Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

Wisdom from those who are wiser than me

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I’ve heard a couple of great thoughts on parenting lately that have gotten the wheels turning in my brain. A few weeks ago, a friend of mine shared something that our pastor’s wife said to her. I’m paraphrasing here . . . She said that God, in His sovereignty, has given that child to you. Which means that God wanted that child to be raised by someone with your personality, your strengths, your preferences, your parenting style. What a great concept!

Of course, it is not license to sin against my children and say, “It’s just too bad that God gave my child a mom with a temper!” But within the boundaries given in Scripture for how we are to raise our children, there is freedom. Freedom to be rigid with routines, freedom to be spontaneous. Freedom to be a mom who always wants to be on the go, freedom to love to do things at home. Freedom to send your kids to public school, private school or home-school. And, I believe, freedom to pursue interests outside the home when God calls you to do so.

It is a great reminder to me that I don’t need to try to be someone different than I am. I am not a laid-back mom. I never will be. (Although I like to appear as though I’m a laid-back mom, on the inside, I am wincing as your snotty-nosed child touches my healthy child’s toys.) I like routine and can’t stand chaos. And sometimes I worry about these characteristics, like when my children are cautious and don’t like to get messy, and I think it is because I’m too uptight.

But I think my pastor’s wife is right–after all, she is the wise mother of 5!–God gave Christopher and Will to me. God thinks that what is best for my kids is having a mom who is type-A and likes to have a plan. Now if only I could eliminate the sin that keeps interfering with what God wants most for my kids! But He is sovereign even over my mistakes and can protect my kids from harm, even that which comes from my sin. (That last sentence is a truth often spoken to me by my friend Amy in Indy. I take no credit for anything wise about parenting!)

I heard another great idea this week, which was said by the friend of a friend. She talked about the importance of knowing your child’s personality traits, which right now may be causing problems, and praying for ways you can show your child how to use those characteristics for good. It is so easy to focus on those things about my kids that drive me nuts! And often I feel like I’m just dealing with the issues that are most urgent–lying, violence against your brother, obedience–and not taking the time to look at the big picture. In fact, when I heard this, I was convicted of the fact that I need to spend a lot more time thinking about and praying for my kids.

So the other day, over a skinny caramel latte (those make you lose weight, right?), I sat down to think about Christopher’s personality traits and what I hope they will look like when he is grown. Here’s what I came up with:

-cautious: can lead to fear, but I hope someday he will show great discernment and sound judgment

-highly emotional: can lead to frustrating meltdowns right now, but I hope someday he will show sensitivity to the needs of others

-stubborn: he gets mad because he wants to be in control, but I hope this will develop into the ability to have good self-control

-intelligent: can enable him argue with authority figures now, but I hope he will use his intelligence to study God’s Word and share His truth effectively with others

-creative: shows up in some of the lies he tells now, but I hope someday he will use his creativity to find innovative ways of serving others, playing with his kids and romancing his wife

I thought this was a great exercise for me, and one I should repeat regularly for both kids. It gives me a framework for praying for them and how God can be glorified by their unique personalities. It also gives me a little better perspective when he throws a fit, tells a lie, or refuses to get dirt on his hands.  And I hope to use this perspective to do a better job of letting my kids be who God made them to be, rather than trying to fit them into a mold I have in mind–to help my children develop their God-given characteristics in ways that will glorify Him rather than fitting an ideal that glorifies themselves or their parents.

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More on "Calm My Anxious Heart"

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I’ve been reading more of Linda Dillow’s Calm My Anxious Heart and really liked her chapters on being content with my role and with my relationships. It is so easy to always be looking ahead to a point in time when I think my life will be easier or better–when all my kids are dressing themselves and taking care of their own potty-related needs, when Noel cuts back on his hours, when I start to really love working out and hate eating sweets (yeah, right!). Before I was married, I wanted to be married. When I didn’t have kids, I wanted a baby. And now that I have preschoolers, I want them to go to school (and on my more insane days, I want another baby). I have a tendency to think that surely having a 2-year-old and 4-year-old is about as tough as it gets, and when they get a little older, then I will be able to pull myself together and be the kind of wife, mom, friend and Christian I want to be.

