Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

Six Questions to Ask Before Posting on Social Media

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We’ve all done it.  The social media post we wish we could take back.  That post that was misunderstood or misinterpreted.  The one we didn’t expect to be taken the way it was.  The post that hurt someone else, whether intentional or not.  Or perhaps you are a reader, not a post-er, and you’ve been the one to be hurt by someone else’s words.

 

As my oldest child enters his tween years, I’ve started thinking about how we will teach him about social media.  It’s crucial that he understands that the internet is forever.  Like words that are spoken, you cannot take it back.  Except in this case, those regretful words or photos are spoken to many people.  Before a post can be deleted, it can be saved or forwarded by others, further extending the impact.

 

It doesn’t take long to realize the weightiness of this issue for our children.  And it doesn’t take much longer to realize that this weightiness should apply to my own habits on social media.

 

I want my words and actions online to honor the Lord.  And I believe that requires an intentional evaluation of our state of mind, motives, and purpose before posting something that can reach hundreds of people in a matter of minutes and cannot be taken back.  So I wrote out a list of questions to use before posting something on the internet.  I hope this list will cause me to slow down and prevent me from posting things that do not glorify the Lord and bring about good for His people.

 

This list is for me.  But since I hope I am not the only one trying to approach this crazy world of social media from a biblical and loving perspective, I thought I’d share it as food for thought.

 

1.  Are you upset, angry, exhausted or overwhelmed? 

If so, you are much more likely to post something you’ll regret.  Take your emotions to the Lord.  Talk to a friend.  Now is not the time to share your mind with hundreds of people who barely know you.

 

2.  Would you say this in front of a room full of people? 

The internet distances us from our audience.  We can’t see them.  We don’t even know who is there.  That distance brings a false sense of security and removes filters that would be in place if we were talking with them in person.  If you wouldn’t feel comfortable saying this out loud in front of an auditorium of 700 of your friends, family and those random people you vaguely remember from junior high, then you probably shouldn’t say it online.

 

3.  Are you trying to communicate something to a specific person(s)? 

This is a temptation, I know.  Speaking difficult things to people we know is uncomfortable, and it seems easier to communicate indirectly using social media.  But it is not a good idea.  Let’s communicate directly with the people in our lives.

 

4.  Does this post involve another person?

If so, do you have their permission?  If not, get that first.  And if the thought of asking them makes you squirm, you probably have no right to post this anyway.

 

5.  Have you examined your motives for posting? 

I realize that we can’t foresee all the ways our posts might impact someone else.  But do you know in your heart that your post is intended to make others jealous?  Does your post lump a group of people (say, those who disagree with you politically) into a single category and call them names?  Are your motives in agreement with Christ’s command to love others as you love yourself?  Or are you loving yourself only?

 

6.  Is your post true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy?  Will it benefit those who see it?

God’s Word gives us this checklist in Philippians 4:8 and Ephesians 4:32. As a follower of Christ, I want my thoughts, words and actions – including those that occur online – to demonstrate obedience to His commands.  He gives us these guidelines for our own good and for the good of those around us.  I can love God and love others by considering these things before I speak.

 

Please don’t unfriend me – I am not in a position to judge your posts!  I am guilty of posting things I shouldn’t, and I know I will be again in the future.  I rejoice that God’s grace is greater than all our sins!  But I hope that as brothers and sisters in Christ, or as friends who want the best for each other, we can encourage each other to use the internet for good and for God’s glory.

 

Now excuse me while I see what your toddlers are getting into today on Instagram.  Because I definitely enjoy seeing that mess all over your kitchen floor!

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Loneliness

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I have been struggling with loneliness lately.  Some if it is the typical baseline loneliness that seems to never leave.  Some of it is circumstantial and will lessen as those circumstances change.  Some of it is the additional loneliness I experience as a cancer survivor, the feeling that very few people know what it is like to be me.

 

It seems that most (all?) women experience loneliness in varying degrees.  We long for a greater quality or quantity of friendships.  We crave the companionship of someone really “gets” us, that feeling that someone understands what our life feels like.  I am blessed with a wonderful circle of friends, but loneliness still plagues me sometimes, as it has for the past few weeks.

