never before, always giving me the grace and peace required by my exceptionally painful and difficult circumstances. I started calling this provision “cancer manna.”

Just like the manna that God sent to the Israelites in the wilderness (see Exodus 16), cancer manna–or challenging-child manna or difficult-marriage manna or *insert-trial-here* manna–is just what you need for that day. No more. No less. It doesn’t make your circumstances less painful–just as I’m sure that wilderness was hot and tiring and seemed to never end. But God’s perfect manna sustains you and meets your every need as you walk through your personal wilderness.

I have been cancer-free since July 20, 2011. I praise God daily for this physical healing. But the spiritual and emotional challenges that come with cancer survivorship and the possibility of recurrence can be overwhelming. My quarterly trips to Houston for check-ups are especially anxiety-inducing. And once again, that time is quickly approaching.

I’ve realized that these pre-check-up weeks are so difficult because in my mind, I have cancer. I’m imagining the words coming out the doctor’s mouth, trying to figure out what we would do and how it would all work out . . . wow, it is really stressful to have imaginary cancer! I need some of that cancer manna from before . . . oh, wait . . . God isn’t giving me cancer manna. Because the truth is: 1. I don’t have cancer. 2. Living as though you have cancer when you’re not receiving the Lord’s cancer manna is stressful and exhausting. And 3. if someday I have cancer again, the Lord will immediately pour out that cancer manna and meet each and every one of our needs. He is good, and He is faithful. He knows the exact date and time when I will need cancer manna again (if ever). And in the meantime, He is giving the perfect manna for my daily situations . . . not the hypotheticals, not other people’s problems I’m trying to solve, but the work He has given to ME for TODAY.

God is good, and He is faithful in all things.

John 6:48-51 (Jesus speaking):

“I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.”