Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

The Most Selfish Thing I Do

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I do a lot of selfish things.  I talk too much and interrupt people.  I throw adult-style, sophisticated temper tantrums when things don’t go my way.  I spent way too much time and money caring for myself, my reputation and my stuff.  I’ve known this for a long time.

But recently, I realized that there’s another way selfishness manifests itself in my life.  Every day.  Sometimes every hour.

 

I worry.

 

I worry about myself.  I worry about other people.  I worry about the weather, about the future, about the past.  And what is at the root of almost all of these worries?  Me.

Why do I worry about my future? Because I don’t want to experience suffering.  I try to figure out a way around hardship, because I don’t like it when life is difficult or sad or confusing.  I want an easy, happy life.

Sometimes, worry masquerades as concern for others.  But it’s mostly about me.  I worry about my husband, because I want him to be perfect so I don’t have to struggle in our marriage.  I worry about my children, because I don’t want to experience the pain of their bad choices.  I worry about my friend with cancer, because I will be sad if she dies.  I worry about the weather, but only when it is going to interfere with my plans.  I worry about world events that might someday impact me and my family.

 

Me.  Me.  Me.  Me.  Me.

 

Seeing the depth of selfishness associated with my worrying helps me to see why the Bible tells us not to worry.  Over and over again:  do not fear, do not be anxious about anything, do not worry about tomorrow.

The Lord knows that when we are worrying, we are focused on ourselves.  He wants us to be focused on Him, trusting Him, accepting what He gives with a peaceful heart.  He knows that what we need more than a happy, easy life is a quiet heart that is resting in Him.

 

You keep him in perfect peace

        whose mind is stayed on you,

        because he trusts in you.

Trust in the LORD forever,

        for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.

Isaiah 26:3-4

 

 

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When the Prayer Button Breaks

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My five-year-old daughter hates going to the dentist. (I can’t say I blame her.) Before her most recent dentist appointment, she asked her dad and me to pray for her at least a dozen times in the 24 hours leading up to the appointment, including in the car on the way there, in the waiting room, and in the chair when they took her back.

We most definitely had covered the appointment in prayer. You might even say that we had pushed the “prayer button.” But when the moment came and they started cleaning my daughter’s teeth, she found that she still didn’t like it. It was still weird and noisy and someone had their fingers in her mouth, asking her to open up and be still. She started crying and screaming, “God isn’t helping me!” (Yes, it was a proud, proud mommy moment.)

What happened? Was the prayer button broken? Did we not pray enough? Did we not have enough faith? Was God busy or asleep? Did He not care?

I had a similar experience the following week. I was facing what I knew was going to be a stressful few hours with the kids. We had more to do than could possibly be done in the time we had. I was tired and hormonal. And so I literally fell to my knees in my bedroom and begged the Lord to help me. I asked for wisdom, patience, gentleness and kindness toward my children.

Twenty minutes later, I was back in my bedroom. I was crying. My daughter was crying in her room, and I had just closed my son’s door a little too emphatically after checking on his work and being disappointed with his progress. I wanted to scream, “God isn’t helping me!”

What happened? Once again, it seemed the prayer button failed.

There’s a quote I love that says, “Don’t doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” The truth is that God is always with us, always caring for us, always being perfectly loving and faithful to us. Despite the darkness we felt, God was there with my daughter at the dentist and with me during those stressful hours.

I hope my daughter will someday understand that God was truly with her that day, answering her prayers for help.

He gave her the very breath she used to cry out, “God isn’t helping me!”

He gave her the strength to face her fears and get her teeth cleaned, even though it wasn’t pleasant.

He gave her a mother present with her to hold her and tell her it would be over soon and supportive brothers cheering her on.

He gave her access to excellent, affordable dental care just minutes from her home.

And even though she couldn’t fathom why she had to go through this suffering, those who know more than she does understand that it was for her good.

The Lord was certainly with her that day, keeping all His promises to His precious child.