 

Last week as I listened to a sermon on the last few verses in Matthew, I was struck by Jesus’ promise in Matthew 28:20b:

“And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

This loneliness that I feel is meant to point me to the One who knows every detail of my life.  He knows every fear, every tear, every need.

 

My Savior enjoyed the most perfect, loneliness-free existence as a member of the Trinity.  But Christ “did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself by taking the form of a servant” (Philippians 2:6-7).  I cannot imagine the loneliness Christ must have felt as He bore His Father’s wrath on the cross and cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”  (Matthew 27:46).  He endured this painful separation from His Father so that I can be brought into relationship with Him.

 

So the very Son of God can say to me, “I am with you always.”

 

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How to help a close friend with cancer

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In a previous post, I discussed a topic on which my friends have made me an expert:  how to be a friend to someone with cancer.  Of course, it looks different if you are one of the few women closest to the woman batting cancer.  You may be leaned on more heavily for emotional and logistical support by your friend.  So this post is for those of you who have one of your besties battling this terrible disease.

Recently, one of my close friends was talking about when I had cancer and said, “what we went through . . . ” and then stopped and said, “I mean, what you went through . . . ”  I stopped her and told her that WE went through it.  I look back on my cancer journey and know that for my close family and friends, we all had cancer together.  Yes, they got to keep their hair, and our experience of the situation was different.  But they bore my burdens to such an extent that we were all heavily affected by cancer.

If you have a close friend battling cancer, it has probably changed your life. You may want to read my previous post about helping a friend with cancer.  I hope those ideas combined with this post will help you understand as much as possible what your friend is going through.  Again, I am writing about women helping women.  I won’t even try to guess what a man needs as he battles cancer.  And everyone is different, so please ask questions, or even share this post with your friend with cancer and ask her what she agrees with from her experience.

1.  Offer to coordinate help.  Find out their meal needs, food allergies and dislikes, and set up an online calendar so friends can sign up.  Your friend does not have the energy to sort through offers of meals, assign dates to people, and make sure she doesn’t get three lasagnas in a row.  Ask your friend to send out a mass email or post on her Facebook wall that all offers of help should be sent to you, and then you can organize this for her.  You may also help coordinate child care, housecleaning, and other logistical needs during her treatment.

2.  Text or call when you’re heading to the grocery store.  When I was in treatment, two of my close friends kept an envelope of my money in their purses.  They would pick up groceries that we needed, figure out my total, and pay themselves out of my envelope.  (I hope they rounded up, because I bet that was a pain.)  When they ran out of my cash, I’d hand them some more.  It was a huge help, since I was usually in Houston or didn’t have enough white blood cells to be at Wal-mart.  And if my husband goes to the store, he comes home with Ramen noodles, Pringles, and Mountain Dew.

3.  Anticipate needs she may not be thinking of (or not have the courage to ask for help with).  When it’s time to sign up for items for a school party, sign up for her, and let her know you’ll grab it at the store and take it to the school.  If your children are invited to a birthday party, offer to grab a gift for her child to take.  (See how often that envelope of cash will come in handy?)  Decorate her house for the holidays–and don’t forget to take the decorations down when the holiday has passed.  These are all tasks my close friends helped with, and it was greatly appreciated.

4.  Be sensitive to her need for normalcy.  After just spending three paragraphs telling you to do everything you can for your friend, I’m going to throw a wrench into the formula and tell you this:  your friend with cancer may be grasping at every bit of normalcy she can find.  She may want to get her own groceries and do her own laundry or get the birthday party gift herself.  Just be sensitive to what she’s capable of doing, ask questions, and let her tell you “no thanks.”

5.  Tell your friend when people ask you how she’s doing.  Cancer treatment can be lonely and isolating.  Sometimes it feels like the normal world is going on without you, while you’re stuck in cancer world.  It helps to know that people in the normal world are thinking about you and care enough to ask your friends how you are doing.    You may also ask your friend to clarify which information can be shared with others and what needs to be kept private, as many may rely on you for information about how she’s doing.

6.  Listen.  Your friend has a lot on her mind.  She’s been diagnosed with a serious illness, and depending on her treatment and her prognosis, she may be dealing with major changes to her body, her lifestyle, and her life expectancy.  You cannot fix this.  Even if you could figure out the most perfect, profound, thoughtful words to say, your friend would still have cancer.  You don’t need to have answers or perfect words.  Just sit with her, be a safe place, and listen.