I started to realize the truth of my need to be content with what my role is right now when I had a single girlfriend over for lunch a few weeks ago. I was feeling jealous of her life–her nice clothes and car (the kind that doesn’t seat 8), her important job that brings her into contact with actual adults every single day, all the freedom that she has to do what she wants when she wants. It was the week before Will’s birthday party, and on my kitchen counter was a to-do list full of things, most of which I was dreading. Mop floors, clean bathrooms, dust living room, make treat bags, bake and decorate cake, etc. My friend looked at my to-do list and exclaimed, “I wish I had this to-do list!” I was shocked, but I shouldn’t be. It is so easy to take what we have for granted, to get weighed down by the mundane tasks — to lose sight of what a privilege it is to clean up after these little treasures God has given me and plan their birthday parties and teach them about Jesus.

In a discussion of maturity, Dillow writes: “We grow up when we see our life and our role from God’s perspective . . . when each morning we ask, ‘God, how can I glorify you today in my given role?'” She writes about Christ as an example. His role was to humble Himself, serve others, and give His life as a ransom for many. (See Mark 10:45 and Philippians 2:5-8) My role is to glorify God by serving my husband, my children, and others around me. My role is to mop floors, fix peanut butter sandwiches, change diapers and read books. My role is to train, discipline and teach my sons to love God and each other. My role is to pray for my children and about the decisions we make that impact their lives. I want to be a real grown-up and glorify God in the role He has given me today rather than waiting for Him to give me a more glamorous job.

In Dillow’s chapter on contentment in relationships, she focuses quite a bit on forgiveness. This is a fairly new topic for me, one that I’ve been thinking about more in the last year and realizing that it is something that I struggle with. (See previous post on forgiveness.) This is also a topic that came up in last week’s BSF lesson. I know God is trying to get my attention when He’s teaching me the same thing through two different avenues!

My BSF lesson and part of Dillow’s chapter on relationships examined Matthew 18:21-35, the parable of the unforgiving servant. In this parable, the king forgives his servant’s massive debt (roughly $15 million in today’s terms) and then the servant goes out and refuses to forgive another’s minuscule debt against him. Likewise, in Christ, we have been forgiven for a debt that we could never pay: the penalty for our sin. If we fail to see our need for the Cross, we will view other’s sin against us as great and difficult to forgive. If we have a proper view of our sin and how much we have been forgiven, it will be a natural reaction to forgive the much smaller offenses that others commit against us.

Studying this passage made me realize that if I’m keeping a mental list of the ways my husband has let me down or harboring resentment toward someone who has offended me, it should be a red flag for me that I need to turn my attention back to the seriousness of my own sin against God and grace I have been shown by His forgiveness. When those thoughts of “I’ve been wronged” start to trickle in, I need to consciously turn my thoughts to the Cross. This could really transform some of my relationships where I continue to hold on to past hurts and disappointments.

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Resolutions

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I can’t believe it has been over a month since my last post.  December was a crazy whirlwind!  Looking back on the Christmas season, I realized that I need to start doing things differently.  I tried to do too much, attempting to craft the perfect Christmas in the eyes of everyone around me.  By the time the day arrived, I was almost too exhausted to enjoy it, and honestly, getting a little sick of Christmas!  So before I made my new year’s resolutions, I made some resolutions for Christmas 2008:  splurge on gift bags rather than using wrapping paper (to make wrapping quicker), bake homemade bread rather than 4 different types of cookies and candy (I did way too much baking, and it took way too long), and delegate more responsibility to Noel (surely he can handle putting some gifts in gift bags with tissue on top!).  Then I plan to use the extra time to spend more time preparing my heart to celebrate Christ’s birth, and hopefully get around to lighting more than two of the five candles on our Advent wreath.

Once I was done reflecting on December, I’ve been thinking through some new year’s resolutions.  I’ve been opposed to resolutions in the past, feeling that it was dumb to set a bunch of goals about exercise and other disciplines that I would surely forget by Valentine’s Day (or perhaps even Martin Luther King, Jr. Day).  But this year, I feel like there are several areas in which I’d like to improve.  I hope that by writing them down in my BSF notebook and looking at them regularly, I’ll keep them fresh in my mind, and by God’s grace, make some progress.

I thought about three areas:  personal goals, marriage goals, and parenting goals.  Then I thought about things that I’d like to stop doing, continue doing, and start doing.  (A concept introduced by my friend Ashley this summer in our parenting discussion group–thanks, Ashley!)  For example, some of my parenting goals are to stop losing my temper, continue having story time daily, and start doing more focused activities such as drawing, play-doh, and puzzles (activities that require Mommy sitting down with them rather than serving as referee while doing housework or email).

