I can’t believe it has been a month since my last post. Two weeks of our entire family being sick, immediately followed by a 600-mile move . . . in the midst of the chaos, I’ve barely had a coherent thought in my brain to speak to new people I’m meeting, let alone several to form into a blog post! 🙂
As I was moving in, a friend of mine here in Arkansas invited me to a book discussion group. I thought, “I certainly don’t have time to read a book, but I could use some friends, so why not?” Little did I know that God didn’t only bring this opportunity along for the new friends (although that is a nice by-product) but for the wisdom that is found in the book we’re discussing–Don’t Make Me Count to Three
This quote from the book summarizes it well: “Biblical disciple gets to the heart of the problem. After all, if you can reach the heart, the behavior will take care of itself. In order for us to reach the hearts of our children we must realize that there is far more to parenting than getting our children to act right. We have to get them to think right . . . We do this by training them in righteousness. Righteous training can only come from the Word of God” (p. 26).
It seems that so many times, I can only muster the energy and time to punish Christopher for what he’s done wrong. This book has shown me the importance of delving into the heart issues behind Christopher’s disobedience and then training him to do what is right and, as Plowman puts it, “think like a Christian” about his behavior. And as she says in the quote above, this can only be accomplished with God’s Word playing an integral role. I’m hoping my new routine will look like this: 1. punishment for disobedience, 2. discussion about the heart issue behind it, 3. instruction from God’s Word about what he should have done instead, and even role-playing how to do it differently.
I Corinthians 10:13 says: “God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” In reference to this verse, Plowman writes: “When we correct our children for wrong behavior but fail to train them in righteous behavior, we will exasperate them because we are not providing them with a way of escape” (p. 48). I’ve never thought of it this way before, but now I see the importance in providing Christopher a way out, and it makes so much sense. How could he possibly be expected to figure it out for himself?
A few days ago, this actually worked. I woke up Christopher that morning, and when I told him it was time to go potty, he stated in a very whiny voice that he wanted to wake up Will before going potty. I told him that I could not say “yes” because he was whining, and then I walked him through how he could ask me correctly the next time. I had completely forgotten about it the next morning, when I woke Christopher up and said it was time to go potty, and just like we had practiced the day before, he said, “Mommy, can we wake up Will first, please?” I was shocked!
I’ve been very convicted by this book that I need to know Scripture better to truly train my children in righteousness. As 2 Timothy 3:16 says, “All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness.” The other moms in the discussion group and I are all planning to make notecards with Scripture references pertaining to different situations we encounter with our kids . . . if anyone has some great verses to share, please leave a comment. So far, I’ve just been reading I Corinthians 13 with Christopher and talking about what it means to love his brother. This gets applied many, many times, every single day. “Love is not rude! Love does not seek its own interest! LOVE IS KIND!!!! STOP HITTING YOUR BROTHER!!!!” (Is it training in righteousness if you are yelling Scripture at them? Probably not.)
More to come . . .
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Would love to hear more about how the book discussion group is run. I have already read through this wonderful book once when Abigail was younger and a lot less vocal about her feelings/wants/dislikes (though she has always had a bit of her strong-willed mother in her!!) and your post has me reading it again. I’d love to have a similar group with some friends but could use some guidance. As an aside…though I had already read it, I still laughed heartily and out loud when I read the story about “Doug” the cheeky action figure who put lipstick on the dog!!! So sorry we missed you in Nashville–maybe next time!
Hi Missy, I’m glad you’ve picked the book back up. I thought the “Doug” story was hilarious, too! The group is meeting twice–we met once to discuss the first half of the book, and we meet tomorrow to discuss the second half. It was basically a free-for-all discussion of things that stood out to us in the book, how we were applying it with our kids, and how that was working (or not working). It also evolved into a general discussion of creative discipline techniques and individual parenting struggles. One thing the organizer of the group did was give us a blank sheet of paper to divide into thirds and write down what we want to START, STOP and CONTINUE doing with our kids. It was great to jot down ideas in those categories during the discussion. She also had everyone email her a photo of their kids and put them on a piece of paper with the names of the kids, so we could have a visual reminder to pray for each other. Email me at marissahenley@gmail.com if you want more info, and I can fill you in on any new developments tomorrow night.
I have read both Shepherding a Childs heart and Don’t make me count to three and I am just looking for more practical applications, which is how I found you. I interested in starting a book discussion/ study, and would love to hear more about your group! Thank you for your thoughts about the books, and thank you for taking time to share your findings and scripture references. They have been very helpful! I struggle with wording during training, I know it is going to take some practice when talking with my kids who are 2.5 and 4 I think I will just keep reading these books and practicing what I learn till it gets easier! It is just so nice to meet some other moms with the same goals, keep posting it is great!
There’s gotta be some merit to the “yelling Scripture at them” method! ;o) Thanks for your post…I am looking for some good stuff to read and I heard about Plowman’s book from a friend. I have a 21-month-old and a 5-month-old (both daughters) and I’m trying to get a head start as I prepare for the next few years of “training time” with them. Thanks for the great advice and words of encouragment. By the way, I have used common songs to sing Biblical truths with my older daughter and she enjoys that (such as to the tunes of “Jingle Bells” and “A,B,Cs”). I want to do more with scripture memory too, though…gotta keep working on that!
Blessings!