Marissa Henley

Encouraging weary women to hope in Christ alone

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The Words No One Said to My Son that Night (and Why I’m Grateful)

October 19, 2017 by Marissa 3 Comments

The grateful musings of a cancer survivor and mom. Biblical encouragement, Scripture, and devotionals for women.

The lights dimmed as I gripped my program and shifted in my seat with anticipation. After driving my son to what felt like 101 rehearsals, I was ready to watch him perform in his school’s junior high musical.

The spotlights followed the young teenagers around the stage, songs filled the air, and my son made the audience roar with laughter. I felt the familiar joy all moms feel as we watch our children do well. I felt relief that he didn’t forget his lines or trip over his own rapidly-growing feet.

I also felt a weight of gratitude that I suspect didn’t cross the other moms’ minds that evening. I was thankful that my son had a great time performing, for friends and relatives who joined us in the audience, and for a school that gives my child these opportunities. But there was one thing I was grateful for above all of these.

I was grateful that no one would say to my son that night, “Your mom sure would’ve loved this. She’d be so proud of you.”

Seven years ago, as I read the dismal survival rates for angiosarcoma, as I traveled to MD Anderson Cancer Center to receive months of treatment and participate in a clinical trial, as I walked through the early months and years of survivorship . . . I thought ahead to these moments. I saw my children, a few inches taller and a few years more mature, playing in piano competitions, dancing in ballet recitals, competing in spelling bees, and walking to the stage during school awards assemblies.

No matter how much I squinted and searched, I couldn’t see whether or not I was sitting in the crowd. I feared those normally-happy occasions would be marred by my absence. I imagined the sad half-smiles and the words others would say to console my children: “Your mom would be so proud.”

And by God’s grace, here I am. Not a week goes by that I don’t marvel at my presence here in 2017. I know other children are missing their moms, and it breaks my heart. I don’t take my present or future health for granted.

But as the house lights came up and I made my way to the lobby after the show, it was a joy to hug my son and say, “Wow, I really loved that! I sure am proud of you.”

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When You’re Weary and Waiting

June 10, 2016 by Marissa 2 Comments

weary and waitingA few weeks ago, I learned something about myself as I stood in the checkout line at Kohl’s.

 

My daughter and I got in line behind a man who was already checking out, so I figured it would be quick. But then the cashier started pressuring him to open a Kohl’s charge account, promising a significant discount on his pile of dress shirts.

 

I tried to keep a pleasant expression on my face as the customer told her he already had a Kohl’s card and she began several failed attempts to locate his account. She continued to pitch the new account, and he repeatedly said “no thanks.” My mood soured. I tried not to glare at both of them.

 

As he decided to fill out the credit card application, I no longer bothered to hide my annoyance. I sighed and rolled my eyes and commiserated with my daughter about how long it was taking. And let’s not even talk about my reaction when his application was denied. (Imagine several wailing-face emojis here.)

 

When it was finally my turn to check out, I was struck with conviction. The swell of impatience, frustration and even anger in my heart in those few minutes made it clear: I stink at waiting.

 

At Kohl’s, I knew I would eventually pay for my items and leave the store. But often when we wait on the Lord, we don’t know if or when we will ever receive what we’re waiting for. It’s hard to wait with no end in sight.

 

Right now I’m waiting for my house to sell. I decluttered and staged and now all I can do is wait. After a few weeks, the waiting led to irritability, and irritability led to grumpiness that spilled over into my relationships. Did I mention I stink at waiting?!

 

After a few days of snapping at every thoughtful friend who asked about the house-selling endeavor, I turned to God’s Word for help. This is what I found:

 

The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD. (Lamentations 3:25-26)

 

The Lord is good. The first truth we see in this verse is that we can trust the Lord to give us good things, in His good timing, according to His good plans. Waiting becomes easier when I understand that His plans are always good, even when they are different from my plans. He is God, and I am not.

 

The Lord is always good, and He is always good to me. I believe it, but often when I’m waiting, I forget to act like I believe it. My impatience results from lack of belief in God’s goodness and faithfulness to me. I must constantly remind myself that God is good in every situation.

 

What is my soul seeking? The second step to waiting well is to seek the Lord for who He is, not just the blessings He gives. What consumes my thoughts? What excites or upsets me? The answer to these questions reveals what my soul is seeking.

 

When my heart is consumed by the object I’m waiting for, I will be disappointed, unfulfilled and discontent. If my heart’s desire is for the Lord, I will be satisfied. It is a constant struggle to turn my heart from what I want and seek the Lord. A heart that seeks the Lord can wait quietly.

