Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

How to Help a Friend with Cancer

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People tell me sometimes that I should write a book. I have no idea what this book should be about, but I think the topic I know the most about is this:

How to be the World’s Most Amazing Friend to Someone with Cancer.

I am not an expert on this because I am an amazing friend to others. God blessed me with an army of fabulous friends who loved me and supported me through nine months of cancer treatment and beyond. They have made me an expert on this topic.

Knowing that everyone reading this will someday know someone who is diagnosed with cancer, I thought I’d put all my friend’s wonderful ideas into writing. Please keep in mind that every cancer patient has different feelings, needs and desires. Your friend’s experience may be different from mine. Ask questions!

Also, I am writing about ways that women can support female cancer patients. I can barely understand my own husband, let alone what might go on in the mind of a man battling cancer.

Walking through cancer with a close friend looks very different than walking through cancer with an acquaintance or casual friend. So I will handle them in two separate posts. Today we will talk about how to support an acquaintance of casual friend who has been diagnosed with cancer.

1.  Pray for her. Tell her you’re praying for her. Pray some more. As much as your encouraging words and actions will help, nothing is as powerful as bringing your friend before the throne of her Creator and Redeemer. Long after the doctors tell her she’s cancer-free, keep your friend on your list for frequent prayer.

2.  Remember that everyone processes a cancer diagnosis differently. Don’t compare your friend’s reaction to her cancer diagnosis to other’s. Don’t assume she is feeling a certain way because that’s how you would feel. Ask lots of questions.

3.  Realize that you don’t understand. Don’t pretend like you do. Don’t try to compare something else in your life experience to what she’s going through (unless you’ve had cancer or another life-threatening illness.)

When I had a family member going through cancer, I often related her symptoms to my pregnancies, because that was my closest experience to the fatigue and nausea she was having. Now I realize that even though I never said being pregnant was like having cancer, it may have come across that way and been extremely frustrating to her. (She was kind enough to never tell me that.)

4.  Realize that having cancer can be isolating. So even though you don’t totally understand, avoid saying repeatedly that you just can’t imagine what she’s going through. Your friend with cancer doesn’t need to feel like this is so terrible that it isn’t even fathomable by anyone else. Just listen and empathize and try to understand as much as you can about what this is like for her.

5.  Offer to help. Try not to say, “Let me know how I can help.” Even though you are sincere, your friend might not know how to take you up on this offer. Saying, “Can I bring you dinner?” is better. Or try saying, “I’d like to bring you dinner next week. Would Monday or Wednesday work?”

I had a friend let me know that she was available at specific times during the week and could drive my children to school. I really appreciated her specific offer and could easily match it to one of my needs. She drove my son to preschool each Tuesday throughout my treatment.

6.  Let your friend say no to your offers of help. She may be overwhelmed by the influx of meals, she may not be comfortable with having someone else clean her house or care for her kids, or she may not be ready to accept help. Respect her no but keep asking gently and specifically from time to time.

7.  If she has an unlimited text plan, use text messages to communicate frequently that you are thinking of her and praying for her. Don’t be afraid to call your friend. She will ignore you if she needs to. But text messages are a quick and non-intrusive way to remind her that you care.

Ask about her text plan first–I racked up $50 in text overage charges after I was diagnosed and was thankful to be retroactively switched to an unlimited messaging plan!

8.  When you write her an email or text, say “You don’t have to write me back.” In the first few days after a cancer diagnosis, your friend is probably inundated with phone messages, emails and texts. It is overwhelming and time consuming if she feels that she needs to respond to all of them. And during treatment, she probably doesn’t have the energy to respond. She will appreciate your letting her off the hook whenever possible. This can apply to phone messages as well.

9.  When you visit in person, make sure she sits down. Your friend may be too proud to ask you to come past the doorway or the entryway to sit with her. But she’s probably very tired and would appreciate having a seat while you chat.

10.  Write her encouraging notes. The kind you put a stamp on. Getting notes in the mail is a wonderful surprise in these days of electronic communication. You can make your friend’s day by taking the extra time to send a handwritten note or Bible verse.

11.  If your children attend school or church together, keep your sick kids at home. We’ve all been there. You want to pretend that your toddler with a low-grade fever is cutting teeth or that green snot coming out of their nose is allergies. But your friend needs her kids to stay healthy. If she is receiving chemotherapy, she may not have the white blood cells to fight infection, and a small virus could land her in the hospital. Please be considerate and take extra precautions to protect her family.

12.  Throw her a Scripture shower. After I was diagnosed with cancer, a friend of mine asked my husband for the list Caring Bridge provides of email addresses of everyone who has viewed your site. She sent out a mass email asking them to mail me an index card with a Scripture and/or encouraging note. She sent me a ring to put them on and explained what she had done. For the next few weeks, my mailbox was flooded with index cards, many from people I don’t know. It was a tremendous blessing to me, and I cherish that stack of cards.