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On Blogging (and Not Blogging)

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Well, look at that–I’m writing a blog post.  It’s been awhile.  I’m feeling conflicted lately about blogging.  I’ve been writing, but not sharing my thoughts online like I used to.  And recently, I asked myself why.

 

It’s fear, plain and simple.  Fear of what others think.  Fear that others might think I’m trying to be a super-blogger, a fabulous writer with a large following.  And obviously, if I were aiming for that, I would be failing miserably.  I’m not even sure that my husband or my mom read my blog.

 

It’s fear that no one cares what I have to say.  Or that they will think it is stupid or lame or silly.  There’s nothing special about me or my writing.  I’m no longer a mom with cancer.  I don’t have deep thoughts or grand ideas or new insights or beautiful stories to share.  My thoughts are no more interesting than yours, and at best, I’m maybe an above-average writer.  So why should I blog?  Why should you spend time reading it?

 

It’s fear of adding to the massive amounts of information in the blogosphere.  I often feel the need to unplug from all the voices clamoring for my attention and just be quiet with God’s Word.  Maybe you feel that way, too.  I’m not helping matters by adding to the voices.

 

It’s fear of thinking too much of myself.  I already struggle with thinking of myself too often.  I don’t need to spend more time thinking of how valuable I am (or my writing is) in the eyes of others.

 

And yet, God has given me the ability to write.  He’s given me a willingness to share my writing with others.  He’s given me a husband who knows how to make a website.  I feel God calling me to share these things.

 

I love to write as a way to process what I’m thinking, feeling and learning.  I’d love to process these things further with people around me.  So if you know me personally, I’d love you to ask me more about what I write here.  Let’s have coffee and chat!  Challenge me, question me, ask me how I’m living out what I’m learning and writing.  Share with me how you’re struggling or being challenged by the Lord.  I’d love that!

 

So I will share and pray that God will use it in whatever way He chooses. And I will ask Him to enable me obey His command to have no fear.

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A New Life Verse

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I think I have found my “Life Verse.”  I’ve never had a life verse before, but I know people who do.  The verses are usually very inspirational, something along the lines of reaching the nations or future generations for God.  Good stuff, really.  My favorite verse thus far is Romans 8:1, but it didn’t seem to fall into the Life Verse category.

But a couple of weeks ago when I was doing my Bible study (Behold Your God–an awesome study of God’s attributes which deserves many, many blog posts that I don’t currently have time to write), I came across a verse I’ve never noticed before:

2 Chronicles 20:12:  We don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on you.

Some context for those of you who don’t have 2 Chronicles memorized:  King Jehoshaphat and the Israelites are watching multiple nations of enemies coming against them in battle.  They know there is no way they can defeat this multitude.  Jehoshaphat calls the people together, and they cry out to the Lord, asking what they should do.  It specifically mentions that they are all standing before the Lord, along with their wives and children.   Can you imagine this picture?  Standing there, clutching your children to you, watching the enemy come, knowing you are powerless against them and crying out to the Lord for help.  (To see how it ends, see 2 Chronicles 20.)

This has definitely become my Summer Verse, if not my Life Verse.  For one thing, this verse is very easy to memorize.  It rhymes and has lots of 2’s in the reference.  And if there is one theme in my life right now, it is that I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to encourage my 5-year-old to not become a prideful Pharisee who craves approval and does all the right things only when someone is watching.  (It takes one to know one, and that kid is just like me.)  I don’t know how to encourage my 3-year-old to put his poop in the potty rather than in his pants.  And I certainly don’t know how to encourage my sister-in-law as she battles the most formidable enemy we’ve faced in a long time:  breast cancer.

I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on the One who is my refuge and strength, an very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1).  He promises His perfect wisdom is ours for the asking. (James 1:5).  He hems me in, behind and before, and lays His hand upon me (Psalm 139:5).  When my eyes are on Him, I can choose to be overwhelmed by His love and goodness toward me, rather than being overwhelmed by my circumstances.  (With thanks to my summer Bible study leader for this last thought.)

I don’t know what to do, but my eyes are on You.

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