Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

Five Years of Desperate Prayers Answered on One Tuesday Morning

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On October 25, 2010, I was about to leave for my oldest child’s 1st grade parent-teacher conference when my phone rang.

It was THE call from the radiologist who had performed the biopsy the week before. I was expecting to hear that it was either breast cancer or not breast cancer, but instead he was talking about a rare cancer that I had never heard of called angiosarcoma. I had to ask him to spell it as I wrote it down and stared at the strange new word.

Stunned, I said to him, “I’m not sure if you’re telling me I have one year or five years or what.” His answer was not reassuring:  “We just don’t know yet.”

What does anyone do when they’ve just been diagnosed with a cancer they’ve never heard of?  I Googled it, of course. And one of the first things I read was that only 30% of those diagnosed with angiosarcoma live five years past the diagnosis. I slammed the laptop shut and burst into tears.

Then my confused brain struggled to do some mental math and fast-forward five years. All I could think was that in five years my 18-month-old daughter would be just 6 years old – first grade. That there was a 70% chance that my baby girl wouldn’t have me with her when she walked into her first day of first grade.

First grade become my earnest plea to the Lord. I spent many weepy nights begging Him for more years with all three of my children. But for my baby, I wanted time for her remember me. In my mind, walking her into 1st grade would mean not only that I survived angiosarcoma for 5 years. It would mean having five years of making memories with my children and being part of their childhood.

As the years passed and it looked more likely that I would survive five years, my prayers became bolder. Now I look past first grade and ask for the privilege of parenting teenagers, seeing them graduate, attending their weddings, holding their babies. I continue to plead for more time and for the faith to trust the Lord with our future. But I don’t want to let this answered prayer pass by unnoticed . . .

On Tuesday, I will hold my daughter’s hand as she walks into her first day of first grade.

Praise the Lord! To Him alone be the glory!

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Why I Shrugged When I Saw My Shattered iPhone Screen

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If the people walking behind me at camp last Saturday were paying attention, they probably thought I was really strange.

 

I was walking to the car with my son after picking him up from his first week at overnight camp.  I had several things in my hands, and I dropped my iPhone on the pavement.  I picked it up and saw that the screen was completely shattered.  I shrugged, showed my son, and quietly said something like, “Oh.  Bummer.”  Then I calmly walked to the car like nothing had happened.

 

If I saw someone respond that way to a broken phone, I’d think they were either extremely easy-going, filthy rich or absolutely insane!

 

Here’s what any campers and parents who noticed the incident didn’t know:  just one week earlier, my cellular service contract had expired.  I was eligible for a phone upgrade at a discounted price, and I had my eye on a new iPhone 6.  The night before, I asked my husband if I could get one, and he said I could!  I planned to go pick one up that very week.  When I saw the broken phone, I thought, “I get my new phone today!”

 

The expectation of a new phone caused me to respond to adversity in an unexpected way.  

 

In a similar way, God’s promises enable His children to respond to suffering in unexpected ways.  Christ’s victory over sin and sickness and sadness and death empowers us to face difficult circumstances without fear and despair.

 

When I was diagnosed with cancer as an almost-34-year-old mom of three young kids, I didn’t shrug my shoulders and say, “Oh, bummer,” and go on like nothing had happened.  I was heartbroken.  I was scared.  But there was also a sense in which I was peaceful.  I knew I could trust God’s plan for my life when my plans had been shattered.

 

I know that God is making all things new and that He will make all things new.  He is currently making all things new as He walks with us through dark times and pours out His grace, comfort and peace.  He is weaving our threads of suffering into a beautiful tapestry for His glory.  And He will make all things new one day when we are with Him in new bodies and a new heaven and a new earth.

 

I am convinced that God’s promises are true.  I am convinced that NOTHING can separate us from God’s love in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:38-39).  I praise God that I can cling to Him as my Rock when it feels like my whole world has been shattered (Isaiah 26:3-4).

     

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

     And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Revelation 21:3-5

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Cookies, Counting and the Cross

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Do you know the difference between a two-year-old and a three-year-old? A two-year-old will share her cookie with you. A three-year-old won’t.

 

Sometime around our third birthday, we learn that the quantity of the cookie is limited. We realize that giving part of our cookie to mommy means less cookie for us. And we’ve known for some time that less cookie for us is a very bad thing.

 

I think this understanding of limited quantities of desirable things can hinder us from understanding God’s grace and forgiveness. It’s hard to wrap our brains around a fountain of grace that never runs out . . . that never lessens later no matter how much I need now . . . that never lessens for me no matter how much you need.