 

Thank Him for what He’s given. When I struggle with waiting, I’m usually focused on what I don’t have rather than what I’ve already been given. The Lord has given me all I truly need: salvation by grace through faith in His Son.

 

As I plead with Him for my desires and ask Him to end my waiting, I need to remember that what I’m asking for pales in comparison to the grace and mercy I’ve already received. Romans 8:32 reminds us that God, who did not spare His own Son but gave Him up for us all, will also graciously give us all things.

 

I don’t know if my house will sell. But I know God is the giver of good things. When my heart seeks the Lord, I can be content. And I can wait quietly, knowing that the One who gave His Son for me will give me all that I need.

 

What are you waiting for? How can these steps bring peace to your waiting time? Try turning Lamentations 3:25-26 into a prayer that you can pray to God as you wait on Him.

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When We Slam into the Wall of God’s “Wait”

March 31, 2016 by Marissa Leave a Comment

When We Slam into the Wall of God's

 

There’s something I want.

 

My desire is materialistic, and no small matter, but almost everyone I’ve told agrees it’s a great idea. (I have very convincing arguments.)

 

Only one obstacle stands in the way: my husband isn’t ready for me to have it.

 

And I hate being told “not right now.”

 

When my husband first started voicing concerns, I didn’t pay much attention. I only heard the messages I was speaking to myself: “You deserve to be happy. There’s no reason not to fix this for yourself.”

 

Determined to get what I wanted, I repeatedly slammed into the wall of my husband’s hesitation. Arguments began. I trampled over his opinions, armed with the certainty that I was right.

 

But rather than crumbling my husband’s resolve, the Lord started to crumble mine. You probably know the feeling—those little bursts of conviction working on your heart.

 

I decided to invite an older, wiser friend to lunch and ask her advice. When I explained the situation, I had a feeling she wouldn’t say, “Just ignore what your husband thinks. Get what you want.”

 

And I was right.

 

My friend gently pointed out my wrong thinking, selfish attitude, discontentment, and lack of gratitude for what God’s already given me. She reminded me that I can trust God to give me good things. I can wait on Him, because His ways are perfect.

 

Did I know these truths? Absolutely.

 

Was I acting like it? Not one bit.

 

As we spoke, God lovingly pried these desires from my hands and placed them into His. I’m still tempted to grab them back sometimes. I start to worry that He won’t ever give me something I think is good for me.

 

In Matthew 6, we read about God’s care for the grass of the field and the birds of the air. And Jesus calls us out in our unbelief: “O you of little faith . . . do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all” (Matthew 6:31-32, emphasis mine).

 

Here’s the bottom line: Can I trust that what the Lord gives me is always best? Can I believe that what He withholds was never mine to begin with? Can I have faith that my heavenly Father will give me everything I need?

 

What do you want that God isn’t giving? Are you struggling to trust His provision? Will you join me in learning to trust that God gives us all we need? Can we put our good desires into His hands and leave them there, waiting on His timing and His perfect ways?

 

Let’s celebrate both that God can be trusted and that His grace covers all our unbelief as we struggle to trust Him more fully.

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I Never Could Have Survived Cancer Without This One Thing

October 25, 2015 by Marissa 1 Comment

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Five years ago today, I first heard the words: “It’s cancer.” I was standing alone in my bedroom, but I wasn’t alone for long.

Within hours, a few family members and friends came over and joined me in my shock and grief. The next day – my 34th birthday – a larger group of friends gathered for a surprise birthday party full of prayers and tears. And over the coming months, a multitude of supporters came together with love, prayers and service that sustained us. The Lord used these people to demonstrate His daily care for us. I’m positive that I never could have survived cancer without this community.

In fact, I didn’t survive cancer. We survived cancer.

One of the most impactful stories of support during my illness occurred the week after my diagnosis. My husband tried to persuade me to seek a second opinion at MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, but the logistical challenges overwhelmed me. I told him, “Maybe if we had a private jet, we could make that work. But I just can’t imagine how I could go to a doctor in another state when I can barely make it to a hair appointment across town.”

Within two hours of that statement, a family friend offered the use of their private plane for our initial appointments at MD Anderson.

That moment is not only an example of the generosity of our community. It was also the moment that I realized God was going to meet each and every one of our needs, just as He had promised. He used an army of friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers to provide tangible, emotional, and spiritual support as we battled for my health and for my life.

