Marriage Archives - Marissa Henley

When We Slam into the Wall of God’s “Wait”

March 31, 2016 by Marissa Leave a Comment

There’s something I want.

My desire is materialistic, and no small matter, but almost everyone I’ve told agrees it’s a great idea. (I have very convincing arguments.)

Only one obstacle stands in the way: my husband isn’t ready for me to have it.

And I hate being told “not right now.”

When my husband first started voicing concerns, I didn’t pay much attention. I only heard the messages I was speaking to myself: “You deserve to be happy. There’s no reason not to fix this for yourself.”

Determined to get what I wanted, I repeatedly slammed into the wall of my husband’s hesitation. Arguments began. I trampled over his opinions, armed with the certainty that I was right.

But rather than crumbling my husband’s resolve, the Lord started to crumble mine. You probably know the feeling—those little bursts of conviction working on your heart.

I decided to invite an older, wiser friend to lunch and ask her advice. When I explained the situation, I had a feeling she wouldn’t say, “Just ignore what your husband thinks. Get what you want.”

And I was right.

My friend gently pointed out my wrong thinking, selfish attitude, discontentment, and lack of gratitude for what God’s already given me. She reminded me that I can trust God to give me good things. I can wait on Him, because His ways are perfect.

Did I know these truths? Absolutely.

Was I acting like it? Not one bit.

As we spoke, God lovingly pried these desires from my hands and placed them into His. I’m still tempted to grab them back sometimes. I start to worry that He won’t ever give me something I think is good for me.

In Matthew 6, we read about God’s care for the grass of the field and the birds of the air. And Jesus calls us out in our unbelief: “O you of little faith . . . do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all” (Matthew 6:31-32, emphasis mine).

Here’s the bottom line: Can I trust that what the Lord gives me is always best? Can I believe that what He withholds was never mine to begin with? Can I have faith that my heavenly Father will give me everything I need?

What do you want that God isn’t giving? Are you struggling to trust His provision? Will you join me in learning to trust that God gives us all we need? Can we put our good desires into His hands and leave them there, waiting on His timing and His perfect ways?

Let’s celebrate both that God can be trusted and that His grace covers all our unbelief as we struggle to trust Him more fully.

Adventures in Couponing

July 11, 2009 by Marissa 2 Comments

Several months ago, my husband started expressing his desire for us to start spending less and saving more. (This may or may not have coincided with a certain Democrat being elected president and vowing to “reform” health care. But that is another story for another blog.) He has repeated this preposterous suggestion many, many times. And every time, my flesh (sinful nature) has done a good job of ignoring it. After all, his job is pretty secure, he’s not making less money than he did a year ago–why should we cut back? Shouldn’t I be doing my part to stimulate the economy and support my local retailers? (I really want Gymboree to survive this economic turmoil.) It seemed crazy for my husband to ask me to make sacrifices, and not even so I could use the saved money for something fabulous, like an iPhone or a cleaning lady. Just for the sake of spending less and saving more. He must be nuts, right?

After some conversations with my wonderful friends (if you don’t have godly, truth-speaking friends in your life, may I suggest you get some immediately?), I realized that this was a huge area of disobedience in my life. My husband is asking me to do something. He is not asking me to sin. In fact, the thing he is asking me to do is perfectly reasonable, probably a good idea, and (gulp) would be glorifying God by thinking less about my own selfish desires. I knew it was time for the S-word: submission. I couldn’t bring myself to submit right away, so I started by praying that God would convict me and enable to submit and obey. And then I turned to my local expert on honoring your husband by spending less money: my friend Lynette.

I’ve been giving Lynette my coupons out of the Sunday paper for months. I had no idea what she was doing with them, but I knew I needed to find out. I broke the sad news to her that she would no longer be getting my coupons and asked her to share her secrets with me. Thankfully, she is very supportive of my saving money AND my submitting to my husband! She taught me a few key strategies:

1. Stop being married to specific brands. I was shocked when I compared the shampoo I usually buy with some much cheaper alternatives. I’ve been having shampoo tunnel vision for months, and my hair doesn’t even look that great.

2. Track the cost of items that you buy on a regular basis. When they go on sale, stock up.

3. Keep your coupons from the Sunday paper, and then use blogs such as Common Sense With Money, Money Saving Mom and Passion for Savings to find out how to maximize your savings by combining coupons with low sale prices.

4. Don’t be afraid to shop at Aldi. (I haven’t conquered this one yet. Maybe when the kids go back to school in the fall, and I don’t have to take three kids with me everywhere I go.)

This concept of combining sales and coupons is amazing! It is definitely worth spending some time on. In my first week, check out what I got . . . serious bargain-hunting bloggers always take a photo:

Pringles for 49 cents, family-size boxes of Special K for $2.50 each, Edy’s ice cream for $1.33 each, and deodorant for 38 cents! I also got a pint of Starbucks ice cream for 50 cents, but I gave that to my sister-in-law, because seriously, how much ice cream does a girl need when she has baby weight to lose?!?