13.  Rally the troops for a freezer meal drive. If you know your friend through school or a specific organization, you can ask others to make freezer meals for her family. Find out food allergies and dislikes first, and ask if she has freezer space. If her space is limited, you can keep them in your freezer (or a friend’s) and deliver them in small batches.

My son’s school did this for us, and it was a huge blessing in those early days when our appointment schedule was unpredictable. It can also be helpful after surgery, when she may not want people in and out of her home each day delivering meals.

14.  Bring nutritious, quick breakfast and lunch food. When I had cancer, our church family and friends brought us dinner three times a week for several months. We never could have gotten through those months without them. But my kids wanted to eat three times a day, and my energy was limited. They ate a lot of Pop-Tarts! A few times, a friend brought a huge bag of homemade, (relatively) healthy blueberry pancakes for my freezer. They were easy and my kids loved them!

I would love to hear from other cancer survivors or their friends about other ways to encourage and serve a casual friend who has cancer. God was faithful to ease the burden of my cancer journey with the love and care of so many wonderful friends!

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One Cancer-Free Year

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One year ago today, on my dad’s birthday, a surgeon removed the remaining cancer from my body. Thanks be to God, that nasty cancer hasn’t been seen around here since.

Today feels like a birthday, because in many ways, Life After Cancer feels so different from what came before. Mercifully different from Life With Cancer, but also not the same as Life Before Cancer. Mostly better that life before, but with new challenges that accompany my now-complicated medical history.

I’ve been reflecting on this cancer-free year, and how it compared to the year that preceded it . . .

A year of making memories instead of missing milestones.

A year of joyful birthdays and other events celebrated in person rather than on video-chat.

A year of being the mom who showed up for everything, not to be an overachiever or super-mom, but just because I live here and have white blood cells.

A year of hearing people tell me I look good and wanting to reply, “You’re just saying that because I have eyebrows and eyelashes again!” 🙂

A year of thinking, “This time last year . . .” and giving thanks for health and normalcy.

A year of friendships with cancer warriors, celebrating healing and miracles, and pleading with God on behalf of those who are still waiting to celebrate as I am today.

A year of emotional pilgrimages back to MD Anderson, but leaving each time hearing: “No evidence of disease, see you in three more months!”

A year of adjusting to the physical, emotional and relational changes that come with cancer survivorship.

A year of struggling to figure out how God wants to use me and my experience in Cancer World for the good of others and for His glory.

A year of fighting the tendency to slip back into complacency and old habits–an effort powered by the Holy Spirit, with failures covered by the blood of Christ.

A year of giving thanks and praise to the Lord for His perfect plan–past, present and future–because of His never-ending goodness and faithfulness. He is all that we need.

Happy birthday, Dad. I love you tons. And happy Life-After-Cancer birthday to me. To God be the glory!

Romans 8:28: For we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.

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iPhone Detox Plan

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Last week I wrote a confession about my iPhone addiction and how it is negatively impacting my parenting.  Since then, I’ve struggled a bit with how to write this post about the changes I’ve made.  I don’t want it to come across as boastful.  “Look at me!  I’m supermom!  I’ve deleted all my fun apps, and so should you, or you’ll never be as great a mom as me!”  This is not the statement I’m trying to make.  One of my purposes for this blog is that it exalts the name of Jesus Christ, not me.

 

So I want to start by saying that these are some rules I have imposed on myself because this little rectangular screen has become an idol.  Rules that I need because, despite spending months away from my kids battling a rare cancer that still threatens to take me from them someday, I often choose meaningless entertainment over spending these fleeting days and years wisely with the children whom God has entrusted to me.

 

Not exactly anything to boast about, right?  I didn’t think so.  Now that we’ve got that out of the way, here is my iPhone Detox Plan.

 

Here’s a BEFORE shot of my iPhone:

I realized that every time I turn on my phone to make a call or answer a text, I see those tempting little numbers by my email or Facebook or Words With Friends.  So reflexively, I tap to see who likes my status or how badly my grandmother is beating me at Words.  (Embarrassing, but true.)  Next thing I know, my six-year-old is talking to me, and I’m giving him the I’m-checking-facebook-and-pretending-to-be-listening-”uh-huh.”

 

(Side note:  My six-year-old feels the need to tell me pretty much everything he thinks, all day long.  Ten years from now, it will really come in handy if he still wants to do this.  So I should probably PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND LISTEN NOW.)