Most of you don’t have a private plane that you could loan me. But you gave what you could – a meal, a prayer, a card in the mail, a ride for my kids – and God weaved your thread of support along with thousands of others into a beautiful tapestry that provided for all our needs. I know it’s cliche, but it’s so true: we couldn’t have done it without you.

At the risk of leaving someone out, I want to describe all that was done for us during those months. As I celebrate five years of surviving angiosarcoma, I can’t think of a better way to mark this day than to acknowledge all of you who loved us through my illness.

I hope you’re comfortable, because if this were the Oscars, they’d never get me off the stage. We were well-loved, as you’re about to see. And I hope it will inspire you to love someone who is hurting in a way you might not have thought of before.

Our family and friends provided endless support. My husband, parents and in-laws made constant sacrifices to care for me and the kids. Lynette kept my kids often, drove them to school and piano lessons, and took care of countless details I was only vaguely aware of. Becky drove my kids to school and spent hours on the phone with me when I was lonely in Houston. The two of them also did my grocery shopping. Rachel organized a “Scripture shower,” asking others to send me notecards with Scripture and other encouragement. Staci, Anna, Marilyn and other friends called and texted me often to encourage me.

Allyson coordinated several months of meals and decorated our home for Christmas. Jenny cleaned our house regularly. Callie faithfully showed up every Tuesday morning to take Will to preschool. Alison made gingerbread houses with my kids at Christmas. Ginny and Alyse were our go-to babysitters, and an anonymous friend paid Ginny whenever she was at our house. (I know who you are, Anonymous Friend!)

Then I started spending two out of every three weeks in Houston. Penny left a stable job with benefits to take a leap of faith as our nanny. She loved our children well during a painful time for our family. During my first stay in Houston, Sara picked me up at the airport and helped me find housing. On my second stay, I met Greg and Blair, and I’ll never forget the day Blair asked if I would stay with them from then on. We both cried a little as I agreed – I was already starting to think of her as my “Houston Mom.” She treated me like a daughter, housed me and my friends, fed me, listened to me, and even picked me up from the airport in the middle of the night when my flight was delayed.

Jennifer and Catherine – who were each a friend of a friend – took the time to befriend a cancer patient and made me feel like I had friends in Houston. Becca left infant twins at home and drove hours to spend time with me in Houston. Friends flew in when I needed assistance during chemo – Marilyn, Amanda, Jenny, Melissa, Andrea and Tara each spent a week away from their jobs and families to care for me at my worst.

Our church family and my parents’ church family rallied around us with enormous amounts of food. Friends brought us dinner three nights a week for about seven months. Some friends even asked for a copy of my kids’ favorite recipes and prepared a family favorite. A group of Noel’s colleagues had pizza delivered to our home every Tuesday – our kids loved that! Our Providence Academy family provided freezer meals immediately following my diagnosis.

We received donations of cash and airline miles. Friends sent me treasured, thoughtful gifts. Several people made hats, including a pink knitted cap I wore every night. Nicole and Sarah fixed Sarah Kate’s hair on Sunday mornings when my husband dropped her off at Sunday school with a brush and bow in hand. Carol ironed our clothes. Friends visited me at chemo and during blood transfusions. My memory is a little fuzzy, but I remember visits from my mom, sister, mother-in-law, Crystal, Lynette, Evelyn, Laureen, Jamie, Eva and Jan. The “Henley’s Homies” participated in the Race for the Cure in my honor. The Mothers of Providence spent time on their knees praying for me.

My medical team was superb. Dr. Pope and Dr. Emily Hinton made a quick diagnosis that probably saved my life. Dr. Ravi and his staff at MD Anderson gave us hope of a medical cure. Dr. Vadhan and her attentive research nurses cared for me during the clinical trial. Dr. Rosenfeld, his fabulous nurse, Aimee, and the nursing staffs at Highlands Oncology and the infusion center all cared for me back home in Fayetteville. Dr. Hunt successfully removed the tumor after a team of compassionate radiation techs zapped the life out of it. Years later, Dr. Atwood put me back together again with reconstructive surgery.

In the years following treatment, friends continued to provide support. The Cancer Posse is an amazing source of encouragement and friendship. Mary Grace showed up just when I needed her. Carrie gives wise, compassionate counsel as I process the impact of cancer survivorship.

I wish I could list the names of everyone who brought us food, wrote a guestbook message online, commented on Facebook, emailed, texted, called or sent a card. I’ll never even know all those who prayed for me and put my name on church prayer lists.

Each and every one of you are a significant and meaningful part of my story. Together we are five-year survivors!

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I write to remind myself of the truth of God's promises. I share my writing here in case you need to be reminded sometimes, too.

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