relationships Archives - Marissa Henley

Six Questions to Ask Before Posting on Social Media

March 9, 2015 by Marissa Leave a Comment

We’ve all done it. The social media post we wish we could take back. That post that was misunderstood or misinterpreted. The one we didn’t expect to be taken the way it was. The post that hurt someone else, whether intentional or not. Or perhaps you are a reader, not a post-er, and you’ve been the one to be hurt by someone else’s words.

As my oldest child enters his tween years, I’ve started thinking about how we will teach him about social media. It’s crucial that he understands that the internet is forever. Like words that are spoken, you cannot take it back. Except in this case, those regretful words or photos are spoken to many people. Before a post can be deleted, it can be saved or forwarded by others, further extending the impact.

It doesn’t take long to realize the weightiness of this issue for our children. And it doesn’t take much longer to realize that this weightiness should apply to my own habits on social media.

I want my words and actions online to honor the Lord. And I believe that requires an intentional evaluation of our state of mind, motives, and purpose before posting something that can reach hundreds of people in a matter of minutes and cannot be taken back. So I wrote out a list of questions to use before posting something on the internet. I hope this list will cause me to slow down and prevent me from posting things that do not glorify the Lord and bring about good for His people.

This list is for me. But since I hope I am not the only one trying to approach this crazy world of social media from a biblical and loving perspective, I thought I’d share it as food for thought.

1. Are you upset, angry, exhausted or overwhelmed?

If so, you are much more likely to post something you’ll regret. Take your emotions to the Lord. Talk to a friend. Now is not the time to share your mind with hundreds of people who barely know you.

2. Would you say this in front of a room full of people?

The internet distances us from our audience. We can’t see them. We don’t even know who is there. That distance brings a false sense of security and removes filters that would be in place if we were talking with them in person. If you wouldn’t feel comfortable saying this out loud in front of an auditorium of 700 of your friends, family and those random people you vaguely remember from junior high, then you probably shouldn’t say it online.

3. Are you trying to communicate something to a specific person(s)?

This is a temptation, I know. Speaking difficult things to people we know is uncomfortable, and it seems easier to communicate indirectly using social media. But it is not a good idea. Let’s communicate directly with the people in our lives.

4. Does this post involve another person?

If so, do you have their permission? If not, get that first. And if the thought of asking them makes you squirm, you probably have no right to post this anyway.

5. Have you examined your motives for posting?

I realize that we can’t foresee all the ways our posts might impact someone else. But do you know in your heart that your post is intended to make others jealous? Does your post lump a group of people (say, those who disagree with you politically) into a single category and call them names? Are your motives in agreement with Christ’s command to love others as you love yourself? Or are you loving yourself only?

6. Is your post true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy? Will it benefit those who see it?

God’s Word gives us this checklist in Philippians 4:8 and Ephesians 4:32. As a follower of Christ, I want my thoughts, words and actions – including those that occur online – to demonstrate obedience to His commands. He gives us these guidelines for our own good and for the good of those around us. I can love God and love others by considering these things before I speak.

Please don’t unfriend me – I am not in a position to judge your posts! I am guilty of posting things I shouldn’t, and I know I will be again in the future. I rejoice that God’s grace is greater than all our sins! But I hope that as brothers and sisters in Christ, or as friends who want the best for each other, we can encourage each other to use the internet for good and for God’s glory.

Now excuse me while I see what your toddlers are getting into today on Instagram. Because I definitely enjoy seeing that mess all over your kitchen floor!

Loneliness

October 22, 2012 by Marissa Leave a Comment

I have been struggling with loneliness lately. Some if it is the typical baseline loneliness that seems to never leave. Some of it is circumstantial and will lessen as those circumstances change. Some of it is the additional loneliness I experience as a cancer survivor, the feeling that very few people know what it is like to be me.

It seems that most (all?) women experience loneliness in varying degrees. We long for a greater quality or quantity of friendships. We crave the companionship of someone really “gets” us, that feeling that someone understands what our life feels like. I am blessed with a wonderful circle of friends, but loneliness still plagues me sometimes, as it has for the past few weeks.

Last week as I listened to a sermon on the last few verses in Matthew, I was struck by Jesus’ promise in Matthew 28:20b:

“And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

This loneliness that I feel is meant to point me to the One who knows every detail of my life. He knows every fear, every tear, every need.

My Savior enjoyed the most perfect, loneliness-free existence as a member of the Trinity. But Christ “did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself by taking the form of a servant” (Philippians 2:6-7). I cannot imagine the loneliness Christ must have felt as He bore His Father’s wrath on the cross and cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). He endured this painful separation from His Father so that I can be brought into relationship with Him.

So the very Son of God can say to me, “I am with you always.”

Masks

April 14, 2012 by Marissa 2 Comments

A friend sent an email awhile ago, asking a group of women about what type of masks women wear. I’ve been thinking about this for awhile. I think there is the obvious mask: the Martha-Stewart, perfectly-dressed-with-perfectly-dressed-kids, have-it-all-together mom. When you’re wearing this mask, you don’t want anyone to see any weakness or failure as you oversee the school fundraiser while cooking a three-course meal in your spotless kitchen and patiently serving as referee for your children’s bi-weekly disagreement over which one gets to take out the trash for you.

I think moms also wear the “I’m so obviously overwhelmed and stressed out that you shouldn’t expect anything from me” mask. The purpose of this mask is to make sure everyone sees your shortcomings, so no one would ever ask you to plan the school fundraiser . . . after all, you can’t even dress your entire family before leaving the house. This mask isn’t nearly as glamorous as the first, but I know I’ve pulled it out a time or two when the perfection mask wasn’t gonna happen.

There are probably other masks that we wear and variations of these. We all have our strengths and take on specific roles in our group of friends. If you are the organized one, you don’t want anyone to see your disorganized closet. If you are the phenomenal cook, you’d hate for anyone to know that your kids are having mac’n’cheese from the box for dinner (again). If you are the theologian, you must have an answer for every problem, complete with at least three memorized Scripture references. If you are the social butterfly, you hope no one ever finds out how lonely you feel most of the time.

In true friendships, especially in the church, I have seen a push to take off those masks. It’s trendy to be genuine and vulnerable. And I think we peek out from behind them with those friends we can trust. But lately I’ve been realizing how much my mask is still on, even when I think I’m being real.

Truly taking off your mask does not mean laughing with your mommy-friends about how frustrated you got with your kid yesterday or how annoying your husband can be. Taking off your mask means pouring out your heart, probably with tears, about how you have no idea what to do with that child and how scared you are about where it’s all heading. It means admitting your marriage is on rocky ground, no matter how many times you smile and grab your husband’s hand on your way into church. Sharing your shortcomings so that people find you approachable and witty is just trading one mask for another.

So my question to my sisters in Christ is, when was the last time you were real with someone? Not fake-real, not witty-real, not I’m-down-to-earth-but-I-hope-you-still-admire-me real. Because the bottom line is that we all need the Gospel. We all need to be reminded on a daily basis that Christ is enough and we are not. If we are willing to share with our friends that we aren’t measuring up, they can remind us that Christ already attained perfection on our behalf. His perfect record has been given to us by God’s grace, so we are free to be the screw-ups that we are.

When I admit my ugliest failures to my friends, it is an opportunity for them to preach the Gospel to me. And when they admit their failures to me, I can do the same for them. It might not be pretty or fun, but it is covered in God’s grace. That is genuine, mask-less community.

Now, who wants to meet me for coffee and take off some masks?