7.  Remember that your friend is overwhelmed.  I hate to be harsh, because I know it is tough when your close friend has cancer.  But you need to remember that this isn’t about you.  Your friend is probably stressed, exhausted and highly emotional.  She may say or do things that hurt your feelings.  You will need to give your friend mountains of grace and forgiveness during this time, and you may want to find another friend who can help you process your feelings.  Don’t try to ask for emotional support from your friend with cancer.  She doesn’t have it to give right now.

8.  Be positive.  Whether she says it out loud or not, your friend with cancer is probably scared.  If she needs to talk about death, do not blow her off and gloss over her fears by saying, “Oh, don’t talk that way–you will be fine.”  Listen to her.  But unless her doctors have told her that her disease is terminal, she needs you to remain positive.  You may want to say something like, “I know you are scared.  If the worst happens, I will help Steve with the kids.  But we’re not to that point yet.  You are beating this!”

9.  Be in it for the long haul.  My cancer treatment lasted for more than 8 months.  And I am still dealing with the repercussions more than a year later, both physical and emotional.  When you are first diagnosed with cancer, there is a huge outpouring of love and support.  As time goes on, you start to wonder if people will move on to the next crisis before you are finished needing them.  Let your friend know that you understand this is a long-term situation, and you aren’t going anywhere.

10.  Understand that cancer will change your friend forever.  Your friend will be different, even after her cancer treatment is over.  Some of her friendships will survive this change, and others won’t.  If you want to be one of the friendships that survives, you must be willing to walk through these changes with her.  Be supportive of her new, cancer-related friendships.  Listen, ask questions and try to understand what it’s like for her as a cancer patient or a cancer survivor.  Be a safe place where she can talk about her fears and disappointments.  Know what conversation topics or events can trigger emotions about what she’s going through (or what she’s been through).  Realize that cancer will impact her life on a daily basis even after she’s finished with treatment and everyone else celebrates and moves on.

A note to my friends:  This list is compiled from the wonderful ways you supported me and from my own failures as a friend, not yours.  God used each one of you in His perfect way to be what I needed in different ways and different times.  You are one of His great expressions of His love for me, and I love you all.

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What If

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A year ago today, I was anxiously waiting for a biopsy that had been scheduled a few days later.  It is emotional for me to look back at those days right before my cancer diagnosis on October 25, 2010.  There is a temptation to dwell on it, as if I can somehow will it to turn out differently, to re-write history and get a phone call on that day that there was no cancer.  By grace alone, I am taking those thoughts captive and refusing to stay stuck on the “what-ifs.”

But it is an interesting question:  What would life look like today if it had been an infection like they originally thought?  What if that phone call on October 25 had gone the other way?  What if I had continued the antibiotic and gone on with my life?

What if I didn’t know just how much I truly have to be thankful for?

What if I didn’t understand the power of prayer and Scripture and the Holy Spirit to comfort you in the most dire of circumstances?

What if I didn’t realize how incredible my church family and friends are?

What if I was still driven by my to-do list and squeezing in quality time with my kids in between, instead of the other way around?

What if I didn’t know how many people love me and care about me?

What if I didn’t know to take time to make green slime and go for ice cream and say yes when they ask for just one more story?

What if I had never met our nanny or my Houston family or the oncology clinic staff or my cancer posse?

What if I was still oblivious to the needs of the sick and hurting in my community?

What if I weren’t committed to talking with my kids every day about God’s character and how we can trust Him?

I didn’t get to choose the outcome last October.  And that is definitely for the best, because I know I would have picked the easy road and missed out on all the blessings God had in store with the trial.  He planned each and every day for my good and His glory, and I am thankful.  I was reminded this week of a Charles Spurgeon quote that I heard somewhere back in the chemo fog, and it resonates with my experience:

“There is no greater mercy that I know of on earth than good health except it be sickness; and that has often been a greater mercy to me than health.  It is a good thing to be without a trouble; but it is a better thing to have a trouble, and know how to get grace enough to bear it.” 

Thank you, Lord, for each and every mercy you give, and the grace to bear those that are difficult.

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