One primary goal I have is to change the fact that I spend a lot of time with my kids, in the sense that we are in the same house, but not enough time with my kids, in the sense that my attention is focused solely on them.  It has helped to start sitting down each day with a stack of books to read together, because I get less bored reading books than I do playing with the Little People fire truck.  But I’d like to get better at playing with the fire truck.

Another goal that is central to all the others is an improved prayer life.  I often rely on a quick morning prayer (“Lord, please help me get through this day”) or manage to pray for others outside our home but neglect the three people I should be praying for the most–Noel and the boys.  I’m confident that if I were more disciplined about praying for them, it would transform my marriage and my parenting.  On days that I pray for Noel, I notice that I’m much more interested in hearing about his day and aware of how exhausted he must be when he walks in the door rather than focusing on my own frustrations.  But these days are the exception rather than the rule, and I’d like to change that.

If you know me personally (I can’t imagine you’d get to the bottom of this post if you don’t), please feel free to ask me how I’m doing on these and my other resolutions.  I hope by putting them on my blog, I’ll be reminded of their importance and continue striving to glorify God as a wife and a mother in these ways–hopefully even until Memorial Day!

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Dealing with life’s craziness

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I recently started attending Bible Study Fellowship, and our teaching leader is so wonderful that I’m sure I’ll be sharing many tidbits from her lectures. Last week, she said that all of us have craziness in our lives–I’m sure at this very moment, at least ten things have come to mind that you are dealing with in your own life. That’s what I started thinking about when she said it, going down the familiar path of self-pity, discouragement and mental exhaustion from worry. But the next thing she said grabbed my attention: “We can choose to deal with life’s craziness biblically or non-biblically.” Such a simple idea, and so obvious, and yet it has completely changed the way that I look at things. There are only two options, two black-and-white categories in which I can place the way I react to my kids, my husband, difficult circumstances and mundane responsibilities. One question to ask: Am I responding biblically or non-biblically?

So I sat down and thought about the three primary areas of my life that cause my emotional and spiritual struggles and then outlined my non-biblical responses and what some biblical responses would be. The first task was easy–I struggle with impatience with my kids, frustration with my husband, and feeling a lack of significance as a stay-at-home mom.

Kids: I tend to respond non-biblically by avoidance (“Just go play in your rooms for awhile, please!”) or in anger. Biblical responses would include responding in love (I Corinthians 13), displaying the fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23), being thankful for the time I have with them, and covering all of my parenting with a heavy dose of prayer (I Thessalonians 5:16-18).

Husband: I usually respond non-biblically because I am focused on myself and my needs. I am only seeing things from my perspective (I am tired and had a long day, and he better swoop in with a smile and unending energy and rescue me), and I end up being demanding and angry as a result. Instead, I should remember that I am called to love him sacrificially, just as God has loved me (Ephesians 5:1-2). I need to remember the stress he’s under and do what I can to support and encourage him (I Thessalonians 5:11). I need to view marriage as a tool for God to teach me and for God’s glory, not as a way to get my needs met. (More on that later from a great book I’m reading, Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas.)

Burnout: I struggle as a stay-at-home mom because I am focused on my need to feel good about myself, and I am desperate for a way to earn the praise of others. (Doing laundry and raising kids isn’t working out too well in that regard.) I want my life to be easy, fun and comfortable, or at least be significant in the eyes of the world. A biblical response would be to understand that I’m working for God’s glory and His eternal purposes by investing my time in my husband and children (Colossians 3:23-24). I must remember that God is faithful to sustain me through the work He has called me to do (2 Corinthians 12:9). I must resist laziness and ask God to show me how He wants me to spend free time–it probably isn’t those continuous Law and Order reruns I’m so addicted to on cable (Proverbs 31–especially verses 15 and 27).

I wonder what it would look like to put all my thoughts and actions through a biblical/non-biblical filter. My response to my kid’s tantrum–biblical or non-biblical? My judgment of someone I encounter during the day that annoys me–biblical or non-biblical? My shopping habits–biblical or non-biblical? (Ouch.) My response when my husband wants his back scratched at 10:00 pm–biblical or non-biblical? If I could permanently attach this filter to my brain, my husband would probably have more money and more frequent back-scratching. 🙂

One side-note: Thank you to Rachel for the comment on the post below. I really appreciated the use of the word “temptation” to describe your struggle with discouragement. I so often forget that when I am feeling discouraged because I am believing lies rather than the truth, it is sin. I’m not supposed to tolerate it or continue in it, but rather identify it as sin, confess it, and turn from the temptation to give in to those sinful emotions.

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