Back when I was just dipping my toe into the pool of obedience but not ready to jump in, I read on a stay-at-home mom’s blog that she thinks that her job is to save her family as much money as possible. I thought, “Poor thing. My job is much more enjoyable–spending our family’s money and having fun doing it. Oh, wait . . . hmm, maybe that isn’t supposed to be my job . . . oh bummer, this woman is right!” Now I have a new view on my job description, though sometimes I miss my old job. I can’t wait to see what my new strategies will accomplish when it comes to lowering our spending, and (more importantly) pleasing my husband and letting him know that what’s important to him is important to me. I want to honor my husband with my spending, following the example given to us as women in Proverbs 31:

An excellent wife who can find?
She is far more precious than jewels.
The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.

Proverbs 31:10-11

Proverbs, Part 2

August 27, 2008 by Marissa 2 Comments

I’ve been reading Proverbs this summer and finally finished. It was excellent! (Of course.) Here are some of my favorite encouraging and convicting verses from the second half of the book:

Proverbs 14:29: Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. Very convicting–the last thing we need around here is more folly!

Proverbs 15:28: The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things. I really stink at pondering how to answer. I prefer to pour out whatever comes to mind. I want to ponder like the righteous!

Proverbs 23:12: Apply your heart to instruction and your ear to words of knowledge. This one is for me and for my kids. I’ve been praying for a verse for our part-time homeschooling next year, and I think this may be it.

Proverbs 27:14: Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD! I stink at waiting even more than I stink at pondering how to answer.

Proverbs 29:17: Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart. What a fabulous promise! Did you see that, moms?!? He said REST!!

Proverbs 30:5: Every word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him. What great truth and comfort.

Proverbs 31:11, 26-27: The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

I’ve been inspired by the Proverbs 31 Woman for a long time. This month, verse 11 stood out to me with regard to my spending habits. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. Can my husband completely trust the way I handle our money and run our household? Am I doing all I can to make sure he has “no lack of gain”? Or am I adding to his stress as he works to keep up with my spending? (Answers: No, No, and Yes.) What can I do differently to be more worthy of his trust and add to his gain?

Dealing with life’s craziness

September 28, 2007 by Marissa 1 Comment

I recently started attending Bible Study Fellowship, and our teaching leader is so wonderful that I’m sure I’ll be sharing many tidbits from her lectures. Last week, she said that all of us have craziness in our lives–I’m sure at this very moment, at least ten things have come to mind that you are dealing with in your own life. That’s what I started thinking about when she said it, going down the familiar path of self-pity, discouragement and mental exhaustion from worry. But the next thing she said grabbed my attention: “We can choose to deal with life’s craziness biblically or non-biblically.” Such a simple idea, and so obvious, and yet it has completely changed the way that I look at things. There are only two options, two black-and-white categories in which I can place the way I react to my kids, my husband, difficult circumstances and mundane responsibilities. One question to ask: Am I responding biblically or non-biblically?

So I sat down and thought about the three primary areas of my life that cause my emotional and spiritual struggles and then outlined my non-biblical responses and what some biblical responses would be. The first task was easy–I struggle with impatience with my kids, frustration with my husband, and feeling a lack of significance as a stay-at-home mom.

Kids: I tend to respond non-biblically by avoidance (“Just go play in your rooms for awhile, please!”) or in anger. Biblical responses would include responding in love (I Corinthians 13), displaying the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), being thankful for the time I have with them, and covering all of my parenting with a heavy dose of prayer (I Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Husband: I usually respond non-biblically because I am focused on myself and my needs. I am only seeing things from my perspective (I am tired and had a long day, and he better swoop in with a smile and unending energy and rescue me), and I end up being demanding and angry as a result. Instead, I should remember that I am called to love him sacrificially, just as God has loved me (Ephesians 5:1-2). I need to remember the stress he’s under and do what I can to support and encourage him (I Thessalonians 5:11). I need to view marriage as a tool for God to teach me and for God’s glory, not as a way to get my needs met. (More on that later from a great book I’m reading, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.)

Burnout: I struggle as a stay-at-home mom because I am focused on my need to feel good about myself, and I am desperate for a way to earn the praise of others. (Doing laundry and raising kids isn’t working out too well in that regard.) I want my life to be easy, fun and comfortable, or at least be significant in the eyes of the world. A biblical response would be to understand that I’m working for God’s glory and His eternal purposes by investing my time in my husband and children (Colossians 3:23-24). I must remember that God is faithful to sustain me through the work He has called me to do (2 Corinthians 12:9). I must resist laziness and ask God to show me how He wants me to spend free time–it probably isn’t those continuous Law and Order reruns I’m so addicted to on cable (Proverbs 31–especially verses 15 and 27).

I wonder what it would look like to put all my thoughts and actions through a biblical/non-biblical filter. My response to my kid’s tantrum–biblical or non-biblical? My judgment of someone I encounter during the day that annoys me–biblical or non-biblical? My shopping habits–biblical or non-biblical? (Ouch.) My response when my husband wants his back scratched at 10:00 pm–biblical or non-biblical? If I could permanently attach this filter to my brain, my husband would probably have more money and more frequent back-scratching. 🙂

One side-note: Thank you to Rachel for the comment on the post below. I really appreciated the use of the word “temptation” to describe your struggle with discouragement. I so often forget that when I am feeling discouraged because I am believing lies rather than the truth, it is sin. I’m not supposed to tolerate it or continue in it, but rather identify it as sin, confess it, and turn from the temptation to give in to those sinful emotions.