Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

Decreasing, the application part

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Several years ago (before kids), a friend who had children made a comment to me about how I wouldn’t truly realize how selfish I am until I had kids. I remember being a little offended at the time, thinking she was wrong, and that I had a pretty good idea about how selfish I really was. It may not be true of everyone, but in my life, my friend was right. Before kids, I could usually make things work out the way I wanted them to. There was some sacrifice involved in marriage, but I am an excellent manipulator and a skilled arguer, so I could usually get my husband to come around to my way of thinking. But I’ve met my match when it comes to my kids. They are not concerned at all with what I want. So one of the toughest parts about being a mom for me is that multiple times a day, I have to die to my own desires. Sometimes it is downright painful. And too often I start to resent it.

This was definitely true during the last half of October. Here’s a recap . . . October 18, Will started running a fever. There were 8 days until my birthday, and I always have a sick kid on my birthday, so I was actually glad for my kids to catch the bug then so they could be healthy in time to give me a happy, carefree birthday. After Will had been sick for 4 days, Christopher caught it. By this point, I was starting to lose patience with being at home, and now I had two sick children. Christopher’s virus was short-lived, but Will’s dragged on for over a week.

When I woke up on the morning of my birthday, facing my 8th day of being confined at home with a sick child, I prayed that God would keep me from self-pity, from feeling that I deserved to have a fabulous day just because it was my birthday. I even gave this line to a friend who called that morning to wish me happy birthday and was appropriately sympathetic about Will still being sick.  I thought, “Oh, no, I don’t need your sympathy. I’m super-spiritual mom, queen of unselfishness, and I certainly don’t need to be celebrated on the day I graced the world with my presence.”

As it turned out, the day was a disaster. A mere twenty minutes after I got off the phone with my friend, both boys and I were crying. Later in the day I yelled at Christopher, “Why are you acting like this?!? Are you just trying to make sure I don’t have a good birthday?!?” And anyone else who called me that day got a hefty dose of self-pity and requests for major amounts of sympathy. (But, for the record, my birthday got a lot better after Noel got home from work.)

The boys were healthy for a day and a half, and then on Sunday afternoon, Christopher woke up from his nap with a temperature of 102. I saw all my plans for the week (including Halloween) crumble, along with any bit of emotional stability I had left. I still feel guilty about how I was much more concerned about myself that afternoon than I was about my sick child. I hit an all-new low at the pediatrician’s office the next afternoon when he ruled out anything we could get an antibiotic for and mentioned that it could be mono. (Thankfully, it wasn’t, and he was even better in time to enjoy Halloween.)

Why have I gone on and on about these two weeks of my kids being sick? Because the whole episode has shown me how difficult it is for me to muster the self-denial and unselfishness that motherhood requires. I am required to serve again and again without much gratitude in return. My needs and wants are trumped daily by my kids’ needs. I spend hours trying to teach them to obey, and then struggle to not take it as a personal offense when they do the opposite of what I’ve taught them. (A friend I was talking to on the phone got to overhear this comment last week: “Do you think it is a good idea to hit your brother in the face with a shoe? Really, that should be obvious.”)

One reason all of this is so difficult is that it brings me face-to-face with my sin. I can’t help but notice my selfish reaction to my kids being sick. I can’t ignore the irony when I am yelling at Christopher, “You need to get some self-control RIGHT NOW!!!!” I hardly ever had to apologize to my co-workers, but I have to seek my kids’ forgiveness on a regular basis.

The only answer I can think of is to ask God to change my heart so that I desire His glory more than my own. To pray that God would protect my kids from all my mistakes and that their lives would glorify Him, even if they don’t always make me look good. To saturate myself in God’s Word so that I will become more like Christ, who “did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant” (Philippians 2:6-7). Because I cannot muster the strength to fight my selfish desires on my own. If I am ever going to be able to put my kids ahead of myself not only in action, but also thought and motive, it will be by God’s grace alone.

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Worship

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Last week at BSF, our teaching leader talked about how God created every human to worship. Every day, all of us are worshiping something–either the God of the Bible or someone/something else (which is idolatry). She asked us a couple of questions: Who or what do you worship? And what would others who observe you say that you worship?

The first question is one that I’ve thought about before, but the second one really got me thinking about my kids. I spend about 10 hours every day being observed by my two little munchkins. Although they are too young to articulate it, I wonder what they would say about my worship if they could. Would they say Mommy worships the things of this world, or the one true God? Do they see me chasing after the approval of others and materialistic things? Or do they see me in constant communion with my Savior? Am I worshiping myself, my desires, my comfort? Or I am making daily sacrifices to live a life that brings glory to God? I’m afraid the answers are very convicting. And seeing it through the eyes of my kids, I know that the object of my worship is not only impacting my spiritual life, but my kids’ understanding of a God-honoring life as well.

A few more things about my Grandpa’s passing (see post below) . . . spending time sharing stories and celebrating his life last week left me feeling so thankful for his legacy of faith in our family. I found out that the Scripture passage he was reading when he died was Psalm 145. The psalmist is praising God for His wonderful works and telling others of God’s greatness and majesty. I especially like verses 4-5:

4 One generation shall commend your works to another,
and shall declare your mighty acts.
5 On the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and on your wondrous works, I will meditate.

