Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

40 Biblical Principles For Parenting

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Recently, I evaluated the books, advice, and paradigms which have influenced my parenting.  While I believe that parenting books and counsel from wise parents can be useful and good, I want to ensure that the primary impact on my parenting decisions comes from God’s Word.

 

I embarked on a search for resources that describe what the Bible says about parenting.  There are countless lists of verses to use when teaching your children to behave.  I already own and use many of these.  But I was looking for verses telling ME how to behave as a parent.  And this was surprisingly difficult.

 

I didn’t discover many resources that use Scripture to teach parents how to behave toward their children.  (However, one helpful publication I found was “A Checklist for Parents” by Pam Forster.)  Since no one else was going to make this easy for me, I decided to compile my own list.  Using Forster’s checklist and my own search of God’s Word, I wrote a list of biblical principles for my own parenting.  It turns out that the Bible has a lot to say to parents!  And so I thought I should share what I found, with the hope that other parents might be encouraged by it. 

 

Due to the large number of verses, I grouped them into four categories.  First, I have general biblical principles for parenting.  These are general principles regarding our role as parents.  Second, I have biblical principles for discipline.  These relate to how we discipline our children, since this is a topic addressed multiple times by Scripture.

 

Next, I listed principles for how we should relate to our children.  These principles apply to loving all our neighbors.  But they are important to consider, since following these biblical admonitions is often more difficult in our own home.

 

Finally, I listed principles for our personal spiritual growth.  As we grow in Christlikeness, our parenting will reflect that change.  Our children will benefit as we draw nearer to our Savior and deepen our understanding of God’s Word.

 

As you may have noticed, only a fraction of these verses speak directly to parents or the act of parenting.  As I studied, I started to realize that our cultural emphasis on parenting doesn’t seem to be reflected in Scripture.  We are preoccupied with parenting, because we are so afraid of getting it wrong.  I’m not saying that parenting isn’t important.  However, I think our cultural obsession with being a good parent might not be biblically accurate.  If we were primarily focused on growing in obedience to Christ and dependence on Him, I believe wise parenting would naturally flow from our submission to God and His Word.

 

This list is far from complete.  I’m certain that I could study God’s Word for years and still have more to learn about motherhood.  But there’s enough on this list to keep me busy long after my kids have grown up and started families of their own.  It’s a good place to start.

 

What biblical principles for parenting would you add to this list?  Leave me a comment with your ideas!

 

Click here for a downloadable PDF.

 

40 BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES FOR PARENTING

 

1. General biblical principles for parenting: 

  • Pray for your children (specifically, for them to follow God’s commands)

(I Samuel 12:23, I Chronicles 29:19)

  • Give praise generously 

(Proverbs 3:27)

  • Pass on wisdom 

(Proverbs 4:11, Proverbs 31:26)

  • Teach your children to find their refuge in the Lord 

(Proverbs 14:26)

  • Tell your children of God’s wonderful deeds and His faithfulness 

(Psalm 78:4, Psalm 145:4, Isaiah 38:19)

  • Rightly handle the word of truth 

(II Timothy 2:15)

  • Teach them the Gospel and prepare them to recognize false doctrine

(Romans 1:16, Galatians 1:8-9)

 

2.  Biblical principles for discipline:  

  • Be diligent in discipline in order to drive out foolishness 

(Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 22:15, Proverbs 29:15)

  • Teach your children God’s commands 

(Deuteronomy 6:6-7, I Samuel 12:23, Psalm 103:18-19)

  • Reprove, rebuke and exhort with patience and teaching 

(Proverbs 3:12, II Timothy 4:2)

  • Set an example for your children and do not lead them into sin 

(Proverbs 20:7, Matthew 18:6, I Peter 5:2-3)

  • Restore them gently when they sin 

(Galatians 6:1-2)

  • Exhort and encourage them to walk in a manner worthy of God by loving  others and doing good works

(I Thessalonians 2:11-12, Hebrews 10:24)

 

3.  Biblical principles for relating to your children: 

  • Have compassion on your children and remember their weakness 

(Psalm 103:13-14)

  • Do not bear a grudge against them 

(Leviticus 19:18)

  • Love them with love that is patient and kind, not boastful or envious or rude, not irritable or insisting on your own way, bearing all things and rejoicing in the truth 

(I Corinthians 13:4-7)

  • Display the fruits of the Spirit toward your children (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness gentleness and self-control)

(Galatians 5:22-23)

  • Walk in a manner worthy of your calling by showing humility, gentleness, patience, and bearing with them in love 

(Ephesians 4:1-3)

  • Do not let unwholesome talk come out of your mouth 

(Ephesians 4:29)

  • Encourage them and give grace with your words 

(Ephesians 4:29)

  • Be reasonable and joyful 

(Philippians 4:4-5)

  • Be compassionate, kind, humble, meek, and patient 

(Colossians 3:12)

  • Forgive as the Lord has forgiven you 

(Colossians 3:13)

  • Lay down your life for them 

(I John 3:16)

