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Three Short Sentences to Say to a Friend With Cancer

August 21, 2015 by Marissa 1 Comment

Imagine you are walking down the road one day, and you see a friend at the bottom of a large, dark, unescapable pit. How would you respond? What would you say or do?

You could shout down something encouraging, like “God has a good plan for your life!” and go along your merry way. (And your friend would probably wish they could get out of the pit just so they could punch you in the face.)

You could throw yourself into the pit and curse God for putting both of you there. You could commiserate about how terrible the pit is and wonder what in the world God was thinking when He put this pit in your friend’s way. (Your friend wouldn’t be alone, but she wouldn’t feel encouraged.)

Or you could jump down into the pit with her and hold her hand and pray with her. While acknowledging how difficult and sad and scary the pit is, you could gently remind her that the truth about God is just as true at the bottom of the pit as it is at the top. As you weep with her in the pit, together you could call to mind God’s past faithfulness and promise to redeem your life from the pit and crown you with steadfast love and mercy (Psalm 103:4).

This is how I think about encouraging a friend who is going through cancer or any other crisis. Your friend is in a large, dark, unescapable pit. How can you love your friend when she’s in there?

There is the “God is good” approach. There is the “this sucks” approach. And there is my favorite: the “this sucks – God is good – I love you” approach. This is what I try to communicate to my friends.

1. This sucks.

My parents taught me not to use that word. Sorry, Mom, but “cancer stinks” just doesn’t cut it. Your friend needs you to acknowledge the reality of her situation: her life has just been turned upside-down and forever changed by the diagnosis of a life-threatening disease. If you fail to recognize this reality, you will lose credibility as a safe friend who understands what she is going through.

2. God is good.

After you’ve cried together at the bottom of the pit for awhile, gently remind your friend that God’s promises are still true. God’s Word is the anchor your friend must cling to while the storm rages around her. Speak the truth to her. Pray the truth with her. Write the truth on notecards for her, write it on her bathroom mirror, text her Scriptures – whatever you can do to constantly keep God’s promises in her mind. She is battling cancer, but she is also battling fear and despair. She is walking through a time of grief. Those difficult emotions will be pushing the truth out of her mind, and you can help push it back in. Remind her of God’s goodness, faithfulness, power, love, provision and peace!

Some of my favorite verses to share with friends include: 2 Chronicles 20:12, 15; Psalm 27:1-2; Psalm 34:18; Psalm 42:1-2, 5; Psalm 46:1-2, 10-11; Psalm 56:8-11; Psalm 62:1-2; Psalm 73:25-26, Psalm 103:1-5, Psalm 112:7-8; Psalm 121:1-2; Isaiah 26:3-4; Isaiah 41:10; Isaiah 43:1-2; Jeremiah 31:3; Lamentations 3:22-23; Nahum 1:7; Habakkuk 3:17-19; Zephaniah 3:17; Luke 12:7; John 14:27; John 16:33; Romans 8:37-39; Romans 15:13; 2 Corinthians 12:9-10; Philippians 4:6-7, 13, 19; I John 4:4; Revelation 21:1-5.

3. I love you.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, one thing I found strange was that everyone started telling me they loved me. Not just family and close friends – people I never would have expected to say those words were suddenly saying “I love you.” At first, it felt a little weird. Was I supposed to say “I love you, too”? Just say thanks? Were they saying it because they thought I was about to die?

But once I got used to it, I found that it was very comforting and encouraging to hear how many people loved me. I felt loved. And when you are facing something difficult, it is great to feel loved!

You may or may not feel comfortable saying the words “I love you” to your friend. But you can communicate your love by letting her know you’re thinking of her often and praying for her. You can tell her you care about her and are in this fight with her. You can show your love by visiting her and serving her. All of these demonstrations of love will communicate to your friend that you care about her and what she’s going through. She will feel loved!

Note: I’d like to credit an episode of The West Wing for inspiring my analogy about a friend in a pit (Season Two, “Noel”). I love that show!

Why I Shrugged When I Saw My Shattered iPhone Screen

June 15, 2015 by Marissa 1 Comment

If the people walking behind me at camp last Saturday were paying attention, they probably thought I was really strange.