God has given us all the responsibility to tell the next generation about Him. My Grandpa certainly did his part. I hope that someday my kids and grandkids will say the same about me. And verse 5 gives me the key: I must be constantly meditating on God’s wondrous works, the foremost of which would be the work of Christ on the cross. If I am, my praise and thanks will overflow with a contagious joy that will point my kids to God. It is a lofty goal, for sure, but Grandpa showed me it can be done.

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Dealing with life’s craziness

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I recently started attending Bible Study Fellowship, and our teaching leader is so wonderful that I’m sure I’ll be sharing many tidbits from her lectures. Last week, she said that all of us have craziness in our lives–I’m sure at this very moment, at least ten things have come to mind that you are dealing with in your own life. That’s what I started thinking about when she said it, going down the familiar path of self-pity, discouragement and mental exhaustion from worry. But the next thing she said grabbed my attention: “We can choose to deal with life’s craziness biblically or non-biblically.” Such a simple idea, and so obvious, and yet it has completely changed the way that I look at things. There are only two options, two black-and-white categories in which I can place the way I react to my kids, my husband, difficult circumstances and mundane responsibilities. One question to ask: Am I responding biblically or non-biblically?

So I sat down and thought about the three primary areas of my life that cause my emotional and spiritual struggles and then outlined my non-biblical responses and what some biblical responses would be. The first task was easy–I struggle with impatience with my kids, frustration with my husband, and feeling a lack of significance as a stay-at-home mom.

Kids: I tend to respond non-biblically by avoidance (“Just go play in your rooms for awhile, please!”) or in anger. Biblical responses would include responding in love (I Corinthians 13), displaying the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), being thankful for the time I have with them, and covering all of my parenting with a heavy dose of prayer (I Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Husband: I usually respond non-biblically because I am focused on myself and my needs. I am only seeing things from my perspective (I am tired and had a long day, and he better swoop in with a smile and unending energy and rescue me), and I end up being demanding and angry as a result. Instead, I should remember that I am called to love him sacrificially, just as God has loved me (Ephesians 5:1-2). I need to remember the stress he’s under and do what I can to support and encourage him (I Thessalonians 5:11). I need to view marriage as a tool for God to teach me and for God’s glory, not as a way to get my needs met. (More on that later from a great book I’m reading, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.)

Burnout: I struggle as a stay-at-home mom because I am focused on my need to feel good about myself, and I am desperate for a way to earn the praise of others. (Doing laundry and raising kids isn’t working out too well in that regard.) I want my life to be easy, fun and comfortable, or at least be significant in the eyes of the world. A biblical response would be to understand that I’m working for God’s glory and His eternal purposes by investing my time in my husband and children (Colossians 3:23-24). I must remember that God is faithful to sustain me through the work He has called me to do (2 Corinthians 12:9). I must resist laziness and ask God to show me how He wants me to spend free time–it probably isn’t those continuous Law and Order reruns I’m so addicted to on cable (Proverbs 31–especially verses 15 and 27).

I wonder what it would look like to put all my thoughts and actions through a biblical/non-biblical filter. My response to my kid’s tantrum–biblical or non-biblical? My judgment of someone I encounter during the day that annoys me–biblical or non-biblical? My shopping habits–biblical or non-biblical? (Ouch.) My response when my husband wants his back scratched at 10:00 pm–biblical or non-biblical? If I could permanently attach this filter to my brain, my husband would probably have more money and more frequent back-scratching. 🙂

One side-note: Thank you to Rachel for the comment on the post below. I really appreciated the use of the word “temptation” to describe your struggle with discouragement. I so often forget that when I am feeling discouraged because I am believing lies rather than the truth, it is sin. I’m not supposed to tolerate it or continue in it, but rather identify it as sin, confess it, and turn from the temptation to give in to those sinful emotions.

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God is right on time. (But I wish He'd hurry up.)

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Last Sunday at our church community group, we were talking about how the Jews were expecting the Messiah, but Jesus did not fit with their expectations of a powerful, political figure. In the midst of the discussion, our leader commented that although circumstances around us don’t meet our expectations and often seem out of whack, “God is always right on time.”

It might seem silly, but it got me thinking about the expectations I have for daily life with my kids. Expectations that someday they will obey and share (maybe tomorrow). Expectations that I will be more patient. Expectations that I will suddenly love to cook and clean now that I have a beautiful, newer home. Expectations that Christopher will pee in the potty and not in his pants (this is the big one).

Since the move, we have had some serious potty regression with each new transition–Daddy being gone, Daddy being home, Daddy going back to work. I’ve tried everything, and nothing seems to help. I’m sure that I was the only one at community group the other night applying this great wisdom to potty training. But it occured to me that while I think God needs to fix this problem for me and He’s definitely running late, instead He is right on time.

I suspect that ultimately this has nothing to do with Christopher and everything to do with me learning patience, endurance, and how to show my son I love him as I change his underwear for the fifth time that day. My son’s failure to use the potty appropriately is an expression of God’s love for me and provision for me as He teaches me the lessons I so badly need to learn. This truth helped me make it through three accidents today with a much more joyful heart!

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