Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

Coping With Scanxiety (And Other Scary Things)

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In a few weeks, I will travel to Houston for my next cancer follow-up appointments. I’ll be honest and say that I HATE these appointments. I hate having to ask other people to take care of my kids for three days for something that isn’t fun. I hate having to travel down there. I hate the process of getting blood drawn, getting an IV, sitting around the waiting room, and laying in the scanner. I hate waiting until the next day to see my doctor for results. I hate walking the halls of the hospital and re-living the unpleasant memories. I hate those moments when I wait in the exam room for someone to come in and tell me whether or not I have recurrent, metastatic angiosarcoma.

 

I wish I could say that I waltz through all of this with joy, peace and complete confidence in God’s good plans for me and my family. But when they take my vital signs before I see my doctor for results, I usually end up having to tell the nurse that no, my pulse isn’t going to slow down unless she waits until after I get my scan results. Even just typing these words and thinking about being there makes my pulse quicken! The anxiety related to cancer follow-up scans is so intense that we survivors have our own word for it:  scanxiety.

 

A friend asked me recently how I deal with the anxiety related to these appointments. Since I’ve been doing this for 4 years now, I’ve given it a lot of thought! Her question got me thinking about my coping strategies for anxiety and how they might be helpful to others.

 

1.  Do the Next Thing

There are times when all I can do is just get through it. In the weeks before my scans, I know my focus needs to be on today and not on tomorrow or next week or three weeks from now. The Lord says to leave tomorrow to Him (Matthew 6:34).  So one way I cope with anxiety is to push the thoughts of the future aside and focus on what God has asked me to do right now. Put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing.

 

2.  Promises from God’s Word

I love, love, love God’s Word. God will never fail to keep His promises. There are many promises in God’s Word that have become especially precious to me in the midst of anxiety. Here are just a few:  Psalm 46:1-2, Psalm 46:10-11, Psalm 73:25-26, Psalm 112:7-8, Psalm 121:1-2, Isaiah 26:3-4, Isaiah 43:1-2, Jeremiah 31:3, Lamentations 3:21-24, Habakkuk 3:17-19, John 16:33, Romans 8:38-39, Romans 15:13.

 

3.  Prayer

I also take my fears and concerns to the Lord in prayer. I am so thankful that Christ made a way for us to come before our Father’s throne and ask for help (Hebrews 4:16). My prayers in the midst of anxiety are not fancy or articulate. They usually go something like this:  “Please, God, don’t let me have cancer. This is so hard. Please help me.”

 

4.  Asking Others to Pray

Our Heavenly Father doesn’t ask us to carry our burdens alone – He gives us a family, the body of Christ (Galatians 6:2). Often, I will share my struggle with anxiety with others and ask them to pray for me. I’m thankful for friends who are willing to share my burden and pray for me. It brings me great comfort.

 

5.  Remembering God’s Past Faithfulness

Lamentations 3:21-23: But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

When I’m having a difficult time trusting God’s future faithfulness, I call to mind God’s past faithfulness.  Here’s a little math equation for you . . .

Past faithfulness + never changing = future faithfulness guaranteed! 

God has been faithful to me in the past. I could write all day about the ways He has worked in horrible circumstances for my good and for His glory.

God never changes.  Never ever, no matter what. Therefore, I can put my hope in His future faithfulness in all circumstances.

 

Doing the next thing, reading God’s promises, praying, asking for prayer and remembering the Lord’s trustworthiness don’t make my fears vanish. But these strategies remind me where to run when I am afraid:

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? (Psalm 56:3-4)

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The Most Selfish Thing I Do

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I do a lot of selfish things.  I talk too much and interrupt people.  I throw adult-style, sophisticated temper tantrums when things don’t go my way.  I spent way too much time and money caring for myself, my reputation and my stuff.  I’ve known this for a long time.

But recently, I realized that there’s another way selfishness manifests itself in my life.  Every day.  Sometimes every hour.

 

I worry.

 

I worry about myself.  I worry about other people.  I worry about the weather, about the future, about the past.  And what is at the root of almost all of these worries?  Me.

Why do I worry about my future? Because I don’t want to experience suffering.  I try to figure out a way around hardship, because I don’t like it when life is difficult or sad or confusing.  I want an easy, happy life.

Sometimes, worry masquerades as concern for others.  But it’s mostly about me.  I worry about my husband, because I want him to be perfect so I don’t have to struggle in our marriage.  I worry about my children, because I don’t want to experience the pain of their bad choices.  I worry about my friend with cancer, because I will be sad if she dies.  I worry about the weather, but only when it is going to interfere with my plans.  I worry about world events that might someday impact me and my family.

 

Me.  Me.  Me.  Me.  Me.