I was walking to the car with my son after picking him up from his first week at overnight camp. I had several things in my hands, and I dropped my iPhone on the pavement. I picked it up and saw that the screen was completely shattered. I shrugged, showed my son, and quietly said something like, “Oh. Bummer.” Then I calmly walked to the car like nothing had happened.

If I saw someone respond that way to a broken phone, I’d think they were either extremely easy-going, filthy rich or absolutely insane!

Here’s what any campers and parents who noticed the incident didn’t know: just one week earlier, my cellular service contract had expired. I was eligible for a phone upgrade at a discounted price, and I had my eye on a new iPhone 6. The night before, I asked my husband if I could get one, and he said I could! I planned to go pick one up that very week. When I saw the broken phone, I thought, “I get my new phone today!”

The expectation of a new phone caused me to respond to adversity in an unexpected way.

In a similar way, God’s promises enable His children to respond to suffering in unexpected ways. Christ’s victory over sin and sickness and sadness and death empowers us to face difficult circumstances without fear and despair.

When I was diagnosed with cancer as an almost-34-year-old mom of three young kids, I didn’t shrug my shoulders and say, “Oh, bummer,” and go on like nothing had happened. I was heartbroken. I was scared. But there was also a sense in which I was peaceful. I knew I could trust God’s plan for my life when my plans had been shattered.

I know that God is making all things new and that He will make all things new. He is currently making all things new as He walks with us through dark times and pours out His grace, comfort and peace. He is weaving our threads of suffering into a beautiful tapestry for His glory. And He will make all things new one day when we are with Him in new bodies and a new heaven and a new earth.

I am convinced that God’s promises are true. I am convinced that NOTHING can separate us from God’s love in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:38-39). I praise God that I can cling to Him as my Rock when it feels like my whole world has been shattered (Isaiah 26:3-4).

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Revelation 21:3-5

Coping With Scanxiety (And Other Scary Things)

April 15, 2015 by Marissa Leave a Comment

In a few weeks, I will travel to Houston for my next cancer follow-up appointments. I’ll be honest and say that I HATE these appointments. I hate having to ask other people to take care of my kids for three days for something that isn’t fun. I hate having to travel down there. I hate the process of getting blood drawn, getting an IV, sitting around the waiting room, and laying in the scanner. I hate waiting until the next day to see my doctor for results. I hate walking the halls of the hospital and re-living the unpleasant memories. I hate those moments when I wait in the exam room for someone to come in and tell me whether or not I have recurrent, metastatic angiosarcoma.

I wish I could say that I waltz through all of this with joy, peace and complete confidence in God’s good plans for me and my family. But when they take my vital signs before I see my doctor for results, I usually end up having to tell the nurse that no, my pulse isn’t going to slow down unless she waits until after I get my scan results. Even just typing these words and thinking about being there makes my pulse quicken! The anxiety related to cancer follow-up scans is so intense that we survivors have our own word for it: scanxiety.

A friend asked me recently how I deal with the anxiety related to these appointments. Since I’ve been doing this for 4 years now, I’ve given it a lot of thought! Her question got me thinking about my coping strategies for anxiety and how they might be helpful to others.

1. Do the Next Thing

There are times when all I can do is just get through it. In the weeks before my scans, I know my focus needs to be on today and not on tomorrow or next week or three weeks from now. The Lord says to leave tomorrow to Him (Matthew 6:34). So one way I cope with anxiety is to push the thoughts of the future aside and focus on what God has asked me to do right now. Put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing.

2. Promises from God’s Word

I love, love, love God’s Word. God will never fail to keep His promises. There are many promises in God’s Word that have become especially precious to me in the midst of anxiety. Here are just a few: Psalm 46:1-2, Psalm 46:10-11, Psalm 73:25-26, Psalm 112:7-8, Psalm 121:1-2, Isaiah 26:3-4, Isaiah 43:1-2, Jeremiah 31:3, Lamentations 3:21-24, Habakkuk 3:17-19, John 16:33, Romans 8:38-39, Romans 15:13.

3. Prayer

I also take my fears and concerns to the Lord in prayer. I am so thankful that Christ made a way for us to come before our Father’s throne and ask for help (Hebrews 4:16). My prayers in the midst of anxiety are not fancy or articulate. They usually go something like this: “Please, God, don’t let me have cancer. This is so hard. Please help me.”