  • Love in deed and truth and not just words 

(I John 3:18)

  • Love them as God has loved you 

(I John 4:11)

 

4.  Biblical principles for our own spiritual growth as parents: 

  • Seek God’s kingdom first 

(Matthew 6:33)

  • Love God and others 

(Matthew 22:38-39, Romans 13:9)

  • Walk with integrity 

(Proverbs 20:7)

  • Choose your advisors carefully and remain grounded in God’s Word

(Psalm 1:1-2)

  • Provide for your children and your household 

(II Corinthians 12:14, I Timothy 5:8)

  • Remember you will sow what you reap 

(Galatians 6:7)

  • Wives, submit to your husbands  

(Ephesians 5:22)

  • Fathers, do not provoke your children 

(Ephesians 6:4)

  • Do not be anxious about anything 

(Philippians 4:6-7)

  • Pray about everything 

(Philippians 4:6-7)

  • Think on what is true and right 

(Philippians 4:8)

  • Be thankful 

(I Thessalonians 5:18)

  • Draw near to the throne of grace to find mercy and grace to help in time of need 

(Hebrews 4:16)

  • Ask God for wisdom 

(James 1:5)

 

List of Scripture references*:  Leviticus 19:18; Deuteronomy 6:6-7; I Samuel 12:23; I Chronicles 29:19; Psalm 1:1-2, 78:4, 103:13-14, 103:17-18, 145:4; Proverbs 3:12, 3:27, 4:11, 13:24, 14:26, 20:7, 22:15, 29:15, 31:26; Isaiah 38:19; Matthew 6:33, 18:6, 22:38-39; Romans 1:16, 13:9; I Corinthians 13:4-7; II Corinthians 12:14; Galatians 1:8-9, 5:22-23, 6:1, 6:7; Ephesians 4:1-3, 4:29, 5:22, 6:4; Philippians 4:4-8; Colossians 3:12-13; I Thessalonians 2:11-12; I Thessalonians 5:18; I Timothy 5:8; II Timothy 2:15, 4:2; Hebrews 4:16, 10:24; James 1:5; I Peter 5:2-3; I John 3:16; I John 3:18; I John 4:11

*The above Scripture references can be copied and pasted into the search box on www.esvbible.org to read the entire list of verses.

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Why I Stopped Handing Out Parenting Books

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When my oldest child was a toddler, I read a couple of parenting books and decided I had this parenting thing figured out.  I loved the book Don’t Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman and recommended it to everyone I knew.  I was wholeheartedly on board with the idea of teaching my kids to obey me, just as they need to obey God someday.  If any of my friends encountered parenting struggles, rather than listening and praying with them, I told them to read the book.  (Seriously.  How do I still have friends??!!)

As my kids grew older, parenting got more complicated.  It became less black and white (“don’t run into the street!”) and a little more confusing (“are you supposed to punish them for being irresponsible?”).  And I was introduced to a couple of newer parenting books that talked less about first-time obedience and more about giving your children grace.

These books seemed just as biblically-based as the earlier books I had read and left me confused.  Was I supposed to demand obedience or give grace?  Or both?  And how?

I saw an article posted on social media lately that talked about not giving your kids a warning before expecting them to obey.  There was a lot of backlash in the comments, and people were clearly in two camps:  either agreeing with the article that parents should demand immediate obedience or disagreeing and saying parents need to discipline with grace.

This brought to my mind the division I see among Christian parents today.  There’s the group I will loosely term the “obedience camp” and the group I will call the “grace camp.”  These are probably unfair generalizations–I know that those in the obedience camp often give grace and preach the Gospel to their children.  And those in the grace camp set boundaries and require obedience.  But many parents and authors I know tend to fall more on one side or another.  And we silently (or sometimes not-so-silently) judge those on the other side for being too strict or too lenient.

So I wonder, which camp should I fall in?  I feel a lot of pressure from both sides.  One side has a curriculum called Growing Kids God’s Way.  Of course I want to grow my kids God’s way!  Another book I’ve read is Grace-Based Parenting.  There’s nothing more important that grace, right?  How do I choose between parenting God’s way and basing it on grace?  It’s enough to keep a mom awake at night, and trust me, that’s really saying something!

But what if the obedience camp and the grace camp are both biblically correct?  What if they are both God’s way of showing His grace to our children?

What if God, in His wisdom and sovereignty, gives parents different personalities and preferences and strengths and weaknesses that match the needs of their children? 

What if God loves our children so much that He gave them the parents they would need to grow into what He wants them to be?

What if, rather than following a formula or a book or a list of ten parenting application points, we search the Scriptures to see what God says about how to relate to our children and others?

What if not having all the answers causes us to fall on our knees every morning and beg the Lord for the wisdom to deal with whatever we will face that day as parents?  

I bet that would lead to some grace-based, obedience-demanding, radical Christian parenting.

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The Cross of Jesus

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Tomorrow is Good Friday.  We are studying Matthew 27 (the crucifixion) in Bible Study Fellowship this week.  So the cross of Jesus has been on my mind lately, and it’s showed me two things:

1. the cross doesn’t enter my daily thoughts very often, and 2. it really, really should.