 

Seeing the depth of selfishness associated with my worrying helps me to see why the Bible tells us not to worry.  Over and over again:  do not fear, do not be anxious about anything, do not worry about tomorrow.

The Lord knows that when we are worrying, we are focused on ourselves.  He wants us to be focused on Him, trusting Him, accepting what He gives with a peaceful heart.  He knows that what we need more than a happy, easy life is a quiet heart that is resting in Him.

 

You keep him in perfect peace

        whose mind is stayed on you,

        because he trusts in you.

Trust in the LORD forever,

        for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.

Isaiah 26:3-4

 

 

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When the Prayer Button Breaks

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My five-year-old daughter hates going to the dentist. (I can’t say I blame her.) Before her most recent dentist appointment, she asked her dad and me to pray for her at least a dozen times in the 24 hours leading up to the appointment, including in the car on the way there, in the waiting room, and in the chair when they took her back.

We most definitely had covered the appointment in prayer. You might even say that we had pushed the “prayer button.” But when the moment came and they started cleaning my daughter’s teeth, she found that she still didn’t like it. It was still weird and noisy and someone had their fingers in her mouth, asking her to open up and be still. She started crying and screaming, “God isn’t helping me!” (Yes, it was a proud, proud mommy moment.)

What happened? Was the prayer button broken? Did we not pray enough? Did we not have enough faith? Was God busy or asleep? Did He not care?

I had a similar experience the following week. I was facing what I knew was going to be a stressful few hours with the kids. We had more to do than could possibly be done in the time we had. I was tired and hormonal. And so I literally fell to my knees in my bedroom and begged the Lord to help me. I asked for wisdom, patience, gentleness and kindness toward my children.

Twenty minutes later, I was back in my bedroom. I was crying. My daughter was crying in her room, and I had just closed my son’s door a little too emphatically after checking on his work and being disappointed with his progress. I wanted to scream, “God isn’t helping me!”

What happened? Once again, it seemed the prayer button failed.

There’s a quote I love that says, “Don’t doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” The truth is that God is always with us, always caring for us, always being perfectly loving and faithful to us. Despite the darkness we felt, God was there with my daughter at the dentist and with me during those stressful hours.

I hope my daughter will someday understand that God was truly with her that day, answering her prayers for help.

He gave her the very breath she used to cry out, “God isn’t helping me!”

He gave her the strength to face her fears and get her teeth cleaned, even though it wasn’t pleasant.

He gave her a mother present with her to hold her and tell her it would be over soon and supportive brothers cheering her on.

He gave her access to excellent, affordable dental care just minutes from her home.

And even though she couldn’t fathom why she had to go through this suffering, those who know more than she does understand that it was for her good.

The Lord was certainly with her that day, keeping all His promises to His precious child.

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Manna

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One thing I love about the Lord is that we can always rely on Him to give us exactly what we need to endure any circumstance.  When I had cancer, He showered me with His grace like never before, always giving me the grace and peace required by my exceptionally painful and difficult circumstances.  I started calling this provision “cancer manna.”

 

Just like the manna that God sent to the Israelites in the wilderness (see Exodus 16), cancer manna–or challenging-child manna or difficult-marriage manna or *insert-trial-here* manna–is just what you need for that day.  No more.  No less.  It doesn’t make your circumstances less painful–just as I’m sure that wilderness was hot and tiring and seemed to never end.  But God’s perfect manna sustains you and meets your every need as you walk through your personal wilderness.

 

I have been cancer-free since July 20, 2011.  I praise God daily for this physical healing.  But the spiritual and emotional challenges that come with cancer survivorship and the possibility of recurrence can be overwhelming.  My quarterly trips to Houston for check-ups are especially anxiety-inducing.  And once again, that time is quickly approaching.

 

I’ve realized that these pre-check-up weeks are so difficult because in my mind, I have cancer.  I’m imagining the words coming out the doctor’s mouth, trying to figure out what we would do and how it would all work out . . . wow, it is really stressful to have imaginary cancer!  I need some of that cancer manna from before . . . oh, wait . . . God isn’t giving me cancer manna.  Because the truth is:  1.  I don’t have cancer.  2.  Living as though you have cancer when you’re not receiving the Lord’s cancer manna is stressful and exhausting.  And 3. if someday I have cancer again, the Lord will immediately pour out that cancer manna and meet each and every one of our needs.  He is good, and He is faithful.  He knows the exact date and time when I will need cancer manna again (if ever).  And in the meantime, He is giving the perfect manna for my daily situations . . . not the hypotheticals, not other people’s problems I’m trying to solve, but the work He has given to ME for TODAY.

 

God is good, and He is faithful in all things.

 

John 6:48-51 (Jesus speaking):  

“I am the bread of life. Your fathers ate the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread that comes down from heaven, so that one may eat of it and not die. I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. And the bread that I will give for the life of the world is my flesh.”

 

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