Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

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Navigating Christmas When a Family Member Faces Cancer {Guest post for enCourage}

December 5, 2018 by Marissa Leave a Comment

 

I met my sister-in-law for the first time while receiving a blood transfusion on Christmas Eve. My brother brought her home for Christmas while she was still his girlfriend and I was two months into a battle with a rare cancer called angiosarcoma.

They came to the hospital as soon as they arrived in town, and I’ll admit—it was a little awkward. I wanted to show interest in this woman who had stolen my baby brother’s heart. I craved connection with her and with my brother, too.

But as the bag of blood dripped into the central line in my chest, I realized I had no emotional energy to give to my visitors. I was fatigued by the chemo, discouraged by bad news I had received a few days before, and wondering if this would be my last Christmas with my husband and young children. The year before, my husband’s sister had battled breast cancer during the holidays. So I knew from experience that when cancer meets Christmas, it’s difficult for everyone.

If you’re a family member of someone battling cancer this year, you’ve probably already been affected by your loved one’s diagnosis and treatment. You may wonder or even worry about how to handle the impacts of this tough situation during the holidays. I’ve been the one who is sick, and I’ve also been the family member wondering how to respond. I’d love to walk alongside you with a few suggestions.

You can read the rest of this post over on the enCourage blog of the PCA Women’s Ministry. 

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Three Simple Ways to Support a Friend With Cancer During the Holidays

November 29, 2017 by Marissa 4 Comments

Three simple ways to support a friend with cancer during the holidays.

In December 2010, I laid in bed while elves decorated my house for Christmas.

That might sound like a dream come true, right? We all struggle to juggle our typical busy schedules plus the demands of the holiday season.

But the year I battled cancer, spending late-night hours wrapping gifts and baking cookies wasn’t an option. I couldn’t even care for my family, so there was no way I could prepare for the holidays on my own. Thankfully, my elves—my amazing friends—knew I needed help, and they showed up to support our family.

If you have a friend fighting cancer this Christmas, you may wonder how to support her, especially in the midst of your own busy schedule. I’ve got a few suggestions that will hopefully shed light on your friend’s needs and ways you can help.

1. Help your friend with holiday tasks.

Depending on her treatment schedule and energy level, your friend might need just a little help or an entire sleigh of elves to pull her through. Try offering to help in one of these ways and see if she takes you up on it!

  • Offer to decorate her house for Christmas.

Ask your friend if there are any decorations that they want to do as a family. Maybe they love to put the ornaments on the tree or hang the stockings, but you could put up everything else. Tell her you’ll be back after Christmas to put the decorations away, and then follow through when the time comes!

  • Offer to help with her Christmas shopping.

Let your friend know which stores you’re hitting this week and ask if she needs anything there. Or you could pick your friend up and take her with you. She can run as many errands as she feels up to and then sit in the car while you finish. This gives you the added benefit of having time with your friend while you shop!

  • Give her a hand with the gift-wrapping.

You could offer to pick up gifts to wrap at your house, or you could bring over your wrapping paper, a movie, and hot cocoa, and work together to get the job done. Either way, make sure you let her write the names on the tags. Her family will want to see her handwriting on Christmas morning, not yours.

2. Understand your friend’s mixed emotions

Having cancer during the holidays is a bummer. Your friend’s Christmas may be tainted by her treatment schedule, financial stress, difficult emotions, and the inability to travel or keep her typical family traditions.

When I had cancer, I was devastated each time my health issues kept me from being present with my family for holiday events. I was terrified that I might not have many more Christmas seasons with them and desperately wanted to make every moment special. For years after cancer, the fear of recurrence and my uncertain future complicated my emotions around the holidays. I’d pack up the Christmas decorations each January and beg God to let me be the one to open them the next year.

Depending on your friend’s situation and prognosis, she may not be dwelling on these thoughts and fears. But her emotions surrounding the holiday season might be different than they were before cancer. Here’s how you can help:

  • Ask open-ended questions.

Say something like, “How does Christmas feel for you this year?” or “Is your health situation changing the way you experience the holidays?”

  • Listen to her answer.

She may give you a chipper “I’m fine!” and move on, and that’s okay. Follow her lead—she may be feeling positive and enjoying the season, or you may not be the one she wants to open up to right now. But if she needs to process fear or sadness with you, listen compassionately and let her know you’re supporting her in this struggle.

3. Keep the meals coming.

If your friend is going through treatment or recovering from surgery, I hope there is a meal calendar for her family. But as people get busy and leave town for the holidays, there may be gaps in the schedule. Ask your friend what she needs during the holidays, and rally the elves to provide for them. Here are some ideas:

  • Stock her freezer.

Pick one or two meals this month that you could easily double. Package the extra food to go into your friend’s freezer. Recruit a few friends to do the same, and she’ll have a fully-stocked freezer to get her through the holidays.

  • Ask friends to chip in for restaurant gift cards.

This will lighten the burden on your friend during the weeks when people are traveling and unable to bring meals.

Here’s one important thing you need to know about helping your friend during the holidays:

You are absolutely not going to be able to do all these things for your friend.

I know you’re busy right now, too. You hardly know how you’re going to get food on your own table, let alone shop, wrap, decorate, and cook for others while providing meaningful emotional support.

Keep in mind that you can’t do everything, and just pick one or two ideas from this. Consider the closeness of your relationship, and pray about how you can serve her. After you’ve done your part, trust the Lord to provide for her other needs. He is always faithful to do so.

 

Photo by Caley Dimmock on Unsplash

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God is Not Surprised {No Matter What Monday}

May 1, 2017 by Marissa Leave a Comment

God is not surprised by your suffering. Biblical encouragement, Scripture, and devotionals for women.

 

Every May 1 for the last ten years, my friend Katherine has heard a knock on her door. She opens the door and feigns surprise when she finds flowers, calling out so the hiding children can hear: “What is this? Who could have left these here?”

My children cover their mouths to stifle their giggles, then nod at each other that it’s time. They run out shouting, “It’s us! Happy May Day!”

Katherine knows we’re coming every May 1. The tradition started more than three decades ago when I hid behind a tree in her front yard every May Day, holding back my laughter as she wondered loudly who left the flowers at her door.

Just as our May Day visit is no surprise to Katherine, God’s Word says our suffering should be no surprise to us. We saw two weeks ago in John 16:33 that Jesus told the disciples to expect trouble in this world. One of those disciples later wrote about suffering to believers who were experiencing it:

Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. (1 Peter 4:12-13)

Be encouraged, friend. We can face suffering without fear, because God isn’t scrambling to figure out what went wrong. He’s not surprised or caught off guard by the trial that’s come upon you. He has a plan to use it for your good and for His glory, which will be fully revealed when Christ returns. You can rejoice because Christ suffered for you, so that one day you will be free of suffering forever.

No matter what you face this week, God is not surprised by your suffering.

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I write to remind myself of the truth of God's promises. I share my writing here in case you need to be reminded sometimes, too.

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Click the image above to learn more about Marissa's books: After Cancer and Loving Your Friend through Cancer

Recent Posts

  • God’s Faithfulness in a Winter Season – Part 3 {Guest post for enCourage}
  • God’s Faithfulness in a Winter Season – Part Two {Guest post for the enCourage blog}
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