4. Asking Others to Pray

Our Heavenly Father doesn’t ask us to carry our burdens alone – He gives us a family, the body of Christ (Galatians 6:2). Often, I will share my struggle with anxiety with others and ask them to pray for me. I’m thankful for friends who are willing to share my burden and pray for me. It brings me great comfort.

5. Remembering God’s Past Faithfulness

Lamentations 3:21-23: But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

When I’m having a difficult time trusting God’s future faithfulness, I call to mind God’s past faithfulness. Here’s a little math equation for you . . .

Past faithfulness + never changing = future faithfulness guaranteed!

God has been faithful to me in the past. I could write all day about the ways He has worked in horrible circumstances for my good and for His glory.

God never changes. Never ever, no matter what. Therefore, I can put my hope in His future faithfulness in all circumstances.

Doing the next thing, reading God’s promises, praying, asking for prayer and remembering the Lord’s trustworthiness don’t make my fears vanish. But these strategies remind me where to run when I am afraid:

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? (Psalm 56:3-4)

Six Questions to Ask Before Posting on Social Media

March 9, 2015 by Marissa Leave a Comment

We’ve all done it. The social media post we wish we could take back. That post that was misunderstood or misinterpreted. The one we didn’t expect to be taken the way it was. The post that hurt someone else, whether intentional or not. Or perhaps you are a reader, not a post-er, and you’ve been the one to be hurt by someone else’s words.

As my oldest child enters his tween years, I’ve started thinking about how we will teach him about social media. It’s crucial that he understands that the internet is forever. Like words that are spoken, you cannot take it back. Except in this case, those regretful words or photos are spoken to many people. Before a post can be deleted, it can be saved or forwarded by others, further extending the impact.

It doesn’t take long to realize the weightiness of this issue for our children. And it doesn’t take much longer to realize that this weightiness should apply to my own habits on social media.

I want my words and actions online to honor the Lord. And I believe that requires an intentional evaluation of our state of mind, motives, and purpose before posting something that can reach hundreds of people in a matter of minutes and cannot be taken back. So I wrote out a list of questions to use before posting something on the internet. I hope this list will cause me to slow down and prevent me from posting things that do not glorify the Lord and bring about good for His people.

This list is for me. But since I hope I am not the only one trying to approach this crazy world of social media from a biblical and loving perspective, I thought I’d share it as food for thought.

1. Are you upset, angry, exhausted or overwhelmed?

If so, you are much more likely to post something you’ll regret. Take your emotions to the Lord. Talk to a friend. Now is not the time to share your mind with hundreds of people who barely know you.

2. Would you say this in front of a room full of people?

The internet distances us from our audience. We can’t see them. We don’t even know who is there. That distance brings a false sense of security and removes filters that would be in place if we were talking with them in person. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable saying this out loud in front of an auditorium of 700 of your friends, family and those random people you vaguely remember from junior high, then you probably shouldn’t say it online.

3. Are you trying to communicate something to a specific person(s)?

This is a temptation, I know. Speaking difficult things to people we know is uncomfortable, and it seems easier to communicate indirectly using social media. But it is not a good idea. Let’s communicate directly with the people in our lives.

4. Does this post involve another person?

If so, do you have their permission? If not, get that first. And if the thought of asking them makes you squirm, you probably have no right to post this anyway.

5. Have you examined your motives for posting?

I realize that we can’t foresee all the ways our posts might impact someone else. But do you know in your heart that your post is intended to make others jealous? Does your post lump a group of people (say, those who disagree with you politically) into a single category and call them names? Are your motives in agreement with Christ’s command to love others as you love yourself? Or are you loving yourself only?

6. Is your post true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy? Will it benefit those who see it?

God’s Word gives us this checklist in Philippians 4:8 and Ephesians 4:32. As a follower of Christ, I want my thoughts, words and actions – including those that occur online – to demonstrate obedience to His commands. He gives us these guidelines for our own good and for the good of those around us. I can love God and love others by considering these things before I speak.

Please don’t unfriend me – I am not in a position to judge your posts! I am guilty of posting things I shouldn’t, and I know I will be again in the future. I rejoice that God’s grace is greater than all our sins! But I hope that as brothers and sisters in Christ, or as friends who want the best for each other, we can encourage each other to use the internet for good and for God’s glory.

Now excuse me while I see what your toddlers are getting into today on Instagram. Because I definitely enjoy seeing that mess all over your kitchen floor!

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