 

To fight against these distracting little numbers, I decided to hide them on the third screen of my iPhone.  This is what my home screen looks like now:

 Very boring, right?  I can call, text, look up a Bible verse, take a picture, check my calendar or to-do list, and renew library books.  (Not that the Bible is boring.  But you get the point.)

 

And if I want to browse Pinterest, check email, or play a game?  I have to swipe all the way to the third screen and open a folder titled “Are Kids There?”  How’s that for conviction??  These apps are all off-limits if my kids are around.

Here is the rest of my iPhone Detox Plan:

1.  I’m not carrying my phone around in my pocket anymore.  It stays on the kitchen counter, and I check it periodically.  If someone needs something urgent, they can call my home phone.  This eliminates the temptation to answer calls or texts while reading to my kids or to check email every five minutes when I get bored.

 

2.  When I’m out with my kids, my phone stays in my purse.  This applies to spending time with friends and date nights with Noel whenever possible.  No more Pinterest at the park.

 

3.  When I’m driving, my phone stays in my purse.  My bluetooth lets me know if I get a call and who it’s from.  I can even answer it hands-free if needed.  No more texting at stoplights!  I’ve asked my kids to hold me accountable on this one.

 

4.  I’m trying to reduce talking on the phone while driving with my kids and spend that time chatting with them while I have a captive audience.

 

5.  Unless it is a special situation, I am no longer answering call-waiting.  The person I’m talking to is important and deserves my attention.  (This doesn’t have anything to do with my kids or my iPhone.  But it’s part of life in 1982 that I miss–the ability to talk to just one person at a time.)

 

6.  My husband and I have decided that 6-8 p.m. will be phone-free and computer-free time in our home.  We are not militant about it, but we are trying to be more aware and really devote those hours to spending time together as a family.  I’m much more likely to read one more bedtime story if I know I can’t use my laptop for another 20 minutes anyway.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I have already broken these rules a few times.  I’m amazed at how reflexively I reach for my back pocket, how often I wonder if I have any email, how I feel compelled to read every text message within five seconds of hearing that chime.

 

Let’s be honest.  I am a housewife.  None of my emails are urgent.  But these kids are growing up at lightening speed, and in a few years, they won’t want to talk to me or play Monopoly with me or tell me every detail of the Magic Tree House book they just read.  That’s the urgent stuff, and I want my minute-to-minute choices to reflect that.

 

If you have felt convicted about technology use or another distraction in your life, what changes are you making?  Will you leave a comment and let me know?

 

To God be the glory.

 

 

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“Hang Up and Drive”: Motherhood Edition

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Hello, my name is Marissa, and I am an iPhone addict.

 

I’ve known something was not right for awhile now.  I’ve tried putting away the laptop on the days my kids are home, but that didn’t seem to be enough.  Then recently, a friend shared this post from Hands Free Mama on Facebook.  Reading it was like getting hit in the gut.  It’s got me thinking about how truly enslaved I am to my electronic devices, especially my iPhone.

 

“Enslaved?  Really, Marissa?  That’s a little overboard.”

 

But think about it . . .

 

  • Can you go out to lunch with a friend for an hour, put your phone in your purse on silent and not even think about checking it?  Or do you worry that your husband might need something or your kid might puke at preschool?

 

  • Can you wait until you get ALL THE WAY home to check that text message, or do you grab your phone at the stoplight?  And of course, once you’ve read it, can you really keep that person waiting 20 minutes until you reply?

 

  • Can you leave your phone in the car while you take your kids to the park?  Or do you need something to entertain you while you sit on a bench or push them on the swings?  (Of course, if you just got a text, they will have to wait for that push.  You can’t push and text.  I’ve tried.)

 

  • How many times have you jumped up from reading a book to your kids because your phone summoned you with it’s little chime?

 

A week ago, my answers to these questions were embarrassing.  My eyes have been opened to my need for constant communication, my desire for interaction and entertainment, and the pressure I feel to be accessible to everyone at every moment.  And my kids are paying the price.

 

If you are my age or older, you remember a time when we all had those devices with the spiral cords hanging on our walls at home.  They didn’t have answering machines or call waiting or caller ID.  If you wanted to talk to someone, and they were at the grocery store or outside getting their mail or already talking to someone else, you had to call back later.

 

My mom never worried that the world might fall apart while she was at the grocery store.  She never had to make a decision about who was more important:  the person she was already talking to, or the person calling in on call-waiting.  When she took me to the park, she wasn’t checking Facebook or playing Words With Friends.  She didn’t have a contact list of hundreds of interesting people she could chat with while she drove me around town.

 

I’m planning a throw-back to 1982, y’all.  My kids deserve my full attention, and I don’t want to miss out on these years that they actually want to talk or play with me.  I refuse to let this little screen rule my life.

 

Stay tuned for my iPhone detox plan . . .

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