Life is busy.  My thoughts are usually consumed with my to-do list, dinner plans, parenting challenges, and vacation daydreams.  But these last several days, as my thoughts have turned more and more to the suffering, death, and resurrection of Christ, I started making a mental list of how I’ve benefitted from Christ’s death on the cross.

I’d like to be more aware of these benefits on a daily basis, not just during Holy Week.  And so as I record them for myself, I’ll also share them with you.  I hope contemplating what Christ has done will encourage you as it has encouraged me.

 

Christ was betrayed, so I could be reconciled to God. (Romans 5:10)

Christ was taken captive, so I could be set free. (Matthew 26:50, Galatians 5:1)

Christ poured out His blood, so I could be filled with the Holy Spirit (Matthew 26:28, Romans 8:11)

Christ was falsely accused, so I could be free from the accusations of the evil one. (Matthew 26:59-60)

Christ was sacrificed, so I could be rescued. (I Peter 1:18-19)

Christ was taken outside the city gates, so I could be brought into God’s kingdom. (Matthew 27:33)

Christ was forsaken, so I could be accepted. (Matthew 27:46)

Christ was disrobed, so I could be clothed in His righteousness. (Isaiah 61:10, Matthew 27:35)

Christ became sin, so I could be made righteous. (II Corinthians 5:21)

Christ was wounded, so I could be healed. (I Peter 2:24)

Christ was mocked, so I could be welcomed. (Matthew 27:39-44)

Christ suffered, so I could be sanctified. (Hebrews 13:11-13)

Christ was condemned, so I could know no condemnation. (Romans 8:1)

Christ became like the guilty, so my guilt could be removed. (Matthew 27:37-38, Psalm 103:12)

Christ was separated from the Father, so I never will be. (Romans 8:38-39)

Christ died in the darkness, so I could walk in the light. (Matthew 27:45, John 8:12)

Christ became cursed, so I could be free from the curse. (Deuteronomy 21:22-23)

Christ was humiliated, so I could be glorified with Him. (Romans 8:17)

Christ was rejected, so I could be adopted. (Romans 8:15-16)

Christ felt the sting of death, so I could be freed from its power. (I Corinthians 15:55-57, Matthew 27:50)

Christ was punished, so I could be pardoned. (Micah 7:18)

Christ wore a crown of thorns, so I could receive the crown of life. (Matthew 27:29, James 1:12)

Christ experienced God’s wrath, so I could be spared from it. (Romans 3:25)

Christ was the perfect Passover Lamb, so I could pass from death to life. (John 1:29, Colossians 1:13)

 

John 19:30: When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, “It is finished,” and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit.

 

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Therefore

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Romans 12:1-2:  Therefore, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship.  Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

Our pastor has been preaching through Romans.  It has been so good.  I think if I could only have one book out of the Bible, I’d pick Romans.  I could read every day about what a wretched sinner I am (Romans 1 and 3), how God chose to save me through the death of His Son, Jesus Christ (Romans 3:23-25, 5:8, 10:9), that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ (Romans 8:1), and that NOTHING can separate me from the love of God in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:38-39).

Last Sunday, we arrived at Romans 12.  The big “Therefore . . . ”  News as fabulous and life-changing as the Gospel requires a response.  And Romans 12 tells us that our response of gratitude for what God has done for us is to offer our bodies as a living sacrifice and be transformed by the renewing of our mind.

I’ve been thinking about these verses for a few days now and pondering how my mind needs some renewal.  When I first found out that I was cancer-free and finished with treatment, I was overflowing with joy.  Anyone who asked how I was doing would get an earful about all the wonderful things God had done.

But as time goes on, discontentment and anxiety start to creep in.  I stop being thrilled to have hair and start to envy the long, beautiful hair of others.  I look around me and feel jealous of those who don’t have to go to Houston every three months for a CT scan, who don’t have to think about cancer returning, and who blissfully assume they will hold their grandchildren someday.  I start to hold on tightly to my own plans instead of being thankful for today and trusting tomorrow to the Lord because He knows best.

I hate sin.  It is so ugly.  Especially mine.

When I read, “offer your bodies as living sacrifices,” it sounds like I need to give myself, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, to the One who created me and His perfect will.  I need to say, “God, because I have received your mercy and grace in Christ, I know You are good and Your ways are perfect.  You can let this body be devoured by cancer or live 50 more years–whatever brings more glory to Your name.”  Do I have the courage to say that?  Some days I don’t, some days I do–only by the power of the Holy Spirit.

To offer my body as a living sacrifice, I need my mind to be renewed.  I’ve decided that when those envious or anxious thoughts creep in, I will focus my mind on something God has done to show His faithfulness to me, especially during my 9-month-long cancer battle.  I will choose not to be conformed to the pattern of this world, but be transformed, so I can proclaim that God’s will is indeed good, pleasing and perfect.

To God be the glory.

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