 

I love these thoughts from The Valley of Vision, “Calvary’s Anthem”:

“At the cross there is free forgiveness 

       for poor and meet ones, 

       and ample blessings that last for ever; 

The blood of the Lamb is like a great river of infinite grace 

       with never any diminishing of its fullness as thirsty ones without

       number drink of it.” 

 

Can you imagine a river of infinite grace that never diminishes in fullness? We can never exhaust God’s grace and forgiveness. Christ accomplished this for us!

 

When my troubles exhaust my emotional resources and when my sin exhausts my spiritual resources, this truth brings great comfort – the resources of grace and forgiveness that I own in Christ will never run out.

 

My daughter likes to beat me in the “I Love You” game by saying she loves me to infinity. The other day, she confessed that she can’t count to infinity because she doesn’t know all the numbers. I told her that even if she did know a lot more numbers, she could never count to infinity.

 

Infinity means there is always one more number. And the reason there is always one more number is because we live in a world created by an infinite God. We can never get to the end of His numbers, and we can never get to the end of His grace.

 

“O Lord, for ever will thy free forgiveness live 

       that was gained on the mount of blood;

In the midst of a world of pain

       it is a subject for praise in every place, a song on earth, an anthem in

       heaven, its love and virtue knowing no end.”

– The Valley of Vision, “Calvary’s Anthem”

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Coping With Scanxiety (And Other Scary Things)

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In a few weeks, I will travel to Houston for my next cancer follow-up appointments. I’ll be honest and say that I HATE these appointments. I hate having to ask other people to take care of my kids for three days for something that isn’t fun. I hate having to travel down there. I hate the process of getting blood drawn, getting an IV, sitting around the waiting room, and laying in the scanner. I hate waiting until the next day to see my doctor for results. I hate walking the halls of the hospital and re-living the unpleasant memories. I hate those moments when I wait in the exam room for someone to come in and tell me whether or not I have recurrent, metastatic angiosarcoma.

 

I wish I could say that I waltz through all of this with joy, peace and complete confidence in God’s good plans for me and my family. But when they take my vital signs before I see my doctor for results, I usually end up having to tell the nurse that no, my pulse isn’t going to slow down unless she waits until after I get my scan results. Even just typing these words and thinking about being there makes my pulse quicken! The anxiety related to cancer follow-up scans is so intense that we survivors have our own word for it:  scanxiety.

 

A friend asked me recently how I deal with the anxiety related to these appointments. Since I’ve been doing this for 4 years now, I’ve given it a lot of thought! Her question got me thinking about my coping strategies for anxiety and how they might be helpful to others.

 

1.  Do the Next Thing

There are times when all I can do is just get through it. In the weeks before my scans, I know my focus needs to be on today and not on tomorrow or next week or three weeks from now. The Lord says to leave tomorrow to Him (Matthew 6:34).  So one way I cope with anxiety is to push the thoughts of the future aside and focus on what God has asked me to do right now. Put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing.

 

2.  Promises from God’s Word

I love, love, love God’s Word. God will never fail to keep His promises. There are many promises in God’s Word that have become especially precious to me in the midst of anxiety. Here are just a few:  Psalm 46:1-2, Psalm 46:10-11, Psalm 73:25-26, Psalm 112:7-8, Psalm 121:1-2, Isaiah 26:3-4, Isaiah 43:1-2, Jeremiah 31:3, Lamentations 3:21-24, Habakkuk 3:17-19, John 16:33, Romans 8:38-39, Romans 15:13.

 

3.  Prayer

I also take my fears and concerns to the Lord in prayer. I am so thankful that Christ made a way for us to come before our Father’s throne and ask for help (Hebrews 4:16). My prayers in the midst of anxiety are not fancy or articulate. They usually go something like this:  “Please, God, don’t let me have cancer. This is so hard. Please help me.”

 

4.  Asking Others to Pray

Our Heavenly Father doesn’t ask us to carry our burdens alone – He gives us a family, the body of Christ (Galatians 6:2). Often, I will share my struggle with anxiety with others and ask them to pray for me. I’m thankful for friends who are willing to share my burden and pray for me. It brings me great comfort.

 

5.  Remembering God’s Past Faithfulness

Lamentations 3:21-23: But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

When I’m having a difficult time trusting God’s future faithfulness, I call to mind God’s past faithfulness.  Here’s a little math equation for you . . .

Past faithfulness + never changing = future faithfulness guaranteed! 

God has been faithful to me in the past. I could write all day about the ways He has worked in horrible circumstances for my good and for His glory.

God never changes.  Never ever, no matter what. Therefore, I can put my hope in His future faithfulness in all circumstances.

 

Doing the next thing, reading God’s promises, praying, asking for prayer and remembering the Lord’s trustworthiness don’t make my fears vanish. But these strategies remind me where to run when I am afraid:

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? (Psalm 56:3-4)

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